Mockfest 10 and 11

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 10

Legolas frowned slightly as he walked through the mallorn trees in Lothlórien. Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen (could that really be her name?) was certainly acting odd. She had been speaking in tongues ever since they had left the mines. Immediately after they had escaped, he had attributed the change to the poisoned arrow. He thought she had simply been delirious. Now he was not so sure.

To be perfectly honest, however, Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen's behavior did not upset him as much as the state of his own mind. If he hadn't known better, he would have said that something was wrong with his memory.

The entire journey up to this point was only a vague blur in his mind. He remembered Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen saving his life in the mines, but he couldn't for the life of him remember why. An orc had shot at him; that much was clear. But how was it that he was unable to save himself? He should have been able to shoot down the orc from where he was; it would have been the work of a moment. Even if he hadn't shot the orc down, dodging the arrow would have been no hard task. But he hadn't done either; he had just been standing there. It made absolutely no sense. He must not be remembering correctly... but how was that possible?

Legolas's confusion and grief over the loss of Gandalf pressed down on him as he gazed at the beauty that surrounded him. He would find no rest here.

~*~

Aragorn and Boromir were quietly discussing the state of the half-elf currently sleeping in a flet a short distance from their camp.

"Aragorn," Boromir said tentatively, "do you recall why Elrond wished Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen to accompany us?"

Aragorn puffed on his pipe for a moment, then lowered it and sighed. "No." He paused, almost as if he was ashamed. "I do not seem to recall much of anything. Our travels are all a blur." His brow furrowed in confusion.

Boromir nodded in understanding. "I feel it, too. It is as if I have only just awoken from a dream."

It was Aragorn's turn to nod, and the two men fell into a thoughtful silence, each privately thinking that they would find no rest here.

~*~

Gimli was suspicious of elves in general, but recent turns of events had deepened his suspicion of one half-elf in particular. Litheriena- Litharieyen-oh, whatever her name was had been acting oddly for as long as he could remember... which was not very long. His memory was in the same state as the others and he, like the others, was puzzled. He did not like being puzzled. Being puzzled made him frustrated, and being frustrated made him angry. The dwarf gripped his axe handle tightly, wishing there were a few orcs nearby that he could slaughter to vent his anger. Unfortunately, the borders of Lothlórien were well-protected. He did not want to know what the elves would do to him if he started whacking at trees, so he loosened his grip on the axe with a wistful little sigh.

His thoughts wandered back to Lith-the half-elf. Perhaps she was a servant of the Dark Lord. That language she had been speaking certainly sounded ominous. He would have to keep a close eye on her. Gimli scowled; he would find no rest here.

~*~

The four hobbits huddled miserably together, lamenting the loss of Gandalf. Frodo seemed the worst off. Sam and Merry sat on either side of the ringbearer, silently comforting him with their presence while Pippin rummaged half-heartedly through his rucksack, looking for food. After a minute, the young hobbit realized that he wasn't even hungry and abandoned his search. He sat down by the others and sighed at their long faces. The silence was starting to get to him.

"What do you suppose is wrong with Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen?" Peregrin asked, breaking the silence.

Sam just shrugged. Frodo blinked his eyes back into focus, then shook his head. "I don't know."

"She just started speaking that... that language..." Merry said slowly.

"And it was as if she couldn't even understand us!" Pippin nodded, glad to have brought up a subject that was not wholly depressing.

"What do you suppose the Lady gave her?" Sam asked, recalling the drink that had made the half-elf fall asleep so quickly.

"Probably just something to make her sleep," Frodo said after a short pause.

"I was thinking that it might be something that would make her able to understand us again," Pippin suggested.

"How could she suddenly not be able to understand us?" Merry asked, sounding almost angry. "It doesn't make sense! You can't just... just be able to understand something one day and then not the next!"

"She was poisoned," Frodo reminded him. "Maybe she was delirious."

"She's been sleeping for three whole days! You'd think the effects of the poison would have worn off by now!" Merry argued.

