Bad Guys #2
Aug. 10th, 2004 10:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nobleplatypusHere's more.....
Scene five: A big fight with swords at the Smith's!
Jack: (slips in door and sees Brown all passed out and stuff. Pokes him a few times to see if he will wake up)
Brown: Zzzzzz…
Jack: Whoa!
Brown: Zzzzz…
Jack: Wake up!
Brown: Zzzzz…
Jack: Fire!
Brown: Snort zzzzzzz…
Jack: Well, fine, then. Sleep all you want. (looks for a thing he can use to break the chain. Finds some cheese. Tries to break chain with cheese, which of course does not work) Crap! (sees huge gears. Thinks for a bit. Takes a red hot thing and pokes mule)
Mule: Yurrrggghhh!! (means: Ow! Fine, I'll walk! Sheesh, you could have just asked!) (starts to walk in a loop)
Gears: (turn and make a loud noise)
Jack: All right! (breaks chain on gears. Hears Will come in the door and hides)
Will: (to self in soft tone of voice) . . . I should have just clubbed her and dragged her back here by her hair . . . (sees gears turn when they should be still) Whoa! Calm down, mule! (hugs mule, who calms down. Sees Brown all passed out and stuff) Right where I left you, you big, fat ass.
Mule: Urgh! (means: Hey! Watch it, pal!)
Will: And Swann thinks that you made that sword… as if… (sees cheese) Hey! Who moved my cheese?! (sees Jack's hat) And whose hat is this? (moves to touch hat)
Jack's sword: Thwap! (hits Will's hand)
Jack: Don't get your good guy germs on my nice hat!
Will: You are that bad guy that the guards tried to shoot!
Jack: Yeah, their aim sucks. (looks hard at Will) Have we met?
Will: I make it a point to not hang out with bad guys.
Jack: Well, that's nice. Good for you. I'll just leave, then. (turns to leave, but Will pulls out his own sword) Are you nuts? I'll kick your ass, boy!
Will: You were mean to Miss Swann! Feel my wrath!
(they fight)
Swords: CLANG CLING CLASH CLANG!!!
Jack: Not bad, kid.
Will: And we keep time with the score!
Jack: Or does the score keep time with us?
Will: Who cares?
Swords: CLANG TING CLASH BANG!!!
Jack: Good form! What say you step that way? I swear I won't run for the door.
Will: Sure thing!
Swords: TING PING CLASH TANG!!!
Jack: Well, that was fun. See ya! (runs for the door)
Will: (throws sword)
Will's sword: WHOOSH THUD! Wum wum wum wum wum . . .
Door: OW! Geez, what the fork did I do to you, huh?!?!
Jack: (tugs hard on sword, but it will not come out, since it is too deep in the door)
Door: Just leave me to die.
Jack: Crap! (turns to face Will) Well, you are in front of my way out once more, but this time you don't have a sword, so HA!
Will: (grabs sword with red hot tip)
Jack: Ah… well, then.
Mule: Nyurrgh! (means: Oh, no! I'll walk, I'll walk, just don't hurt me!) (starts to walk once more)
(they fight some more. The huge gears turn and make their loud gear noise)
Swords: CLANG CLANG CLANG!
Sparks: (fly)
Jack: Who makes all these?
Swords: CLASH CLANG!
Will: I do! And I know how to use them, too! I work with them all the time!
Swords: CHING CHING CLANG!
Jack: You need to get a life. Or at least a girl. Or do you have a girl, but you need some way to show off for her? Say, have you been "fixed"? (looks down)
Will: I work with these swords a lot so that I can kick bad guy ass!
Swords: CLASH TING TANG HONK CLANG PANG!
Jack: Where the hell did that goose come from?!
(they end up in the roof . . . the big show offs. They fight up there for a bit, then come back down. Then Jack trips on the dead goose and drops his sword)
Jack: Crap!
Will: Ha!
Jack: (pulls on bag of sand)
Bag of sand: WHOOSH!
Sand: (flies at Will's face)
Will: Daaugh! (holds arm in front of face)
Jack: (pulls out gun)
Will: (looks up) No fair!
Jack: Well, I am a bad guy. What, did you think I would play by the rules?! (laughs)
Guards: (bang on door)
Door: Yeah. Sure. Just kick me right the fork down. I'm just a door. I don't mind. God, I hate my life.
Jack: Move it!
Will: No, I don't think I will…
Jack: Please?
Will: No.
Jack: With a small red fruit on top?
Will: NO, damn it!
Jack: (points gun at Will) Come on! This shot is not meant for you, all right?!
