Bad Guys #5
Aug. 10th, 2004 11:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nobleplatypusThe next scene: The truth comes out!
(on the small fast ship off the Isle of Doom, Death, and All Things Bad)
Liz: (climbs on board. Looks at crew) Not *more* bad guys! Sheesh!
Gibbs: Hey there, Liz! Bet you're still bad luck!
Liz: Gibbs?! What the fork! I thought you died!
Gibbs: Nah, I just lived with the pigs for a while.
Liz: That's more than I need to know.
Will: (climbs up on the ship)
Gibbs: Hey! Where's Jack, kid?
Liz: Jack? Jack the Great?!
Will: He fell back . . . (to self) with some help from me, heh heh! (loud voice once more) Come on Liz, let's go take care of your hand. (leads Liz off)
Gibbs: Well, fork! (stamps feet, then sighs) We have to keep to the code. Ann, it looks like you are in charge, now.
Ann: (shouts) Pull up the big thing that keeps the ship in one place! Hoist the sails! Move quick, or I chop off your heads and put them on a plate and feed them to George!
George: But I don't like heads!
Gibbs: Why are you still up here? Will left, dude!
George: (looks back and forth) Well, hell! (crawls off)
(cut to cave)
The Boss: (to Jack) How in the hell did you get off of that wee spit of land we dumped you on??
Jack: When you dumped me on that wee spit of land and left me to die, you missed one key fact, mate. (spreads arms and grins) I'm Jack the Great! And I have lots of hair! (stops and thinks for a bit) So that would be *two* key facts you missed.
The Boss: Well, your hair won't save you this time, punk! Gents, you all know Jack . . . shoot his ass!
Jack: The girl's blood did not work, did it?
The Boss: Don't shoot his ass. (looks hard at Jack) Do you know whose blood we need?
Jack: Sure do! Bwa ha!
(cut to Will and Liz in the small fast ship)
Liz: (tries to wrap gauze 'round her hand, but does not have much luck) What sort of ass tries to trade a hot elf dude's life for a ship?!
Will: A bad guy ass. Here, let me help you with that. (takes gauze and starts to wrap up Liz's hand)
Liz: Wow, thanks!
George: Oh, I'm late! My bad! (tries to crawl back in Will)
Will: (whines) Damn it George! Will you please just leave? You will spoil it all if you stay here!
George: What? Oh . . . um . . . (tears start to form in his eyes) all . . . right . . . (crawls off to cry)
Liz: You did not have to be so mean, Will. He may be a tape worm, but that does not mean that he can't be hurt.
Will: Let's not talk about it! (clears throat. There is a long pause) So, you said that you told the Boss that your last name was too long to say, like mine. Why?
Liz: Oh, I don't know . . . well, yes I do. But I won't tell! Well, yes I will. Well . . .
Will: (ties a knot in the gauze) All done! (pulls hands back)
Liz: No, don't stop! I mean, uh, the knot does not seem that tight to me . . . you should tie it once more.
Will: *rolls eyes* Do you want me to kiss you?
Liz: HELL YES!
Will: You could have just asked in the first place, you know.
Liz: KISS ME, YOU FOOL! (throws self at Will)
Will: HOT DAMN! Wait . . . what's that on your neck?
Liz: Uh . . . (eyes shift) I have no clue what you speak of, Will . . .
Will: Oh, it's just some dirt. (rubs it off)
Liz: NOW KISS ME!
Will: All right, all right . . . wait, what is *that* thing on your neck? (grabs coin thing)
Liz: Oh, uh . . . (takes off gold coin thing) It's yours. You should have it back. (hands it back to Will)
Will: (looks at it) I thought I lost it in the sea when I was eight. It was a gift from my dad. He sent it to me with a note that said 'make sure no bad guys get this.' (starts to frown and glares at Liz) Why the fork did you take it?!
