Mockfest 17 and 18

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 17

Randi was getting desperate. The Fellowship was leaving. And so was her privacy. They would be getting their gifts and climbing into the boats shortly, and Randi was positive that she would end up in the same boat as Legolas. And she did NOT want that to happen.

You're LEAVING soon! Ed wailed miserably. What am I going to do with no one to talk to? You're my only friend here! The horse drooled sorrowfully all over Randi's dress, but the saliva rolled harmlessly off the fabric.

"I'll miss you, too," Randi said truthfully, stroking Ed's neck. "What am I going to do with no way to get away from that stupid elf?"

How will I… oh, no, how will I ever figure out dirt without you?! You're the one who figured out that the grass was mas… massey…

"Masochistic," Randi laughed a little. "It's just a theory."

"Randi?" Boromir stood a little off to the side. "The Lady wishes to see us all."

Wonderful, Randi thought sadly. Time to go get some rope or whatever the heck they plan on giving me. She followed Boromir to where the rest of the Fellowship was standing. Gimli was shuffling nervously, and the hobbits looked slightly apprehensive. Randi took her place in line… next to Legolas, of course. She had to admit that she was slightly curious about what the Lady would choose to give her. They hadn't exactly gotten along too well. Randi suspected that the elf-witch was still sore over her refusal to look into the mirror. Ed had followed dejectedly behind them, and she could see him peering at her from behind a tree.

Randi was given her Lorien cloak along with all the others. Then she stared off into space as the others received their gifts. She had a great deal of difficulty holding back her laughter as Legolas received his new bow; it struck her as a phallic symbol, and he was running his hands over it so lovingly…

Randi made a little choking noise as a guffaw nearly broke out. Galadriel gave her a look that wasn't exactly friendly.

"And what would you ask of me, Lady Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen?"

Randi opened her mouth to say something insolent, but then she was hit with a flash of brilliance. Randi swallowed her sarcastic jibe and pointed a trembling finger at Ed. "Him."

Galadriel looked back at the horse, her brow furrowing slightly.

"Milady," Aragorn said quietly, looking embarrassed, "the horse cannot come in the boats."

"I know that," Randi said slowly, trying to keep the excitement out of her voice. "He doesn't have to. I'll ride him. We'll just go along the bank."

"What about orcs?" Legolas said, eyes dark with concern.

"I can handle orcs," Randi said, not caring how conceited she sounded. Ed's ears pricked forward hopefully as he looked from Galadriel to Aragorn to Randi, and he took a tentative step towards the group. "He'll be helpful! I bet he can fight… Legolas!" Taking a gamble, Randi turned towards the elf. "I need someone who can protect me and look after me when you or Aragorn are busy." Legolas looked thoughtful, and she knew she'd struck a nerve.

"You truly want that horse?" Galadriel said, sounding slightly bewildered.

"More than anything," Randi said fervently.

Awwww! Ed, unable to lurk behind the trees any longer, trotted up and bumped Randi with his nose. Yeah! I want to come with you! If any orcs try to hurt you, I'll kick their heads in! The dirt will help; I'm pretty sure it's sentient!

"That probably won't be necessary," Randi said to the stallion, hugging him. She looked expectantly at Galadriel. "So? Can I keep him?"

Galadriel though for a moment, then shrugged… a disturbing sight. "Why not? You may keep him."

"Thanks!" Randi beamed at Galadriel, who actually smiled back.

*~*~*

As the Fellowship argued over boating arrangements, Randi sat on top of Ed, feeling extremely smug. She wouldn't have to sit next to Leglass-hole. She wouldn't have to be in a cramped little boat. And, despite lover-boy's worries, she wasn't concerned about orcs in the least. She was looking forward to a nice, long ride withOUT the Fellowship; hell, she was even looking forward to talking about DIRT with a chatty horse. It certainly beat talking about a relationship with an OOC elf who couldn't take a hint.

The boats set out, and Randi urged Ed along a trail that Celeborn kindly pointed out (he clearly didn't know that it was Randi who had beaned him with the vial).

We're going on an adventure! Ed tossed his head eagerly. We're going to have so much fun! Just think of all the types of dirt we might see!

"Yeah, we might even see clay," Randi said, grinning, and Ed shuddered with joy.

*~*~*

As Randi and Ed trotted along the path, sometimes within sight of the river and sometimes not, she began to wonder just how long this trip was going to take. The movie had made it look like just a day, but she was pretty sure it was longer in the book. Her question was answered when she found herself passing the Argonath several hours later. This was ridiculous. Had they gone through a time warp? Then again, it could be Celestina's doing. The goddess probably wanted to speed things along, since this particular segment of the story was not doing anything for her and Legolas's relationship. Half an hour later, Randi was back with the Fellowship at their campsite. She would have helped out, but she was too busy thinking. Hadn't she started out on the Eastern shore? How the heck did she cross the river? Ed wasn't much help in that matter; he was too busy snuffling around in the novel river-dirt.