Glass of booze: CRASH! (hits Jack's head quite hard and breaks)
Brown: There was a bug. I got it, though. (burps)
Jack: Thud! (falls, out cold)
Butch: (breaks down door)
Door: Sigh…
Butch: Good job, Brown! You just saved the day!
Brown: I know it.
Will: I hate my life.
Door: You and me, both.
Butch: (points to Jack) Let's get this bitch in jail!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(in the jail)
Bad guys in cell: Here dog! Come here! See this nice big bone? (they shake the nice big bone through the bars) Why don't you come here? Come on . . . come on . . . damn it, come here, bitch!
Dog: (thinks: Those chumps just want the keys. Do they think I don't know that? I wish that they loved me for me. And I am a boy dog, damn it!)
Jack: I think it is a boy dog.
Bad guys: Shut up, dude! Just cuz we don't want to die . . .
Jack: (smiles) That made me smile and I don't know why.
(cut to Liz's room)
Maid: Here you go, miss. (puts warm pan thing in bed) You've had one hell of a day. I feel bad for you.
Liz: Yeah, Butch likes me! Does that not suck ass?!
Maid: Uh . . . I meant the part where that bad guy held the gun to your head.
Liz: Oh, right. That sucked as well.
Maid: But how 'bout that elf boy? Damn, is he fine!
Liz: (sits up straight, eyes turn red, smoke pours from nose) DON'T YOU DARE CRUSH ON MY MAN!!!!!!!
Maid: Eek! (flees room)
(cut to smith's)
Will: (tries to make steel flat with the cheese)
Cheese: SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SSSSSSSSSS (starts to smoke)
Will: (coughs) Why won't this work? I should take this cheese back to the shop - it sucks! (walks to hole in wall (there would be wood there if it were closed) and pokes head out)
Black cat: Flee! (runs down street)
Will: Weird. I did not know that cats could talk.
(cut to top of fort)
Swann: Sooooo… has Liz said 'yes' yet?
Butch: No. (sighs)
Swann: (pats arm of Butch) Don't be sad. She will. I'll force her if I have to!
Butch: Hey, yeah? (grins) Well, that's a load off of my mind! Thanks, man!
Swann: (shrugs) No big deal. I just want my girl to have a good life… and if that means that I have to map it all out for her and give her no choice at all, so be it! (laughs)
Butch: What a great dad you are!
Swann: Aw, go on… (waves hand)
Butch: No, I mean it! (there is a pause)
Swann: Some fog, huh?
Butch: You said it. (starts to smile) Man, if there was a big bad guy ship out in the bay right now with its big-ass guns aimed right at this fort, I sure as hell would not see it! (laughs)
Swann: (laughs) Yeah, same here! In fact (laughs more) I bet the mere thought that a big bad guy ship could be out in the bay with its big- ass guns aimed right at this fort would not so much as cross my mind till they shot at us!
(they both laugh quite hard, so hard that they can't stand up too well)
Black Pearl's big-ass guns: BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
Swann: Heh heh… (wipes tears) Did you hear that?
Butch: Aw, fork! Hit the deck! (knocks down Swann as fort gets hit) Shoot back at them!
(cut to jail)
Jack: I know those big-ass guns! (runs to look out of small barred hole in cell wall) It's the Black Pearl!
Bad guy: The Black Pearl?
Jack: (gives the bad guy a look) That would be what I just said, ass.
Bad guy: I've heard the tales, man. That ship sails from town to town and burns and takes stuff and kills ALL of the town's folk!
Jack: Well, if all of the town's folk are killed, where do the tales come from?
Bad guy: (thinks quite hard for a bit) Uh… hmm… good point. You are smart!
Jack: And you are not.
(cut to town. There is a big fight. Bad guys left and right. Cut to Will)
Will: (grabs sharp stuff with which to fight the bad guys)
(cut to top of fort)
Butch: Swann, go to my room and lock the door and bar the door and shove my desk in front of the door.
Swann: Aw, do I have to?
Butch: Yes! If you die, who will force Liz to say yes?
Swann: Good point. See ya! (runs off)
(cut to Will)
Some girl: Eek! (runs from bad guy)
Bad guy: Come on, I just want to talk! I swear I won't try to rape you! Aw, come back!
Will: (throws small axe)
Will's small axe: FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP THWACK!!!
