Mockfest 12 and 13

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 12

Randi woke up with a pounding headache and a heavy sense of foreboding hanging over her like a cartoon rain cloud. What had Celestina done to her? Was the Fellowship really back to abnormal? Randi hoped so. The hobbits in particular had scared her senseless.

Legolas was sitting next to her bed again, only this time, he was awake. Randi saw his eyes shining with both joy and relief at her recovery, and fought back a wave of nausea. His expression quickly faded to one of concern when he misinterpreted her grimace as one of pain.

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, are you all right?" He tried to take her hand in his, but she anticipated this move and jerked her hand out of reach.

"Don't forking touch me!" Randi snapped for the umpteenth time, glaring ferociously at him.

'He's really not that bad looking,' a voice in Randi's head commented. Randi did a double-take, which earned her a very concerned glance from Legolas, and cried out, "WHAT?!"

"I did not say anything," Legolas said slowly.

'Legolas,' the voice said simply. 'He's HOT!'

"He is not!" Randi objected aloud.

'Oh, come on, tell the truth, now...' the voice said craftily.

"Well... well, so what if he is?" Randi snapped. Legolas was frowning at her in confusion.

'So what if he is?' the voice repeated, sounding amused. 'It seems to me that you've got the opportunity of a lifetime, here. Countless girls would kill to be in your shoes.'

"Yeah," Randi sneered sarcastically, "and I'd kill for them to be in my shoes, too, believe me!" Randi was actually terrified. Was it possible that Celestina had turned her own conscience against her?

"My lady," Legolas ventured tentatively, "are you sure you're all right?"

"Can't you see," Randi snapped impatiently, "that I am in the middle of a conversation, here?!" Legolas looked torn between wanting to calm Randi down and wanting to back slowly out of the room with his hands in the air. Compassion won, of course, so the elf stayed in his chair, looking more than a little bit at a loss.

'Look, you want to get out of here, don't you?' the voice continued reasonably. 'The rules say that you can't leave until you two are in love. Legolas is certainly doing his part, so...'

"No!" Randi shouted, horrified. "There HAS to be another way!"

'There is no other way,' the voice said with chilling finality.

"SHUT UP!" Randi clapped her hands over her ears, though it was not that kind of hearing. "YOU'RE LYING!!!" She screwed her eyes shut and screamed. "LIAR LIAR LIAR LIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIIIIIAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!"

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen?" Legolas cried out, frightened. When Randi ignored him and continued to scream, he grabbed her arms and forcefully pulled her hands away from her ears. "Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen," he said in a panic. "Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, please stop!"

"DO NOT FORKING TOUCH ME!!!!" Randi screamed in rage, and the next thing both of them knew, Legolas had flown backwards through the air. He was pinned against the opposite wall, legs dangling several feet above the floor. Randi fell back against her pillow in shock, and Legolas dropped to the floor as if an invisible hand had let him go, visibly shaken.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately, getting slowly to his feet. "I made you lose control."

"Control?!" Randi gasped. "Control of what?!"

Legolas gave her another strange look to add to her growing collection. "Your powers," he said slowly.

Oh, no! Randi thought as she sat back up. That forking Goddess gave me telepathic powers!! Damn it!!!

"I am sorry," he repeated, walking back to the chair and sitting down. "It is entirely my fault."

'Awww... see, he's sweet!' the voice chirped, and Randi winced.

"Shut the hell up," Randi grumbled. Legolas looked hurt, and Randi rolled her eyes. "Not you, dweeb-ass, the voice in my head!"

"I see..." said Legolas, who didn't.

'So sweet and sensitive and caring and dead sexy and...' the voice rambled on, making Randi squirm in protest.

"He forking is NOT! Shut UP!"

'He looooooooves you!' the voice hooted triumphantly. 'And you really want to kiss him.'

"I DO NOT!!" Randi bellowed, almost in tears. This was too forking unfair! Her own MIND was betraying her! To make things more complicated, her wave of despair caused several things in the room to fall off their shelves and crash to the floor.