Frodo just shrugged. He could feel the ring's power growing. Gandalf had fallen, and Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen was suffering from some kind of mysterious ailment. Things were not looking very good for the fractured Fellowship. Frodo felt his hand going to the chain around his neck, and knew with a sad certainty that he would find no rest here.

~*~

Randi was finding plenty of rest there. She didn't have much of a choice; the Lady's potion-thing had knocked her out pretty thoroughly. Her dreams, however, were most interesting.

Randi found herself standing on air, just as she had so long ago, before this stupid thing had started. Celestina Windbreaker was sitting at a large desk. The desk was a hideous combination of dark, highly-polished mahogany and what appeared to be bright orange marble, which clashed horribly with the goddess's purple and indigo dress. Randi felt her stomach turn just looking at it.

If she had been able to see what Celestina was writing, she would have vomited outright.

Celestina looked up and saw her. The goddess sneered. "Well, look who's here! Unconscious, are you?"

"I suppose so," Randi said with forced politeness. "What are you working on?"

"The rules," The goddess stated simply, scribbling away. "I should almost thank you for destroying them, really. I've been able to put in some wonderful additions."

"Define 'wonderful,'" Randi said flatly, wishing that she was fully solid and could attempt to strangle the goddess again.

"Oh, you'll see," Celestina said sweetly. Randi scowled in her sleep. This did not bode well.



Chapter 11

Randi was still unconscious. This meant she was still pacing around Celestina Windbreaker's hideously-decorated office, waiting for the Goddess to finish with the rules. Randi shot Celestina a nervous look. She did not like the considerable length of the parchment, and she especially didn't like the way the cruel deity kept throwing back her head and cackling every few minutes. She tried to get close enough to the desk to read the rules a few times, but whenever she got too close, the Goddess blasted her insubstantial form away with a leaf blower. Randi was feeling very frustrated.

"In case you want to know," Celestina commented idly as she scribbled away, "the Fellowship is getting awfully suspicious." The Goddess glanced briefly up at Randi, who was leaning bad-temperedly against the invisible barrier that served as a wall. "I'm almost tempted to just scrap the rules and let them tear you apart. I would SO enjoy watching it, especially after all of your irritating attempts to override my authority."

"Then why don't you?" Randi snapped. "I sure as hell don't want to be here! If you don't want me to be here, either, why the hell don't you just send me home and find some other sap to be your stupid beauty queen?"

"Because I rather like seeing you suffer, that's why!" Celestina snapped back, finishing a sentence with a big, loopy flourish that Randi could easily make out from the other side of the room. "There! Done!" The Goddess looked the parchment over, grinning nastily. "Oh, I can't wait to see you deal with some of these additions..."

And then Randi woke up.

*~*~*

Randi was back in her bed. It seemed to take her consciousness a while to flow back into her body, but she was content to wait. Lord knew she wasn't exactly looking forward to coping with some of the new rules Celestina had concocted. Though, to be fair, Randi had to admit that she would be grateful to have the language barrier removed.

Randi felt a slight tingling sensation as the feeling returned to her body. Then she stiffened. Someone was holding her hand. And she had a sneaking suspicion of who the someone was.

Dreading what she'd see, Randi slowly opened one eye. She was lying in the same bed as before. And, as luck - or, more accurately, a stupid Goddess - would have it, Legolas Greenleaf, in all of his one-dimensional puppy-dog glory, was sitting next to her bed. Randi could tell he was asleep by his half-open, glazed eyes. She very carefully tried to remove her hand from his grasp without waking him up... the keyword being 'tried.' As soon as she started to move, his hand tightened around hers. Randi was tugging desperately when the elf blinked his eyes into focus.