Bad guy: Daauugh! (falls)
Will: Woo hoo! Ten points to me! (pulls axe out of bad guy's back and runs off to fight some more)
(cut to Swann's house)
Liz: (sees a bunch of bad guys run through the gate and head for the door) Oh, crap! (runs down the stairs)
Bad guys: (knock on door)
Dumb guy: (goes to get door)
Liz: (to dumb guy) No! Don't get the door!!!
Dumb guy: (gets the door)
Pint: Trick or treat!
Pint's gun: BANG!!
Dumb guy: THUD! (falls down dead)
Liz: Eek! (runs back up the stairs)
Bad guy: Get that girl!
Liz: (runs to her room, sees the maid. They lock the door, and a fat lot of good it will do them, the poor shmucks)
Maid: The bad guys are here to take you to their ship and hold you there in the hopes that your dad, who is way rich, will pay them tons of gold to get you back safe!
Liz: What?!
Maid: (sighs) The bad guys are here to take you to their ship and hold you there in the hopes that your dad, who is way rich, will pay them tons of gold to get you back safe.
Liz: Oh… well, crap!
Maid: Yeah, it sucks to be you. Well, I'm off to the fort! See ya… or not. (skips off to fort. None of the bad guys move to stop her)
Liz: No fair!!
(Pint and Rag burst in)
Liz: Eek! (hits Pint with warm pan thing)
Pint: Ow! (falls)
Rag: (grabs pole of warm bed thing) Got ya!
Liz: (pulls tab)
Red hot coals: (spill down on Rag's head)
Rag: Ow! Ow! Get it off me! (slaps at coals)
Liz: (runs and hides)
Pint: (gets up) (to Rag) Come on! We have to find her! (they burst through door to find her)
Door: Ow! Geez, we doors sure have it rough . . . I want a raise!
Pint: (sing-song tone) We know you're innnnn heeeeeere!
Rag: Hee hee, yes, we dooooooo!
Pint: Come out and I swear we won't hurt you . . . not! Ha ha! (pause) You can't hide from us, girl.
Liz: (thinks: just watch me!)
Pint: You have a gold coin thing, and it calls to us . . .
Rag: The gold calls to us . . .
Coin thing: ASH NAZG-
Liz: Hey! (grabs coin thing and shakes it) Stop that!
Pint: (looks through crack in door at Liz) Hi, there! (throws wide the doors)
Doors: Hey! That was just plain mean!
Liz: Please don't hurt me!
Rag: What?
Liz: That's right - I said please! The bad guy code, set down by bad guy Bart in years gone by, states that if I say 'please,' you have to do what I ask you to do!
Pint: I know the code, all right? I am a bad guy!
Liz: The code says that you have to do what I ask and you can't hurt me and stuff till I say 'thank you,' (they lunge at her, but she holds up her hand) and that time did not count! (they slump) So, I want you to please take me to your boss!
Rag: I say screw the code!
Pint: Shut up! She said 'please'! We will take her to see the Boss. We must keep to the code.
Rag: But I hate it and it is dumb and it makes no sense!
Pint: Well, we still have to keep to it!
Rag: Fork!
(they go down the stairs and to the door, which is shut. Pint turns the knob and pulls and tugs quite hard, but the door just stays shut)
Pint: Why the hell won't this door work?!
Door: I am on strike, that's why!
Pint: What?!
All the doors in the house: (chant) STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!
Rag: What do we do?
Door: (sings) We will fiiiiiiight for our riiiiiiiights . . .
Liz: Don't look at me!
Door: (still sings) . . . And there's noooooooo end in siiiiiiiiiight . . .
Rag: Well, don't look at me!
All the doors in the house: (sing) . . . WE ARE ALLLLLLLL SHUT REAL TIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!
Pint: Uh . . .
All the doors in the house: (still sing) AND FOR YOUUUUUUU THAT MUST BIIIIIIIIIIIITE!!!!
Pint: Well, fork this! (kicks down the front door)
Door: Damn it! I hate you! I hate you ALL!!
(cut to Will)
Grap: (holds sharp thing to Will's head) Say bye! (is hit by sign)
Will: Bye!
Pint: (with Rag and Liz) Come on, the ship is this way . . . or, wait . . . (frowns at street sign) Did we take a left on Main or . . . ? (trails off)
Liz: Will! Save me!!
Will: Liz! (sees bad guy he hit with his axe) Wait, I thought I got you! Does this mean I lose my ten points?!