Liz: (eyes tear up) I did not want you to be a bad guy, that would suck, and I thought if I took it it would make you *not* be a bad guy . . . hell, I was eight! I was dumb and I felt like it!
Will: (it dawns on him) It's not your blood they need. It's my blood! My dad's blood . . . the blood of a bad guy! CRAP!
Liz: Please don't be mad at me!
Will: (slams hand down)
Will's hand: BAM!
Liz: (jumps)
Coin thing: Ow!
Liz: Well, I'll just leave you to sulk, then.
Will: (pissed off) Yes, please do!
Liz: (leaves to find George so they can both cry)
(cut to Black Pearl)
The Boss: (to Jack) So, you want to leave me on some beach with naught but a name and your word that it is the one I need, and watch you sail off in my ship?
Jack: Of course not! I want to leave you on some beach with *squat* while you watch me sail off in *my* ship, and then I'll yell the name back to you! Get it? (grins) I'll yell real loud, don't you fear!
The Boss: I'm still not sure I like the whole 'me on some beach with naught but a name and your word that it is the one I need' part.
Jack: Well, (pokes through fruit) of the two of us, I am the one who has not been a huge ass. (picks up a fruit) So it's my word we'll go by. (thinks for a bit) But then, if you had not dumped me on that wee spit of land, I would be cursed like you, now! So I should thank you! (laughs, then bites into fruit) Ain't life a bitch? (holds fruit out to the Boss)
Small ape: SCREECH! (means: I think I will jump on you!) (jumps on Jack)
Bo: (comes in) Boss, we will catch up to that small fast ship soon.
The Boss: Hot damn! (goes up on deck and looks at small fast ship through spy glass)
Jack: (stands in front of spy glass and blocks the Boss's view) I have a thought! What say we run up a flag of truce, and I go to the small fast ship and ask them to give the coin thing back! What say you to that?
The Boss: I say you are a freak. See Jack, this is where you suck and I rock. If I kill them all, it will take us just a short while to search them and find the coin thing! (to Bo) Lock this bitch in the brig!
Bo: Sure thing, Boss! (drags Jack off)
The Boss: (chucks Jack's fruit through a hole in the sails) Woo hoo! Ten points to me!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The next scene: A big chase and a big fight!
(on the small fast ship)
Gibbs: Put on all of the sails you can find! Stitch more if you have to!
Liz: (to Ann) What's the deal, here?
Ann: (at wheel, but to Liz) The Black Pearl will catch up with us soon, that's what the deal is!
Liz: But this ship is way fast!!
Ann: Well, you can tell them that when they catch us!
Liz: Our ship does not go as far down in the sea as their ship does, right?
Ann: Aye . . . what's your point?
Liz: Well, can't we lose them in those shoals? (points to shoals)
Gibbs: That could work!
Ann: Make the ship more light, stem to stern!
Gibbs: If we can lose it, see that it gets lost!
Will: Aaarrrgh! (is tossed off the ship) SPLOOSH!
Liz: That was *so* not cool! (throws Will a rope. He climbs back on board) Who did that?!
Whole crew: NOT ME!
Liz: You all suck!
(cut to Black Pearl)
Jack: (is locked in brig. There is lots of wet stuff on the floor) You know, I think there may be a leak.
Bo: Shut up! (leaves)
(cut to deck of Black Pearl)
The Boss: Haul on the main brace! Get out the guns! And (laughs) run out the sweeps! That should show 'em!
(oars are poked out of side of ship)
(cut to small "fast" ship)
Some guy: (starts to roll a gun off of the ship)
Will: I would not do that if I were you.
Ann: (sees oars) OARS??!! That is SO not fair at all!!! (looks at Liz) Well, your plan was a good one till they sprung out those oars. Damn it, these guys are good!
George: I thought they were bad guys.
Ann: You know what I mean!
Will: (runs up) Gibbs, we have to make a stand! We must fight! Load the guns!
Ann: With what?
