Mockfest 1 and 2
Jan. 23rd, 2005 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nobleplatypusHere is the Mockfest, in its entirety, for your amusement. ^_^ FFN fascists can't keep me down!
Chapter 1
"She's perfect!" Celestina Windbreaker, Goddess of Mary-Sues, whispered to herself in delight. She was currently disguised in the form of a sparrow, perched in a low shrub on a college campus. Being a Goddess, and the Goddess of Mary-Sues, no less, she was a bit prone to showing off. So she had made herself canary yellow, with a long, fuchsia tail that would have proved very bothersome if she had been inclined to fly anywhere. Her bright, beady eyes followed the sophomore girl as she strolled across the dying grass.
The girl suddenly broke out into a raucous chorus of "Row, row, row your boat" backwards, laughing with her companion. Celestina winced a tiny, sparrow wince. This bizarre behavior was a bit regrettable... then again, perhaps it could be a... what did you call it... oh yes, it could be one of the girl's charms!
"DREAM A BUT IS LIFE!" The girl bellowed with her friend. "MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY STREEEEAAAAAMMMM!!"
"A quirk," the Goddess whispered fiercely to herself. "An adorable behavioral quirk. That's what that is. No problem at all."
"THE DOWN GENTLY BOAT YOUR ROW ROW ROW!!!"
Celestina winced a big sparrow wince. This had gone far enough. Better to just get things over with before she could change her mind.
With a *POOF*, the illogically-plumaged sparrow that was Celestina Windbreaker disappeared.
With a similar *POOF*, so did the girl and her companion.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"What the fork?" Randi picked herself up off of the air she was lying on. "That was trippy."
"Where are we?" Her roommate asked, looking around with a mixture of curiosity and annoyance.
"You are between two worlds," A regal voice said smoothly. The two girls found their attention being drawn to the illogically-plumaged sparrow perched on a throne much, much too big for it. "I am Celestina Windbreaker, Godd-"
Randi's roommate snorted, clapping a hand over her mouth.
"What?" Celestina snapped impatiently.
"Windbreaker?!" The girl burst out into waves of hysterical laughter. "Whoa, whoa whoa, let me get this straight... your name is WINDBREAKER?!" The girl fell over, rolling helplessly on the air. Randi started to giggle as well.
"Celestina," the goddess said irritably. "And I am the Goddess of Mary-Sues!"
"Oooh!" The girl snapped sarcastically. "I bow before thee, Cele- whatever WINDBREAKER!" More laughing. "You're a forking BIRD, for crying out loud!"
"Wha--?" Celestina looked down at herself and swore softly. A moment later she *POOF*ed out of her bird shape and into the form of a tall, imposing woman with canary skin and fuchsia hair. This was greeted with further gales of laughter from the girl who was no longer even attempting to pick herself up. There was another *POOF*, and Celestina's skin-tones became relatively normal, if a bit too perfect-looking to be possible. Celestina swept her hair back dramatically, muttering under her breath about "crap-ass auto-shift spells" for a few moments. Then she pointed a slender finger at Randi.
"You," she said in a solemn voice.
"Uh... you!" Randi pointed back.
"You," Celestina insisted gravely, and was silent.
There was a long, uncomfortable pause, broken only by the faint sound of the author's giggles.
"What about me?" Randi asked curiously.
"You are a Mary-Sue," Celestina replied. "My Mary-Sue." Randi's eyebrows shot up.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you fit the description," the Goddess said, traces of irritability creeping back into her voice. She pulled a checklist out of one of the numerous folds in her dress and looked it over. "You're in your late teens, quite pretty, your hair is frankly astonishing..."
"They're called highlights," Randi explained dryly. "Lots of girls have them. My hair is naturally a very mundane shade of brown."
"And your eyes," Celestina continued doggedly, "are the most amazing shade of blue..."
"That would be thanks to the colored contacts." Randi folded her arms. "Sheesh, no one's eyes are *really* like this!"
"You're wasting your time," Randi's roommate spoke up suddenly, sitting up.
"What?" Celestina shot the girl a very unfriendly look.
"Well, Randi's had a pretty decent life. Her parents never beat her, and," the girl grinned with something like wicked triumph in her eyes, "she has a boyfriend that she loves very much."
"BLASPHEMY!" Celestina pointed her finger at Randi's roommate, who disappeared in a *POOF* of smoke.
"Hey!" Randi cried out in a panic. "What did you do to her?!"
"I sent her back to your world, that's what I did! Irritating little brat..."
"Bitch!" Randi snapped, and Celestina's eyes grew wide as saucers.