Bad guy: Move it, jerk! (hits Will on head with some blunt thing)
Will: THUD! (faints)
Liz: Well, a fat lot of help you were! (is dragged off to ship)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The next scene: Liz has no luck on the Black Pearl
(in the jail)
Wall of cell next to Jack's: CRASH! (a big hole is formed)
Bad guy: (to Jack) Sucks to be you! (they climb out the hole and run off)
Jack: Darn it! (goes and picks up the bone) Come on dog! Come on! It's just you and me, and this nice big bone makes three!
Dog: (starts to inch towards Jack's cell) (thinks: this guy ain't so bad . . .)
Jack: (waves bone) That's it . . . come on, you big, fat, dumb dog . . .
Dog: (thinks: Hey! Oh, you bad guys are all the same!) (runs down the stairs with the keys)
Jack: No, come back, I did not mean it!
Dog: (thinks: Yes you did! No one loves me!) (breaks down in dog tears)
(there is a loud crash from up the stairs, and a dead guard falls down)
Twigg: (looks back and forth) Where are all the guns? Crap, this is the wrong room!
Bad Guy: Hey, Twigg, check it out! It's Jack! (points at Jack and laughs)
Twigg: Last time we saw you was when we left you on that wee spit of land with just a gun with one shot in it! And now here you are in jail! Sure sucks to be you! (laughs as well)
Jack: Laugh at me all you like, gents, but there are two seats in hell saved just for you, so there! (sticks out tounge)
Bad Guy: (grabs Jack's throat through the bars)
Jack: (sees that the bad guy's hand and arm are just bones where the light from the moon hits them) So there is a curse. That's gross.
Bad Guy: Don't talk to me 'bout hell, pal! (they leave)
Jack: That's way gross.
(cut to Liz)
Liz: (is rowed out to the Black Pearl. Climbs on board)
Bo: Why is she here?
Pint: She asked us to please take her to see the Boss.
Liz: I'm here to -
Bo's hand: WHACK! (hits Liz quite hard on the cheek)
Liz: Ow! You big fat jerk! What the fork was that for?!
Bo: You will speak when I tell you to!
The Boss: (grabs Bo's wrist) And you will not hit her like that! She said 'please,' you fool!
Bo: Oops. (hangs head in shame)
The Boss: (to Liz) It's all good now, Miss.
Liz: Boss, I want you to not sack and burn the town, if you don't mind.
The Boss: But I like to burn things! The small green man tells me to!
Liz: Fine! (walks to side of boat and holds coin thing out past the edge) I'll drop it!
The Boss: Don't you dare! I mean, uh . . . I have tons of gold stuff. Why should I care if you drop it?
Liz: But this is what you all want so darn bad! I know this ship; I saw it when I was a small girl!
The Boss: Did you now?
Liz: Fine, well, if you don't want it, why should I keep it? Say 'bye,' coin thing!
Coin thing: Don't let her do this to me!
Liz: (lets coin thing drop a bit)
Bad guys: No! (they all lunge for the coin thing)
Liz: (smirks)
The Boss: Ah. Heh heh. Do you have a name, Miss?
Liz: (thinks: they do not know that I am Swann's kid! Must tell lies to save self!) Liz . . . uh, but my last name is too long to say . . . you know how it is . . .
The Boss: Yeah . . .
Pint: Old Boot's last name was too long to say, too! You don't think . . .
The Boss: (to Pint) Shut up, fool! (to Liz) Are you the child of a man whose first name was Bill and whose last name was too long to say?
Liz: (eyes shift a bit) Uh . . . I'm not not the child of a man whose first name was Bill and whose last name was too long to say . . .
The Boss: Great! I mean, oh, you don't say. So, where, pray tell, did you get that coin thing? Did your dad give it to you, by chance?
Liz: Uh . . . (eyes shift a bit more) what dad?
The Boss: Oh! (eyes light up) Is your dad dead, then?
Liz: Erm . . . (eyes shift so much they look like two blurs) He's not not dead . . .
The Boss: Well, then, give me the coin thing and I swear we will leave right now and not come back.
Liz: Hey, yeah? (grins and hands him the coin thing) Well, thank you!
The Boss: (hands the coin thing to his small ape, who tries to eat it, then starts to stroll off)
Liz: Hey, we do have a deal, right? Right??
The Boss: (jerks his head at Bo)
Bo: Still the guns and stow them! It's time for us to clean up and go!
Bad guys: (sing the clean up song) Clean up, clean up . . .
Liz: Hey, wait! You have to take me to shore! The bad guy code says -
The Boss: First of all, you just said 'thank you,' so I don't have to do squat. AND, you have to be a bad guy for the bad guy code to hold true, and you are not. Third of all, the code is more of a rough guide than real rules. Looks like you sail with us, Miss Liz!