Will: All the sharp stuff we can find, of course!
Liz: (to Will) You are so hot right now!
Will: (grins) Thanks!
Gibbs: Load the guns! Nails, cut glass, forks! If it will fit, stuff it in a gun! Come on, come on, move it!
Crew: (stuffs stuff in guns. Short man takes Gibbs's flask and stuffs it in a gun)
Gibbs: The Pearl will luff up on our port side. She'll kick our ass and there will be squat we can do!
Liz: Drop the big thing that keeps the boat in one place on the right side!
Ann: (gives Liz a blank look)
Liz: What, can't you guys tell right from left??!!
Ann: Nope.
Liz: Aarrgh! Look, *this* is right, (waves right hand) and *this* is left! (waves left hand) You can tell this hand is your left cuz it makes and 'L' with your thumb and . . .
Ann: You are daft!
Will: No, see, she's right, it makes an 'L', 'L' for left! (laughs) That's so cool!
Liz: I'm glad *you* get it, at least!
Ann: You are both daft!
Gibbs: Daft like Jack! Her plan could work! (short pause) What was it, now?
Liz: Drop the big thing that keeps the boat in one place on the RIGHT (points right) side of the ship!
Gibbs: Drop the big thing that keeps the boat in one place on the right side! This one! (points right) Do it quick, you dogs, or I'll stuff you in a gun and shoot you at the Pearl!
(they drop the big thing that keeps the ship in one place)
Ship: WHOA!!! Geez, first these guys want me to go real fast that way, and now they want me to stop and turn! I wish they would just make up their minds! And why won't that girl let go of the wheel?? It *hurts* . . .
Liz: (to Ann) Let go of the wheel!
Ann: (lets go of the wheel)
Wheel: SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN WHEEEE!!
Ship: (sighs) Aaahhhhhhhh . . . that feels GREAT! (turns)
The Boss: Crap! Turn left quick, and pull in the oars on the right side!
Bo: TURN LEFT!
Bad guy: Which way is left?
Bo: THAT way, you freak! (points left, cuz he is smart)
Will: All right . . . get set . . . go!
The Boss: SHOOT!
Liz: SHOOT!
Fight: (starts)
Small ship's guns: BOOM BOOM BOOM!!
Black Pearl's big-ass guns: BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
(cut to Jack. A hole is blown in his cell)
Jack: Don't put holes in my ship, you jerks! (sees Gibbs's flask and grabs it, but there is no booze in it) Crap! (sees that lock has been blown off) Hey . . . all right! (slips out of cell)
(cut to Pint and Rag)
Pint: (sees spoon hit the wood near his head) Dude, is that a spoon?
Rag: What's in my eye?
Pint: (points) Fork!
Rag: Yeah, it *does* suck . . . but what's in my eye?
Pint: FORK!
Rag: Damn it, will you just tell me what is in my eye?!
Pint: A FORK! (pulls it out, eye comes with)
Rag: What the fork!
Pint: I *told* you!
Rag: Aw, now I am PISSED OFF! (they glare through the hole that the gun pokes out of)
Guns: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
Short man: It's so loud!
Gibbs: (to Liz) So, now what do we do?
Liz: I thought of the last thing; it's your turn!
Gibbs: What we need is a thing we can give them to make them stop!
Ann: (points gun at Liz) Why don't we give them her?
Liz: I hate you!
Will: She is not what they want. Now move that gun or I kick your ass!
Ann: Eep! (pulls gun back)
Liz: (looks down) The gold coin thing!
Will: I'll get it! (runs down to find gold coin thing)
(cut to Black Pearl)
The Boss: Come on, you guys, let's show some PEP! (grabs some pom poms) Give me a 'B', give me an 'A', give me a 'D', give me a SPACE, give me a 'G', give me a 'U', give me a 'Y', give me an 'S'! BAD GUYS! BAD GUYS! WOOOOOO! (waves pom poms and does the splits. Gets up and chucks pom poms in to the sea, and acts like he did not just do . . . what he just did) Grab some ropes and hooks, then swing to their ship!