He looked at Randi, who was still flapping her arm uselessly in an attempt to get her hand out of his iron grip. His expression went from disbelieving to surprised to overjoyed. "My lady!" He stammered, eyes brimming with happy tears that Randi longed to replace with some hydrochloric acid, "Litherienenn-"

"THAT - IS - NOT - MY - NAME!" Randi gave her hand an especially hard jerk and ended up falling off the other side of the bed when she actually succeeded in freeing herself. Legolas rushed over to help her, and she kicked him in the shin as hard as she could. She had just pulled herself to her feet when she was knocked over by Merry and Pippin, who for some reason were overjoyed to see her. She couldn't understand why; she had barely exchanged two words with both of them combined over the course of the trip.

"We were so worried!" Merry cried, hugging her stomach.

"I was so scared I almost couldn't eat!" Pippin chimed in. "Almost!"

"When the fork did you two become the Bobbsey Twins?!" Randi asked in horror. In response, the hobbits climbed up on her bed and started jumping up and down like two-year-olds, despite the fact that they were both older than she was. Legolas was clutching his leg and looking at her with an expression that was half-smile, half-grimace. Randi found it grotesque.

"I'm so glad you're all right, my lady!" Legolas exclaimed, gingerly putting weight on the leg that she had kicked. He winced and took the weight off. Randi felt a grim rush of triumph which almost made up for her deepening confusion. Almost. Celestina had really out-done herself this time. Before the rules had been destroyed, the rest of the Fellowship had just not been that important. But now it seemed that the Goddess was going out of her way to make everyone as wildly OOC as she possibly could.

As proof, more of the Fellowship arrived. Frodo and Sam scampered into the room. Frodo looked at Randi with an expression that was sad and wise and full of grim understanding, and Sam turned bright pink and stammered bashfully for a moment. Then they both turned around and ran right back out. Randi blinked. Merry and Pippin continued jumping on the bed, and then started telling bad jokes.

"What do you call a fairy that doesn't bathe very often?" Pippin asked as he bounced up and down.

"What?!" Randi asked in complete confusion. Why were they telling jokes?!

"A STINKERBELL!" Merry supplied the answer, and both hobbits fell about laughing. Randi pinched herself. This couldn't be happening. They didn't even have Peter Pan here!

Legolas laughed at the joke.

"I'm in hell," Randi moaned, backing away from the bed. "I'm in hell, I'm in hell-"

"What is small, white, and fluffy?" Merry asked, rumpling the covers as he jumped.

"A bunny?" Legolas guessed.

"Nope!" Merry grinned. Randi's stomach heaved unpleasantly.

"A dove!" Legolas glanced briefly at Randi as he put forth that answer. Randi found a window and tried to shove it open. She was going to jump. This was just too forking much.

"Nope! A small white piece of fluff!" This time Pippin supplied the answer. They all laughed again, and Randi slammed her fists against the window desperately. This was beyond Mary-Sue. This was like a sinister carnival funhouse on acid. She wouldn't last a day with them acting like this! A wild animal shriek tore itself out of her throat.

"AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!" Randi started to slam her head against the wall. Maybe she could have a brain aneurysm. Anything, absolutely anything would be better than this.

Boromir wandered into the room and immediately commenced being an egotistical, womanizing bastard. Legolas punched him out. The two of them were tussling on the floor when Randi finally succeeded in knocking herself unconscious.

*~*~*

Randi found herself in Celestina's throne room. The Goddess was watching her with a smug expression on her face. "How do you like it?" She asked in a simpering sweet voice. "Starting to miss the old OOC Fellowship, I imagine."

"You can NOT keep them like that!" Randi said wildly, her throat sore from shrieking.

"Oh, I wasn't planning on it," the Goddess said idly, waving her hand. "I just wanted to give you a taste of what I could unleash if you continue to piss me off." Celestina pulled out the new rules and, conjuring a pair of scissors out of thin air, snipped off the last few inches. "There. They should be back to abnormal. You, however..." the Goddess grinned nastily. Randi's stomach jumped up to throttle her heart, which tried to escape her stomach by crawling up her throat. What had Celestina done to her?