Liz: Crap!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene five: A big fight with swords at the Smith's!
Jack: (slips in door and sees Brown all passed out and stuff. Pokes him a few times to see if he will wake up)
Brown: Zzzzzz…
Jack: Whoa!
Brown: Zzzzz…
Jack: Wake up!
Brown: Zzzzz…
Jack: Fire!
Brown: Snort zzzzzzz…
Jack: Well, fine, then. Sleep all you want. (looks for a thing he can use to break the chain. Finds some cheese. Tries to break chain with cheese, which of course does not work) Crap! (sees huge gears. Thinks for a bit. Takes a red hot thing and pokes mule)
Mule: Yurrrggghhh!! (means: Ow! Fine, I'll walk! Sheesh, you could have just asked!) (starts to walk in a loop)
Gears: (turn and make a loud noise)
Jack: All right! (breaks chain on gears. Hears Will come in the door and hides)
Will: (to self in soft tone of voice) . . . I should have just clubbed her and dragged her back here by her hair . . . (sees gears turn when they should be still) Whoa! Calm down, mule! (hugs mule, who calms down. Sees Brown all passed out and stuff) Right where I left you, you big, fat ass.
Mule: Urgh! (means: Hey! Watch it, pal!)
Will: And Swann thinks that you made that sword… as if… (sees cheese) Hey! Who moved my cheese?! (sees Jack's hat) And whose hat is this? (moves to touch hat)
Jack's sword: Thwap! (hits Will's hand)
Jack: Don't get your good guy germs on my nice hat!
Will: You are that bad guy that the guards tried to shoot!
Jack: Yeah, their aim sucks. (looks hard at Will) Have we met?
Will: I make it a point to not hang out with bad guys.
Jack: Well, that's nice. Good for you. I'll just leave, then. (turns to leave, but Will pulls out his own sword) Are you nuts? I'll kick your ass, boy!
Will: You were mean to Miss Swann! Feel my wrath!
(they fight)
Swords: CLANG CLING CLASH CLANG!!!
Jack: Not bad, kid.
Will: And we keep time with the score!
Jack: Or does the score keep time with us?
Will: Who cares?
Swords: CLANG TING CLASH BANG!!!
Jack: Good form! What say you step that way? I swear I won't run for the door.
Will: Sure thing!
Swords: TING PING CLASH TANG!!!
Jack: Well, that was fun. See ya! (runs for the door)
Will: (throws sword)
Will's sword: WHOOSH THUD! Wum wum wum wum wum . . .
Door: OW! Geez, what the fork did I do to you, huh?!?!
Jack: (tugs hard on sword, but it will not come out, since it is too deep in the door)
Door: Just leave me to die.
Jack: Crap! (turns to face Will) Well, you are in front of my way out once more, but this time you don't have a sword, so HA!
Will: (grabs sword with red hot tip)
Jack: Ah… well, then.
Mule: Nyurrgh! (means: Oh, no! I'll walk, I'll walk, just don't hurt me!) (starts to walk once more)
(they fight some more. The huge gears turn and make their loud gear noise)
Swords: CLANG CLANG CLANG!
Sparks: (fly)
Jack: Who makes all these?
Swords: CLASH CLANG!
Will: I do! And I know how to use them, too! I work with them all the time!
Swords: CHING CHING CLANG!
Jack: You need to get a life. Or at least a girl. Or do you have a girl, but you need some way to show off for her? Say, have you been "fixed"? (looks down)
Will: I work with these swords a lot so that I can kick bad guy ass!
Swords: CLASH TING TANG HONK CLANG PANG!
Jack: Where the hell did that goose come from?!
(they end up in the roof . . . the big show offs. They fight up there for a bit, then come back down. Then Jack trips on the dead goose and drops his sword)
Jack: Crap!
Will: Ha!
Jack: (pulls on bag of sand)
Bag of sand: WHOOSH!
Sand: (flies at Will's face)
Will: Daaugh! (holds arm in front of face)
Jack: (pulls out gun)
Will: (looks up) No fair!
Jack: Well, I am a bad guy. What, did you think I would play by the rules?! (laughs)
Guards: (bang on door)
Door: Yeah. Sure. Just kick me right the fork down. I'm just a door. I don't mind. God, I hate my life.
Jack: Move it!
Will: No, I don't think I will…
Jack: Please?
Will: No.
Jack: With a small red fruit on top?
Will: NO, damn it!
Jack: (points gun at Will) Come on! This shot is not meant for you, all right?!