It smells like fish! He commented, snorting. Why do you suppose that is?

"Maybe because there are fish in the river," Randi said, raising her eyebrows. Ed looked at her in awe.

Where do you GET this stuff? Ed asked.

"How was your ride?" Legolas asked, sounding slightly hurt. Randi resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

"Uneventful," she replied evenly, then turned away as Gimli started to complain. She watched the dwarf for a minute, then realized that Frodo and Boromir were gone. She almost said something, but then held back. She didn't want to get mixed up in that crap. She would just stay put. The orcs wouldn't come to the camp. And she didn't want Ed getting hurt… the poor horse was so simple; she'd feel responsible. It would be like taking a toddler into a minefield.

A moment later, Merry pointed out what Randi had already noticed, and the Fellowship disappeared into the trees. Randi didn't move to get up, but Legolas practically dragged her along with him.

"You shouldn't be alone," he scolded gently, ignoring Randi when she tried to point out that being with Ed wasn't the same as being alone.

Hey, where are you going? Can I come? Ed stamped nervously.

"Stay here, Ed," Randi said firmly.

No! Don't leave me! Ed sounded panicked.

"I'll be back!" Randi assured him as Legolas tugged impatiently at her hand. Then it occurred to her that she might be able to die in the battle. Better not make the horse any promises. Then again, she didn't want to say anything that would make Leggy suspicious. 'Ed,' she thought to the horse, 'if I don't come back, just go back to Lothlórien, okay?'

What do you mean, if you don't come back? What do you mean by that? Ed wailed. But Legolas firmly dragged her away to search for the ringbearer, and she wasn't able to respond.



Chapter 18

Randi tugged her arm out of Legolas's grasp as soon as she was out of sight of Ed and glared at the elf.

"Don't forking touch me! Jeez, how many times do I have to tell you?!"

"Orcs may be about," Legolas said, frowning back at her. Then his expression softened. "I just do not want anything to happen to you. If you were injured, I don't know what I-"

"Oh, stuff it," Randi interrupted the elf's romantic monologue. "I think I can handle a few orcs, okay?" She stopped in her tracks and folded her arms stubbornly. "Besides, we'll cover more ground if we split up. You go that way, and I'll go this way." Without waiting for a reply, Randi turned and dashed off.

She stopped after a minute and turned around. No sign of Leggy-lulu. He must have actually listened to her for once; fancy that! Randi turned back around and started to stroll aimlessly through the wood. She could faintly hear the clashing of metal on metal and the roars of the Uruk-Hai. Battle! Maybe she could get shot! Randi started to make her way towards the roaring noises.

She was still jogging through the trees when the noise started to lessen. Crap, was she too late? It would be pretty difficult to die if she missed the fight altogether! Randi broke into a run, looking around frantically for some of the enemy.

"Someone shoot me, someone shoot me, Uruk-Hai, Uruk-Hai," she sang softly to herself as she ran. "I want to go ho-ome, I want to go ho-ome, let me die, let me die…" Before she could repeat the twisted little tune, she tripped and rolled sideways down a hill. "Ow! Son of a crack whore!" She picked herself up gingerly and grinned as she saw a big group of Uruk-Hai right in front of her. They were facing the other way, though. That wouldn't do. "Hey, orc-things! Kill me!" Randi shouted and waved.

The Uruks all turned to look at her. Randi spread her arms out to present a bigger target. "Come on! Shoot me dead!"

A moment later, Uruk-Hai were falling like flies. Randi sighed in disappointment as they shot, stabbed, or strangled themselves. A large, particularly ugly one with a crossbow shot himself right between the eyes and fell with a thump. Randi rolled her own eyes, which had sadly not been impaled by anything. Some servants of Saruman these chumps were.

The last Uruk-Hai fell to the ground and twitched a few times, and Randi finally saw what it was they had been concentrating on before she had shown up.

Boromir stared at her in shock, and Merry and Pippin exchanged a delighted glance.

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, you SAVED us!" Pippin cried out, delighted.

Randi's jaw dropped, and there was a long, awkward silence. Boromir opened his mouth to say something, but another voice broke in before he could speak.

"THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!" A strong wind blew through the clearing the four were standing in, making their cloaks billow about dramatically. Then the whirlwind concentrated itself into the form of a tall, imposing woman with steel-gray hair and a simple yet elegant blue gown. She glared regally around the clearing, her eyes narrowing when they landed on the very-much-alive Boromir and the very-much-not-captured-by-Uruks hobbits. "I have been patient!" The stranger barked, making Merry and Pippin jump. "I have kept my silence, but this is too much! If I wasn't half-expecting some stunt like this, I would VOMIT!" The woman whirled around to stare at Randi, who fidgeted nervously, and folded her arms. "CELESTINA!"

There was a poof of fuchsia smoke, and the goddess appeared, looking… but Randi didn't see how it was possible. Did she really look sheepish?! "What?" Celestina sulked, not meeting the other woman's eyes.

"You know DAMN WELL what! Don't play dumb with ME, missy!"

"Erm, question," Randi interrupted, timidly raising her hand. "Who exactly are you?"

"I," the woman said, still glaring at Celestina, "am the goddess of Canon." She transferred her gaze to Randi and raised an eyebrow. "I should think THAT would be obvious." She turned back to Celestina. "And I am SICK of your antics! You ought to be ASHAMED of yourself! I haven't been this disgusted since your sister paired Frodo and Aragorn!"

"Eww!" Pippin squealed, but shut up quickly when the goddess of Canon glared at him.

"Look!" She pointed at Pippin. "Pippin does not 'ew!' HE DOES NOT 'EW!' What are you THINKING?!" Celestina flinched, and Randi bit back a cheer.

"He's cuter that way," Celestina argued weakly. The other goddess swelled with rage.

"HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE, YOU TWIT, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HIMSELF!!!! HOW DARE YOU TURN THESE WONDERFUL CHARACTERS INTO THESE… THESE PATHETIC SHADOWS OF THEIR FORMER SELVES?!" The goddess glared daggers at Celestina for a moment, then shook her head. "You are GROUNDED!"

"Mom!" Celestina objected, stamping her foot.

"Don't you Mom me! I am about this far," the goddess held her thumb and forefinger a millimeter apart, "from disowning you! You're grounded for a century, and that's that!"

"A century?!" Celestina's eyes widened.

"TWO centuries!" Her mother snapped.

"That's SO unfair!" Celestina wailed.

"THREE CENTURIES!" The Canon goddess roared. "One more PEEP out of you, and I make it an eon!"

Randi's bottom lip trembled as she fought back a laugh. This was too good to be true! The goddess of Canon turned her attention to Randi.

"Who, may I ask, are you?"

"I'm a tenth walker," Randi said with a grin. The Canon goddess turned purple.

"Celestina, how many ringwraiths are there?" She asked in a dangerously calm voice.

"Um… nine," Celestina said.

"And how many Fellowship members SHOULD there be?"

"Nine," Celestina whispered.

"So what, may I ask, is a TENTH WALKER DOING HERE?!?!?!" The goddess shook her fist, outraged. "DO YOU REALIZE THAT TOLKIEN IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE AS WE SPEAK?!"

Celestina took the abuse without complaint. She probably didn't want to get grounded again, Randi thought with no small amount of delight.

"SO," the goddess of Canon said, folding her arms again, "what are you going to do?"

"Sennerbak," Celestina mumbled.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you!"

"Send her back," Celestina repeated grumpily.

"And then what?!" Canon goddess prompted.

Celestina sighed. "Fix the Fellowship."

"That's right!" The goddess snarled. "And the next time I catch you messing with the Fellowship, you're grounded INDEFINITELY, understand?!"

"Yes'm," Celestina muttered, thoroughly abashed.

"So…?" Canon goddess raised her eyebrows expectantly.

Celestina gave her mother a rebellious look, but nonetheless, Randi disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"Good!" Canon goddess nodded. "Now restore the Fellowship to normal! I want him dead and them captured before I can count to five!" She pointed to Boromir and the hobbits, who looked like they would have preferred abnormality. Celestina sighed and raised her hands.

*~*~*

Randi swore as she hit the ground with a thud. She picked herself up and rubbed her backside. The fact that Celestina had been grounded didn't give her the right to take it out on Randi. The girl looked around and grinned. She was back in her room, safe and sound! She had shrunk several inches, her ears were round, and she was swearing jeans and a normal shirt. Thank God for Express, Randi though fervently.

"ROOMY!" Her roommate hugged her. "You're back, too! What was up with that goddess? Forked-up, eh?"

"You're telling ME! At least you got to come back here right away… I had to fend off Legolas all the way to Amon Hen."

"What?" Carrie looked confused. "But I just got back a second ago!"

"Time must be different or something," Randi said, waving her hand casually. "I'm just glad to be BACK!" An evil grin split her face. "And you know what I'm going to do now?"

Carrie rolled her eyes. "See you tomorrow."

Randi laughed and put on her rollerblades. She had been wanting to do this for a long time.