'Yes you do. Oh, to have his warm, soft lips pressed against your own... doesn't the mere thought just make you weak in the knees?'

"SHUT UP!!!" Randi screamed in frustration, pounding her fists on her bed sheets. The window shattered, and Legolas jumped nervously in his chair. "IT DOES NOT NOW AND IT NEVER WILL IN THE FUTURE!!! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, DAMN IT!!" The individual glass shards on the floor shattered into even smaller shards at this outburst.

"Please," Legolas begged, looking nervously at the glass shards that were systematically shattering themselves down to the consistency of sand, "Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, you have to calm down!"

"I'll calm down," Randi said in a barely-contained voice that trembled with fear and anger, "as soon as you leave the forking room."

"Oh," Legolas said very, very quietly, looking crushed. He slowly got up out of his chair and left the room, giving her one last glance before he disappeared out the door. As soon as he was gone, Randi burst into tears.

And outside, it began to rain.



Chapter 13

Randi was lying flat on her back, staring listlessly at the ceiling. Outside, it continued to rain, though she had stopped crying some time ago. A few drops blew in through the jagged hole where her window had been and sprinkled her skin. Randi blinked, then sat up straight.

She had just had an idea.

Celestina had said that the character's three-dimensional natures still held true in this world, even though they weren't fully explored or developed. That meant that the real Legolas Greenleaf was in the one- dimensional puppy-dog somewhere, just buried out of sight. Was it possible that Randi could appeal to the real Legolas by talking to him? Could Legolas, in short, be reasoned with? A watery beam of sunlight peeked into Randi's room as she decided to find out.

"Legolas!" She called out, feeling slightly idiotic. The elf was in the room an instant later; he must have been sitting on the stairway just outside the door ever since she had banished him.

"Yes, Lither-" he began, but Randi cut him off immediately.

"Randi! My name is RANDI. If you do not call me by that name, I swear I will never speak to you again!" Randi folded her arms and glared at Legolas, who looked slightly taken aback.

"Randi," he repeated slowly.

"Yes," Randi nodded. "Look, I want to tell you something, but I'm not going to bother if you're going to accuse me of lying, so you have to promise to believe me."

Legolas sat down on the chair. Randi had trouble not smirking at his expression. The poor elf was probably shocked that she was speaking civilly to him. "I promise to believe you," he said, the eagerness apparent in his voice. Randi stopped trying to hide her smirk. That stupid Celestina had unwittingly made a huge mistake; the one-dimensional Legolas was so head-over-heels for Randi that he would willingly go along with anything she said!

"You're being messed with by an evil Goddess," Randi said gravely. Legolas blinked. This probably was not what he had expected to hear.

"I'm... what?" he asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"You used to be your regular old self," Randi explained, "but this Goddess named Celestina Windbreaker has twisted your mind to make you fall in love with me." Randi paused thoughtfully, then added, "In real life, you don't love me at all."

'Why the fork are you saying these things?!' the little voice returned with a vengeance, and Randi winced. 'He loves you! He's all you ever dreamed of!'

'He is not,' Randi thought back, then pushed the little voice out of her mind, or tried to.

'Your boyfriend would never know,' the voice whispered cunningly. 'When you return to your world, this will all seem like a dream. You could even say that it was beyond your control...'

'Shut the fork up,' Randi thought viciously as she carefully watched Legolas's reaction. His face looked blank, or maybe a little confused, but there had definitely been a flicker of recognition in his eyes.

"Remember Moria, and the bridge of Kházad-Dûm? You should have been able to shoot down that orc yourself. Why did I have to save you?"

"I... I don't remember..." he said vaguely, starting to frown. Outside, the sun began to shine with gusto. He was getting it!

"She made you helpless," Randi said seriously, looking hard at him. "You have to protect Frodo; that is what you set out to do, and she is making you weak! You'll be useless, Legolas! And it is all her fault!"

'Stop talking to him... you know you really want to just throw yourself at him and do things only found in the R-rated fics!'

'Shut up,' Randi thought firmly, still watching Legolas closely. She could almost see the gears turning in his mind. He frowned at the bedspread for a moment. Then he looked up at Randi, and she was positive that she was seeing the real Legolas.