Glass of booze: CRASH! (hits Jack's head quite hard and breaks)
Brown: There was a bug. I got it, though. (burps)
Jack: Thud! (falls, out cold)
Butch: (breaks down door)
Door: Sigh…
Butch: Good job, Brown! You just saved the day!
Brown: I know it.
Will: I hate my life.
Door: You and me, both.
Butch: (points to Jack) Let's get this bitch in jail!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(in the jail)
Bad guys in cell: Here dog! Come here! See this nice big bone? (they shake the nice big bone through the bars) Why don't you come here? Come on . . . come on . . . damn it, come here, bitch!
Dog: (thinks: Those chumps just want the keys. Do they think I don't know that? I wish that they loved me for me. And I am a boy dog, damn it!)
Jack: I think it is a boy dog.
Bad guys: Shut up, dude! Just cuz we don't want to die . . .
Jack: (smiles) That made me smile and I don't know why.
(cut to Liz's room)
Maid: Here you go, miss. (puts warm pan thing in bed) You've had one hell of a day. I feel bad for you.
Liz: Yeah, Butch likes me! Does that not suck ass?!
Maid: Uh . . . I meant the part where that bad guy held the gun to your head.
Liz: Oh, right. That sucked as well.
Maid: But how 'bout that elf boy? Damn, is he fine!
Liz: (sits up straight, eyes turn red, smoke pours from nose) DON'T YOU DARE CRUSH ON MY MAN!!!!!!!
Maid: Eek! (flees room)
(cut to smith's)
Will: (tries to make steel flat with the cheese)
Cheese: SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SSSSSSSSSS (starts to smoke)
Will: (coughs) Why won't this work? I should take this cheese back to the shop - it sucks! (walks to hole in wall (there would be wood there if it were closed) and pokes head out)
Black cat: Flee! (runs down street)
Will: Weird. I did not know that cats could talk.
(cut to top of fort)
Swann: Sooooo… has Liz said 'yes' yet?
Butch: No. (sighs)
Swann: (pats arm of Butch) Don't be sad. She will. I'll force her if I have to!
Butch: Hey, yeah? (grins) Well, that's a load off of my mind! Thanks, man!
Swann: (shrugs) No big deal. I just want my girl to have a good life… and if that means that I have to map it all out for her and give her no choice at all, so be it! (laughs)
Butch: What a great dad you are!
Swann: Aw, go on… (waves hand)
Butch: No, I mean it! (there is a pause)
Swann: Some fog, huh?
Butch: You said it. (starts to smile) Man, if there was a big bad guy ship out in the bay right now with its big-ass guns aimed right at this fort, I sure as hell would not see it! (laughs)
Swann: (laughs) Yeah, same here! In fact (laughs more) I bet the mere thought that a big bad guy ship could be out in the bay with its big- ass guns aimed right at this fort would not so much as cross my mind till they shot at us!
(they both laugh quite hard, so hard that they can't stand up too well)
Black Pearl's big-ass guns: BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!
Swann: Heh heh… (wipes tears) Did you hear that?
Butch: Aw, fork! Hit the deck! (knocks down Swann as fort gets hit) Shoot back at them!
(cut to jail)
Jack: I know those big-ass guns! (runs to look out of small barred hole in cell wall) It's the Black Pearl!
Bad guy: The Black Pearl?
Jack: (gives the bad guy a look) That would be what I just said, ass.
Bad guy: I've heard the tales, man. That ship sails from town to town and burns and takes stuff and kills ALL of the town's folk!
Jack: Well, if all of the town's folk are killed, where do the tales come from?
Bad guy: (thinks quite hard for a bit) Uh… hmm… good point. You are smart!
Jack: And you are not.
(cut to town. There is a big fight. Bad guys left and right. Cut to Will)
Will: (grabs sharp stuff with which to fight the bad guys)
(cut to top of fort)
Butch: Swann, go to my room and lock the door and bar the door and shove my desk in front of the door.
Swann: Aw, do I have to?
Butch: Yes! If you die, who will force Liz to say yes?
Swann: Good point. See ya! (runs off)
(cut to Will)
Some girl: Eek! (runs from bad guy)
Bad guy: Come on, I just want to talk! I swear I won't try to rape you! Aw, come back!
Will: (throws small axe)
Will's small axe: FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP THWACK!!!
Bad guy: Daauugh! (falls)
Will: Woo hoo! Ten points to me! (pulls axe out of bad guy's back and runs off to fight some more)
(cut to Swann's house)
Liz: (sees a bunch of bad guys run through the gate and head for the door) Oh, crap! (runs down the stairs)
Bad guys: (knock on door)
Dumb guy: (goes to get door)
Liz: (to dumb guy) No! Don't get the door!!!