(cut to Will)
Will: (looks for coin thing and does not have much luck) Where the fork is that dumb thing?
Small ape: (waves gold coin thing) SCREECH! (means: You mean this dumb thing? Heh heh heh! I will take it to The Boss, and there is not much you can do to stop me!) (jumps off)
Bad guys: (pile up things to blow up ship)
(cut to Pint and Rag. They shoot some stuff at the small ship which makes the mast break and fall down)
(cut to small ship)
Ship: OOWWWWWW!!!!!
Will: Well, hell!
The Boss: Some of you go and blow this ship to hell! The rest of you, bring me the gold coin thing!
Will: (is trapped) Hey! Hey! HEY I AM STUCK DOWN HERE!!!! HELP!!! DAMN IT!!
Jack: (takes rope from a bad guy) Why, thank you! (swings to small ship)
Gibbs: Jack!
Jack: Gibbs! Your flask has no booze in it! (hands flask back)
Bad guy: (to Liz) Heh, time to die, girl! (brings sword up)
Jack: (grabs bad guy's arm) That's not nice, mate! (hits him quite hard; the bad guy falls off of the ship) (to Liz) Where is the coin thing?
Liz: You wretch! (starts to hit him)
Jack: (grabs her wrist and smirks at her wrapped-up hand) Ah! And where is Will?
Liz: Will! Crap! (runs off to find him. Finds him) Will!
Will: Liz!
Liz: Will!
Will: Liz!
Liz: Will!!
Will: Just get me the fork out of here!
Liz: Oh, right! (tries to move stuff off of grate)
Will: The wet stuff is at my foot, now . . . oh, gee, it's up to my knee! . . . oh, crap, it's up to my lap! . . .
Jack: (sees small ape with coin thing) Small ape! Get back here!
Liz: I can't move it! Looks like you're screwed! (is dragged off by bad guys) Eek!
Will: Liz! Oh, heck, it's up to my neck!
Bad guys: (light fuse and run)
The Boss: (gets the coin thing from the small ape) Why, thanks, Jack!
Jack: No big deal. (shrugs)
The Boss: Not you. We named the small ape Jack. (laughs) Gents, our hope is back once more!
Bad guys: YAY!
Jack: I hate you.
Will: Oh, ship, it's up to my lip! Oh, dread, it's up to my blub blub glub!! (swims down to try and get out)
Ship: Is it warm in here, or is it just me?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The next scene: Liz and Jack walk the plank!
(on the Black Pearl. The crew of the small "fast" ship is tied to the mast)
Pint: If one of you chumps so much as *thinks* the word 'please,' I'll kick your ass!
Crew: Gulp!
Small ship: It *is* hot in here!
Liz: (breaks out of ropes and runs to the Boss and starts to punch him) NO! You have to make the ship not blow up!
Small ship: Whoa . . . what does she mean by 'blow up'? I don't like the sound of this . . . BOOM! (blows up) AAAIIEEEEEEE!!! (dies)
Liz: WILL!!
The Boss: Well, look who it is! We were nice to you last time, seems to me that this time you should be nice to us . . . if you know what I mean! (shoves Liz to his bad guy crew)
Bad guy crew: HOT DAMN!
Liz: EEK! Bad touch!
Will: (climbs up to deck, grins from ear to ear) Dude, that was like, sooo sweet! What a rush! I was like, WHOA! Then the ship was like, WHOA! Then we both were like, whooaaaa. (sighs, then looks grim) Hey, Boss! (pulls out gun and points it at Boss) She goes free!
Liz: WILL!! (writhes with joy)
George: WILL!! (writhes with joy)
The Boss: What's in your head, boy?
Will: Uh . . . (frowns and nods at Liz) she goes free! (turns to crew) Did I not just say that?