"How dare you!" The Goddess hissed. "I was going to go easy on you, I was going to give you a choice, but damn it, not now! I'll send you to most clichéd Mary-Sue realm there is!" She threw back her head and cackled. "Prepare to become Mrs. Mirkwood!"
Randi disappeared in a *POOF* of smoke, and all fell silent. Except for the author's giggles.
Chapter 2
Randi sat up and winced, rubbing her head. She must have hit it when that Windbreaker jerk had *POOF*ed her to... well, wherever she was. Randi squinted at the giant trees that surrounded her. Not that she couldn't guess. Hadn't Celestina said something about Mirkwood?
"Peachy-forking-keen," Randi snapped to herself as she stood up.
"Randi! Hey!"
Randi looked around in disbelief. "Carrie?!"
"Yep!" Carrie strolled up to her roommate, grinning from ear to ear.
"But Celestina said that she sent you back to our world!" Randi cried, not at all upset to see her roommate, but understandably confused.
"Well, I guess she's just inept, then," Carrie shrugged. "Does that really surprise you?"
"No!" Randi said, laughing with relief. She was so glad that she wasn't stuck here alone! "So, she said that I was a Mary-Sue... what does that mean?"
"It means," Carrie rolled her eyes, "that-" Carrie whirled around. Celestina Windbreaker was standing behind her, looking livid.
"What do you think you are doing here?" She hissed at Carrie, who shrugged and grinned cheekily.
"Why don't you tell me? You're the one who sent me here, stupid!"
"OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Randi watched her roomy disappear once more.
The author cackled to herself.
"What the hell is your deal?!" Randi demanded to know, feeling angrier with each passing second. Angry and frightened. She loved her life on earth! She did not want to be here!
Celestina raised an eyebrow, "Any more cheek from you, and I'll send you to Pirates of the Caribbean next! And then Harry Potter! You could be Harry's long-lost cousin, and you could get with Oliver Wood!" The Goddess sneered with cruel laughter.
Randi bitch-slapped the Goddess in the face.
"Get me the fork out of here RIGHT NOW!" Randi ordered, fists clenched.
"Damn your cheek!" Celestina Windbreaker held a hand to her own stinging one. "Now you've really pissed me off! I thought this could be a post-war fic, but fork that theory! Fork it right in the ear! I'll be damned if I let you get away with not living through the war of the ring! You're half-elven now!" Celestina pointed a finger at Randi, who suddenly grew a foot and a half, sprouted pointed ears, and had her senses heightened in the space of a few moments, along with having her entire wardrobe replaced. "I'm going to stick you in Rivendell, and you shall be Elrond's long-lost third-cousin's niece, and you shall accompany the Fellowship on their journey," the last part was added in a low, threatening whisper, "and you shall like it!" She paused, then added, almost as an afterthought, "You are originally from your own world, but were transported here by a magic necklace you found in the woods by your house! Your mother died when you were two and your father beat and ass-raped you every day of your adult life, which started at NINE, because that is when your older brother who always used to defend you ran away and was struck by lightening and hit by a car and buried in an avalanche all at once and YOU were forced to bear the brunt of your father's wrath and clean and cook for your younger quintuplet siblings, two of which were deaf and mute for no real reason!!" The Goddess paused, breathing heavily. Randi opened her mouth to object, or maybe her mouth just dropped open in shock and disbelief, but the Goddess held up her hand.
"One peep out of you and I make it worse!"
"Who the hell do you think -" Randi began.
Celestina clapped her hands over her ears and started to shout, "You get straight A's, and are the best art student in the school, but you are ostracized by your classmates who laugh at you in the halls and routinely play tricks on you that Stephen King would be ashamed to write! No matter how hard you try, it's never good enough for your alcoholic father and his poker buddies who have recently formed a satanic cult and sacrificed your dog Tippy, your one and only friend!!!"
"You're sick!!" Randi exclaimed in a mixture of disgust and awe, mostly disgust. But Celestina Windbreaker was not done yet.
"All of these things have turned you into an aloof but somehow alluring girl who is too afraid of being hurt once more to let herself get attached to anyone!" Celestina raised her fists to the sky and shrieked, "WILL LEGOLAS BE ABLE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO OPEN YOUR HEART AND LOVE AGAIN???!!!"
There was a pause. The Goddess's chest was heaving. Randi, much to her own surprise, giggled.
"That has to be the biggest load of improbable bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life!" Randi giggled some more.
"Oh, you think so, do you?!" Celestina sneered. "Well, we shall see! Oh, yes, we shall see!"