Dumb guy: (gets the door)
Pint: Trick or treat!
Pint's gun: BANG!!
Dumb guy: THUD! (falls down dead)
Liz: Eek! (runs back up the stairs)
Bad guy: Get that girl!
Liz: (runs to her room, sees the maid. They lock the door, and a fat lot of good it will do them, the poor shmucks)
Maid: The bad guys are here to take you to their ship and hold you there in the hopes that your dad, who is way rich, will pay them tons of gold to get you back safe!
Liz: What?!
Maid: (sighs) The bad guys are here to take you to their ship and hold you there in the hopes that your dad, who is way rich, will pay them tons of gold to get you back safe.
Liz: Oh… well, crap!
Maid: Yeah, it sucks to be you. Well, I'm off to the fort! See ya… or not. (skips off to fort. None of the bad guys move to stop her)
Liz: No fair!!
(Pint and Rag burst in)
Liz: Eek! (hits Pint with warm pan thing)
Pint: Ow! (falls)
Rag: (grabs pole of warm bed thing) Got ya!
Liz: (pulls tab)
Red hot coals: (spill down on Rag's head)
Rag: Ow! Ow! Get it off me! (slaps at coals)
Liz: (runs and hides)
Pint: (gets up) (to Rag) Come on! We have to find her! (they burst through door to find her)
Door: Ow! Geez, we doors sure have it rough . . . I want a raise!
Pint: (sing-song tone) We know you're innnnn heeeeeere!
Rag: Hee hee, yes, we dooooooo!
Pint: Come out and I swear we won't hurt you . . . not! Ha ha! (pause) You can't hide from us, girl.
Liz: (thinks: just watch me!)
Pint: You have a gold coin thing, and it calls to us . . .
Rag: The gold calls to us . . .
Coin thing: ASH NAZG-
Liz: Hey! (grabs coin thing and shakes it) Stop that!
Pint: (looks through crack in door at Liz) Hi, there! (throws wide the doors)
Doors: Hey! That was just plain mean!
Liz: Please don't hurt me!
Rag: What?
Liz: That's right - I said please! The bad guy code, set down by bad guy Bart in years gone by, states that if I say 'please,' you have to do what I ask you to do!
Pint: I know the code, all right? I am a bad guy!
Liz: The code says that you have to do what I ask and you can't hurt me and stuff till I say 'thank you,' (they lunge at her, but she holds up her hand) and that time did not count! (they slump) So, I want you to please take me to your boss!
Rag: I say screw the code!
Pint: Shut up! She said 'please'! We will take her to see the Boss. We must keep to the code.
Rag: But I hate it and it is dumb and it makes no sense!
Pint: Well, we still have to keep to it!
Rag: Fork!
(they go down the stairs and to the door, which is shut. Pint turns the knob and pulls and tugs quite hard, but the door just stays shut)
Pint: Why the hell won't this door work?!
Door: I am on strike, that's why!
Pint: What?!
All the doors in the house: (chant) STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!
Rag: What do we do?
Door: (sings) We will fiiiiiiight for our riiiiiiiights . . .
Liz: Don't look at me!
Door: (still sings) . . . And there's noooooooo end in siiiiiiiiiight . . .
Rag: Well, don't look at me!
All the doors in the house: (sing) . . . WE ARE ALLLLLLLL SHUT REAL TIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!
Pint: Uh . . .
All the doors in the house: (still sing) AND FOR YOUUUUUUU THAT MUST BIIIIIIIIIIIITE!!!!
Pint: Well, fork this! (kicks down the front door)
Door: Damn it! I hate you! I hate you ALL!!
(cut to Will)
Grap: (holds sharp thing to Will's head) Say bye! (is hit by sign)
Will: Bye!
Pint: (with Rag and Liz) Come on, the ship is this way . . . or, wait . . . (frowns at street sign) Did we take a left on Main or . . . ? (trails off)
Liz: Will! Save me!!
Will: Liz! (sees bad guy he hit with his axe) Wait, I thought I got you! Does this mean I lose my ten points?!
Bad guy: Move it, jerk! (hits Will on head with some blunt thing)
Will: THUD! (faints)
Liz: Well, a fat lot of help you were! (is dragged off to ship)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The next scene: Liz has no luck on the Black Pearl
(in the jail)
Wall of cell next to Jack's: CRASH! (a big hole is formed)
Bad guy: (to Jack) Sucks to be you! (they climb out the hole and run off)
Jack: Darn it! (goes and picks up the bone) Come on dog! Come on! It's just you and me, and this nice big bone makes three!