The Boss: You just have one shot and we can't die, freak! (starts to laugh)
Will: (looks at Jack)
Jack: Please, please, *please* don't do dumb stuff!
Will: Hmmm . . . (backs up and jumps up on to the edge of the boat; holds ropes so he won't fall off, and points gun at self) You can't . . . but I can!
Liz: (squirms)
George: (squirms)
Jack: (sighs and looks down) Like that.
The Boss: Who the fork do you think you are?
Jack: (runs up to Boss) No one! He's no one! He does not think, (shoots Will a look) there for he is not. He sings real nice though, (soft voice) he's been "fixed".
Will: My name is Will, and my last name is too long to say! I am the son of Old Boots Bill, whose last name was too long to say! His blood runs through my veins! So there! (sticks out tounge)
Rag: He looks just like him! I did not see that till just now, though!
Will: On my word, do as I say, or I'll bust a cap in my own head and fall down to Dave E. Jones's . . .
Dave E. Jones: (from off stage) NOOOO!! Not you, too!!!! Things are bad as it is; don't make it worse!!!!!!
All: ?????????
The Boss: What the fork was that? (frowns, then shrugs and moves on) All right, Will, name your terms.
Will: (rolls eyes) She goes free!
The Boss: (rolls eyes) Yes, we know that one. Will that be all?
Jack: (holds up sign that says: SAVE ME, YOU DOLT!)
Will: And . . . uh . . . the crew! You can't hurt the crew!
The Boss: Sounds good to me!
(short time jump. Will is gagged and held back while Liz is forced to walk the plank)
Bad guy: Go on, walk, bitch! Ha ha ha!
Liz: I hate you!
Will: (breaks free . . . sort of. His gag is off) You SUCK, Boss! You big fat dumb old fart, you said she'd go free!!!
The Boss: Don't you dare call me an old fart, boy! I can still do the splits, can't I? And I said she would go free, just like you asked; it's your own dumb fault that you did not say when or where she should go free, so there!
Will: (is gagged once more) MMMPH!
The Boss: Though, it does seem like shame to lose such a fine thing, don't it, boys?
Bad guy crew: Yeah . . . (nod)
The Boss: (leers) So I'd like to have that dress back, if you don't mind.
Jack: (to bad guy) Uh . . . I love you.
Bad guy: (to Jack) Shut up!
Liz: But I do mind!
The Boss: Give me the dress, damn it!
Liz: FINE! (takes off dress, balls it up, and chucks it in to the sea) Oops, I missed! (sighs) My aim is so bad . . . I did mean to toss it to you, though, I swear . . .
The Boss: Well, if I can't have the dress, I'll just have the rest of your clothes, then!
Will: MMMMMMMPH!!!! (means: HOT DAMN!)
Liz: Fork you! (jumps) SPLOOSH!
George: You GO, girl!
Jack: (is dragged to plank) I had hoped we were past all this, you know.
The Boss: Jack, Jack, Jack! (shakes head, then laughs) See that wee spit of land out there? Did you see that it is the same wee spit of land we dumped you on LAST time?
Jack: I did see . . . gulp.
The Boss: Well, you could rope some more seals . . . but I don't think so! (laughs and points sword at Jack's neck) Off you go, now!
Jack: Uh . . . (is pushed on to the plank) Last time, you gave me a gun with one shot in it.
The Boss: Well, hell, you're right! Where's Jack's gun? Bring it up here!
Bad guy: Here you go! (gives Boss Jack's gun)
Jack: Well . . . since there are two of us, a real cool guy would give me TWO guns.
The Boss: No, you can just have this one gun, then you can be the real cool guy and shoot the girl, then starve to death! Or you could eat her corpse . . .
Jack: EEWWW!!!
The Boss: You want your gun? DIVE FOR IT! (chucks gun in to sea)
Jack: (jumps of plank) SPLOOSH!
George: Why did Jack say 'ew'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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