Before Randi could reply, she disappeared in a *POOF* of fuchsia smoke.
The author cackled maniacally.
Chapter 1
"She's perfect!" Celestina Windbreaker, Goddess of Mary-Sues, whispered to herself in delight. She was currently disguised in the form of a sparrow, perched in a low shrub on a college campus. Being a Goddess, and the Goddess of Mary-Sues, no less, she was a bit prone to showing off. So she had made herself canary yellow, with a long, fuchsia tail that would have proved very bothersome if she had been inclined to fly anywhere. Her bright, beady eyes followed the sophomore girl as she strolled across the dying grass.
The girl suddenly broke out into a raucous chorus of "Row, row, row your boat" backwards, laughing with her companion. Celestina winced a tiny, sparrow wince. This bizarre behavior was a bit regrettable... then again, perhaps it could be a... what did you call it... oh yes, it could be one of the girl's charms!
"DREAM A BUT IS LIFE!" The girl bellowed with her friend. "MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY STREEEEAAAAAMMMM!!"
"A quirk," the Goddess whispered fiercely to herself. "An adorable behavioral quirk. That's what that is. No problem at all."
"THE DOWN GENTLY BOAT YOUR ROW ROW ROW!!!"
Celestina winced a big sparrow wince. This had gone far enough. Better to just get things over with before she could change her mind.
With a *POOF*, the illogically-plumaged sparrow that was Celestina Windbreaker disappeared.
With a similar *POOF*, so did the girl and her companion.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"What the fork?" Randi picked herself up off of the air she was lying on. "That was trippy."
"Where are we?" Her roommate asked, looking around with a mixture of curiosity and annoyance.
"You are between two worlds," A regal voice said smoothly. The two girls found their attention being drawn to the illogically-plumaged sparrow perched on a throne much, much too big for it. "I am Celestina Windbreaker, Godd-"
Randi's roommate snorted, clapping a hand over her mouth.
"What?" Celestina snapped impatiently.
"Windbreaker?!" The girl burst out into waves of hysterical laughter. "Whoa, whoa whoa, let me get this straight... your name is WINDBREAKER?!" The girl fell over, rolling helplessly on the air. Randi started to giggle as well.
"Celestina," the goddess said irritably. "And I am the Goddess of Mary-Sues!"
"Oooh!" The girl snapped sarcastically. "I bow before thee, Cele- whatever WINDBREAKER!" More laughing. "You're a forking BIRD, for crying out loud!"
"Wha--?" Celestina looked down at herself and swore softly. A moment later she *POOF*ed out of her bird shape and into the form of a tall, imposing woman with canary skin and fuchsia hair. This was greeted with further gales of laughter from the girl who was no longer even attempting to pick herself up. There was another *POOF*, and Celestina's skin-tones became relatively normal, if a bit too perfect-looking to be possible. Celestina swept her hair back dramatically, muttering under her breath about "crap-ass auto-shift spells" for a few moments. Then she pointed a slender finger at Randi.
"You," she said in a solemn voice.
"Uh... you!" Randi pointed back.
"You," Celestina insisted gravely, and was silent.
There was a long, uncomfortable pause, broken only by the faint sound of the author's giggles.
"What about me?" Randi asked curiously.
"You are a Mary-Sue," Celestina replied. "My Mary-Sue." Randi's eyebrows shot up.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you fit the description," the Goddess said, traces of irritability creeping back into her voice. She pulled a checklist out of one of the numerous folds in her dress and looked it over. "You're in your late teens, quite pretty, your hair is frankly astonishing..."
"They're called highlights," Randi explained dryly. "Lots of girls have them. My hair is naturally a very mundane shade of brown."
"And your eyes," Celestina continued doggedly, "are the most amazing shade of blue..."
"That would be thanks to the colored contacts." Randi folded her arms. "Sheesh, no one's eyes are *really* like this!"
"You're wasting your time," Randi's roommate spoke up suddenly, sitting up.
"What?" Celestina shot the girl a very unfriendly look.
"Well, Randi's had a pretty decent life. Her parents never beat her, and," the girl grinned with something like wicked triumph in her eyes, "she has a boyfriend that she loves very much."
"BLASPHEMY!" Celestina pointed her finger at Randi's roommate, who disappeared in a *POOF* of smoke.
"Hey!" Randi cried out in a panic. "What did you do to her?!"
"I sent her back to your world, that's what I did! Irritating little brat..."
"Bitch!" Randi snapped, and Celestina's eyes grew wide as saucers.