Dog: (starts to inch towards Jack's cell) (thinks: this guy ain't so bad . . .)
Jack: (waves bone) That's it . . . come on, you big, fat, dumb dog . . .
Dog: (thinks: Hey! Oh, you bad guys are all the same!) (runs down the stairs with the keys)
Jack: No, come back, I did not mean it!
Dog: (thinks: Yes you did! No one loves me!) (breaks down in dog tears)
(there is a loud crash from up the stairs, and a dead guard falls down)
Twigg: (looks back and forth) Where are all the guns? Crap, this is the wrong room!
Bad Guy: Hey, Twigg, check it out! It's Jack! (points at Jack and laughs)
Twigg: Last time we saw you was when we left you on that wee spit of land with just a gun with one shot in it! And now here you are in jail! Sure sucks to be you! (laughs as well)
Jack: Laugh at me all you like, gents, but there are two seats in hell saved just for you, so there! (sticks out tounge)
Bad Guy: (grabs Jack's throat through the bars)
Jack: (sees that the bad guy's hand and arm are just bones where the light from the moon hits them) So there is a curse. That's gross.
Bad Guy: Don't talk to me 'bout hell, pal! (they leave)
Jack: That's way gross.
(cut to Liz)
Liz: (is rowed out to the Black Pearl. Climbs on board)
Bo: Why is she here?
Pint: She asked us to please take her to see the Boss.
Liz: I'm here to -
Bo's hand: WHACK! (hits Liz quite hard on the cheek)
Liz: Ow! You big fat jerk! What the fork was that for?!
Bo: You will speak when I tell you to!
The Boss: (grabs Bo's wrist) And you will not hit her like that! She said 'please,' you fool!
Bo: Oops. (hangs head in shame)
The Boss: (to Liz) It's all good now, Miss.
Liz: Boss, I want you to not sack and burn the town, if you don't mind.
The Boss: But I like to burn things! The small green man tells me to!
Liz: Fine! (walks to side of boat and holds coin thing out past the edge) I'll drop it!
The Boss: Don't you dare! I mean, uh . . . I have tons of gold stuff. Why should I care if you drop it?
Liz: But this is what you all want so darn bad! I know this ship; I saw it when I was a small girl!
The Boss: Did you now?
Liz: Fine, well, if you don't want it, why should I keep it? Say 'bye,' coin thing!
Coin thing: Don't let her do this to me!
Liz: (lets coin thing drop a bit)
Bad guys: No! (they all lunge for the coin thing)
Liz: (smirks)
The Boss: Ah. Heh heh. Do you have a name, Miss?
Liz: (thinks: they do not know that I am Swann's kid! Must tell lies to save self!) Liz . . . uh, but my last name is too long to say . . . you know how it is . . .
The Boss: Yeah . . .
Pint: Old Boot's last name was too long to say, too! You don't think . . .
The Boss: (to Pint) Shut up, fool! (to Liz) Are you the child of a man whose first name was Bill and whose last name was too long to say?
Liz: (eyes shift a bit) Uh . . . I'm not not the child of a man whose first name was Bill and whose last name was too long to say . . .
The Boss: Great! I mean, oh, you don't say. So, where, pray tell, did you get that coin thing? Did your dad give it to you, by chance?
Liz: Uh . . . (eyes shift a bit more) what dad?
The Boss: Oh! (eyes light up) Is your dad dead, then?
Liz: Erm . . . (eyes shift so much they look like two blurs) He's not not dead . . .
The Boss: Well, then, give me the coin thing and I swear we will leave right now and not come back.
Liz: Hey, yeah? (grins and hands him the coin thing) Well, thank you!
The Boss: (hands the coin thing to his small ape, who tries to eat it, then starts to stroll off)
Liz: Hey, we do have a deal, right? Right??
The Boss: (jerks his head at Bo)
Bo: Still the guns and stow them! It's time for us to clean up and go!
Bad guys: (sing the clean up song) Clean up, clean up . . .
Liz: Hey, wait! You have to take me to shore! The bad guy code says -
The Boss: First of all, you just said 'thank you,' so I don't have to do squat. AND, you have to be a bad guy for the bad guy code to hold true, and you are not. Third of all, the code is more of a rough guide than real rules. Looks like you sail with us, Miss Liz!
Liz: Crap!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*