"Welcome back," Randi said with a grin.

'DAMN IT, GIRL!!' the voice screamed in her head. 'WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THINGS SO DAMN DIFFICULT?!?!'

'Wait...' Randi's eyes widened. 'CELESTINA??!! It's YOU???!!!'

'Shit,' the voice hissed, and was gone. Randi let out a long, wobbly sigh of relief. She hadn't been weakening; Celestina had just been inside her head!

"My head aches," Legolas said, rubbing his temples and scowling. "How long as this been happening?"

"Since Rivendell," Randi said. "You've been annoying as hell!"

"My apologies," he said with a hint of sarcasm, looking at her sharply, "since I seem to recall you being nothing but kind and gentle toward me."

"I saved your life, so shut the fork up," Randi said, smirking. Her smirk faded after a moment into a pensive frown. "What was it like? Not being yourself, I mean."

"I can't remember much of what happened," Legolas said slowly, standing up and pacing. "Only small events. All I can really remember clearly is you," he said with a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance.

"Yeah, well, it's not your fault." Randi shrugged. "It could be worse. She gave me forking telepathic powers!"

Legolas stopped pacing and turned towards Randi with an almost panicked gleam in his eye. "What of Aragorn, Frodo and the others? Are they not themselves as well?"

"Everyone's forked up but me, and now you," Randi confirmed. "I guess we could try reasoning with them, too... but Celestina knows that you're back to normal, so I bet she'll pull something soon." Randi sighed. "Too bad."

"Even the Lady?" Legolas asked desperately.

"Unless Celestina's losing her touch - which I doubt, though it would be nice - you and I are the only two normal people here." Randi leaned back against her pillow. "Welcome to hell, population: us."

"There has to be something we can do to... to lift this enchantment," the elf plopped back down into the chair and gazed thoughtfully at the glass-dust on the floor (the remains of the window).

"I've been trying ever since I got here," Randi said flatly, "and this is the first time I've really made any progress."

"We have to reason with the others," Legolas decided, standing back up. "Come, you are the only one who clearly remembers everything that has happened." Legolas pulled Randi out of bed and dragged her down the stairs to the Fellowship's small camp.

"Aragorn?" Legolas called out as soon as they were within sight of the camp.

"Hi, Legolas... Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen! You are awake!" Aragorn strode over to where the two normal people were standing and beamed at Randi who smiled weakly in return. Legolas was staring at Aragorn in horror.

"Hi?" Legolas repeated almost silently to himself, puzzled.

"Legolas? Are you feeling all right?" Aragorn frowned at Legolas, who inadvertently took a step backwards. The elf turned to Randi.

"This Goddess you speak of has done her work well," he said, his voice trembling slightly. Randi nodded slowly.

"Yeah, I think she has a lot of time on her hands. But let me see if I can snap him out of it." Randi turned to Aragorn, who was frowning slightly at the both of them. "Hey, Aragorn, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me."

"Certainly, my lady," Aragorn said graciously, and Randi started to smile.

"Can you tell me why the fork I'm even traveling with you guys? I mean, I'm forking useless!"

"You're not useless," Aragorn said sincerely, still lamentably one- dimensional. "You have your powers."

"But shouldn't that really make me more dangerous?" Randi reasoned. "I mean, just think, I could take the ring from Frodo from fifty paces away without lifting a finger or looking like I'm doing anything! You should have me forking locked up and not traveling with you guys!"

"Tread carefully," Legolas muttered. "He may take your words to heart."

"He can't without breaking free of the spell," Randi retorted. "The Aragorn Celestina's created would never throw me in a cell. I'm a Mary-Sue; everyone loves me!"

"Your modesty is astounding," Legolas snorted sarcastically.

"Truth hurts," Randi shot back smugly.

Aragorn was frowning thoughtfully. It seemed that he really wanted to argue, but couldn't think of anything to say. Randi peered into his eyes. She could almost see the filters breaking down...

Unfortunately, at that precise moment, Celestina arrived in a towering rage.