"How dare you!" The Goddess hissed. "I was going to go easy on you, I was going to give you a choice, but damn it, not now! I'll send you to most clichéd Mary-Sue realm there is!" She threw back her head and cackled. "Prepare to become Mrs. Mirkwood!"
Randi disappeared in a *POOF* of smoke, and all fell silent. Except for the author's giggles.
Chapter 2
Randi sat up and winced, rubbing her head. She must have hit it when that Windbreaker jerk had *POOF*ed her to... well, wherever she was. Randi squinted at the giant trees that surrounded her. Not that she couldn't guess. Hadn't Celestina said something about Mirkwood?
"Peachy-forking-keen," Randi snapped to herself as she stood up.
"Randi! Hey!"
Randi looked around in disbelief. "Carrie?!"
"Yep!" Carrie strolled up to her roommate, grinning from ear to ear.
"But Celestina said that she sent you back to our world!" Randi cried, not at all upset to see her roommate, but understandably confused.
"Well, I guess she's just inept, then," Carrie shrugged. "Does that really surprise you?"
"No!" Randi said, laughing with relief. She was so glad that she wasn't stuck here alone! "So, she said that I was a Mary-Sue... what does that mean?"
"It means," Carrie rolled her eyes, "that-" Carrie whirled around. Celestina Windbreaker was standing behind her, looking livid.
"What do you think you are doing here?" She hissed at Carrie, who shrugged and grinned cheekily.
"Why don't you tell me? You're the one who sent me here, stupid!"
"OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Randi watched her roomy disappear once more.
The author cackled to herself.
"What the hell is your deal?!" Randi demanded to know, feeling angrier with each passing second. Angry and frightened. She loved her life on earth! She did not want to be here!
Celestina raised an eyebrow, "Any more cheek from you, and I'll send you to Pirates of the Caribbean next! And then Harry Potter! You could be Harry's long-lost cousin, and you could get with Oliver Wood!" The Goddess sneered with cruel laughter.
Randi bitch-slapped the Goddess in the face.
"Get me the fork out of here RIGHT NOW!" Randi ordered, fists clenched.
"Damn your cheek!" Celestina Windbreaker held a hand to her own stinging one. "Now you've really pissed me off! I thought this could be a post-war fic, but fork that theory! Fork it right in the ear! I'll be damned if I let you get away with not living through the war of the ring! You're half-elven now!" Celestina pointed a finger at Randi, who suddenly grew a foot and a half, sprouted pointed ears, and had her senses heightened in the space of a few moments, along with having her entire wardrobe replaced. "I'm going to stick you in Rivendell, and you shall be Elrond's long-lost third-cousin's niece, and you shall accompany the Fellowship on their journey," the last part was added in a low, threatening whisper, "and you shall like it!" She paused, then added, almost as an afterthought, "You are originally from your own world, but were transported here by a magic necklace you found in the woods by your house! Your mother died when you were two and your father beat and ass-raped you every day of your adult life, which started at NINE, because that is when your older brother who always used to defend you ran away and was struck by lightening and hit by a car and buried in an avalanche all at once and YOU were forced to bear the brunt of your father's wrath and clean and cook for your younger quintuplet siblings, two of which were deaf and mute for no real reason!!" The Goddess paused, breathing heavily. Randi opened her mouth to object, or maybe her mouth just dropped open in shock and disbelief, but the Goddess held up her hand.
"One peep out of you and I make it worse!"
"Who the hell do you think -" Randi began.
Celestina clapped her hands over her ears and started to shout, "You get straight A's, and are the best art student in the school, but you are ostracized by your classmates who laugh at you in the halls and routinely play tricks on you that Stephen King would be ashamed to write! No matter how hard you try, it's never good enough for your alcoholic father and his poker buddies who have recently formed a satanic cult and sacrificed your dog Tippy, your one and only friend!!!"
"You're sick!!" Randi exclaimed in a mixture of disgust and awe, mostly disgust. But Celestina Windbreaker was not done yet.
"All of these things have turned you into an aloof but somehow alluring girl who is too afraid of being hurt once more to let herself get attached to anyone!" Celestina raised her fists to the sky and shrieked, "WILL LEGOLAS BE ABLE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO OPEN YOUR HEART AND LOVE AGAIN???!!!"
There was a pause. The Goddess's chest was heaving. Randi, much to her own surprise, giggled.
"That has to be the biggest load of improbable bullshit I have ever heard in my entire life!" Randi giggled some more.
"Oh, you think so, do you?!" Celestina sneered. "Well, we shall see! Oh, yes, we shall see!"
Before Randi could reply, she disappeared in a *POOF* of fuchsia smoke.
The author cackled maniacally.
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