Bad Guys #1
Aug. 10th, 2004 10:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nobleplatypusI know I told people I would send this to them... but that seems dumb, because it's a huge document. So I'm posting it here. WOOT!
Bad Guys of That Warm Sea Place: the Curse of the Black Pearl!
Scene One: on a ship.
(there are some sparks, then there is fog, and the sea, and then there is a ship and a small girl)
Young Liz: (sings) Yo ho, yo ho, a bad guy's life for me. (sighs) I wish I could sing the whole song . . .
Gibbs: Shut up, kid! Bad guys sail here and burn stuff. And you are bad luck! Just thought you should know.
Butch: Don't tell her crap like that! Shoo!
Gibbs: I must go drink and sulk now.
Young Liz: I think bad guys rock, and I want to meet one, like, soooo bad!
Butch: No, you don't. Bad guys suck and they should all die.
Swann: Shut up, Butch. Keep it tame for the kid.
Butch: Oops. (slinks off)
Young Liz: I don't mind!
Swann: Well, you should.
Young Liz: Grr . . . (sees Will in sea) Dude, there's a dude down there!
Gibbs: (roars) Get that small child out of all that wet stuff!
Butch: Yeah! (looks at kid) Well, hey, he is not dead!
Gibbs: (sees ship in flames) Well, hell.
Swann: (sees ship, too) What the fork!
Butch: I think it blew up.
Gibbs: I think bad guys did it.
Swann: Right! (snorts) Let's see you prove it!
Gibbs: You want a piece of me?!
Swann: Bring it on, bitch!
Butch: No brawls on my watch!
Swann: Oh, fine. Liz, take care of that boy.
Young Liz: (nods) Sure thing! I think I'll just stroke his hair . . .
Young Will: GASP!
Young Liz: GASP!
Young Will: GASP!
Young Liz: GASP! (calms down) Don't be scared, dude. I'm Liz Swann.
Young Will: I'm Will, but my last name is too long to say . . . you know how it is . . .
Young Liz: Yeah . . . (long pause)
Young Will: Well, then. (faints)
Young Liz: I think I'll just frisk him now . . . (finds coin thing with skull on it and lots of small marks) Well, ship! You are a bad guy!
Butch: Hey, can that boy talk, or what?
Young Liz: (hides coin thing) He said that his first name is Will, but that is all he could say . . . you know how it is . . .
Butch: Yeah . . . (long pause) Well, take the kid down the stairs . . . you know (waves hand in vague way).
Young Liz: (looks at coin thing, looks up, sees big black bad guy ship with big black flag on it) GASP! (shuts eyes)
END DREAM
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene two: A dress and Will gets hot!
Liz: (wakes up) Well, that was odd . . . I used to have small, light brown dots on my nose but now they are all gone. (Gets coin thing from desk) I think I will put you on. (puts it on).
Swann: Liz! Do you have clothes on?
Liz: Yep! (hides coin thing)
Swann: (lets self in) Sheesh, are you still in bed? It's, like, noon. (pulls on large cloth things that are in front of the large glass things that most rooms have to let in light and let you see out… or, the drapes). It's a nice day. I got you a gift! (takes out nice dress). It's a nice dress.
Liz: Ooh! Yes it is!
Swann: Damn straight!
Liz: Wait . . . why did you buy me a nice dress?
Swann: I felt like it, of course!
Liz: (grins)
Swann: I lied. I just want you to look nice for Butch.
Liz: Damn it!
Swann: Soon to be Big Butch! He thinks you are hot, you know.
Liz: Ew! (gets laced up in old bad dress thing that girls used to have to wear all the time but don't now thank God). Ow! It is way hard to breathe in this thing.
Swann: Shut up; it is the cool, 'in' thing to wear, so you will wear it, by God!
Guy who serves Swanns: There is a way hot elf dude down there!
(cut to "down there")
Will: (breaks stuff)
Light thing: CLUNK!
Will: Crap! (hides light thing) No one will know . . .
Swann: Will! What's up?
Will: I have that sword you asked for. (takes sword out of case) This part is steel and this part is gold. Mind if I show off some?
Swann: Not at all.
Will: Check this out! (starts to show off)
Sword: WHOOSH WHOOSH FLIP FLIP FLIP SWOOSH!
Swann: Ooohhh!!!
Sword: FLIP SWISH FLIP SWISH WHOOSH!
Swann: Wow!
Will: Look, no hands!
Sword: SWOOSH FLIP HONK SWISH SWOOSH!
Swann: Neat!
Sword: FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP TWIRL SPIN FLIP! (stops)
Will: Here you go! (holds out sword)
Swann: Hot damn! (takes sword) That was way cool . . . but not the part where you killed the goose.
Will: Yeah, I can clean that up…
Swann: Big Butch will like this sword, though! Tell your boss he did a great job!
Will: Ouch. (looks crushed… not that Swann can tell)
Liz: (comes down stairs)
Swann: Liz! You look hot!
Liz: Dad, ew. (sees Will) Will! What's up? I had a dream with you in it!
Will: Did you, now? (thinks: Hot damn!)
Swann: Liz, don't be gross!
Liz: (rolls eyes) Geez, Dad, it's not like it was a sex dream! (to Will) It was on the day we met… you know.
Will: (looks crushed once more) Oh, yeah. I mean, that is neat, Miss Swann.
Liz: (shrugs) Yeah, I thought so. And call me Liz, will you?
Will: No.
Swann: Good boy! To call a girl by her first name is so rude, it is just not cool at all. Now come on, Liz, or we will be too late for Big Butch to see you in your nice new dress.
Liz: Well, bye, jerk! I would call you by your name, but it is too long for me to say, so jerk will just have to do.
Swann: I said come on! (they leave)
Will: Good day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Liz. (sighs and looks crushed some more)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene three: Jack is here! And Butch is gross.
(Jack is on a small boat. The boat sinks, but takes its time as it does so)
Jack: You know, the sea seems more high than it was . . . oh, fork! (jumps down and starts to bail out boat)
Boat: (sinks)
Jack: (climbs up on the mast, looks cool. Sees dead bad guys, takes off hat. Thinks: Sucks to be them!)
Boat: (still sinks, but just gets to port)
Jack: (steps off of mast and lands on the dock)
Dock boss guy: Hey! You can't park there for free! And what is your name?
Jack: I don't have a name; my folks did not give me one. Rub it in, why don't you?
Dock boss guy: Oh. Gosh, that is so sad. (sniffs, wipes tears)
Jack: Yep. Here is some gold. Now why don't you fork off?
Dock boss guy: (takes gold) Sure thing! Have a nice day here, Smith!
Jack: Thanks! (sees dock boss guy's purse, takes it)
(Cut to Butch at his big to do. He takes out his nice new sword, swings it a bit, and grins. No one is hurt . . . and no geese are killed this time! Cut back to Jack.)
Thin guard: (sees Jack) Dude! You can't come on this dock!
Jack: Why not?
Thin guard: You are not cool like us, that is why not!
Jack: I am so cool. But if I see some folks who are not cool, I will let you know. (he tries to walk past guards, but they stop him) Well, if you two are so cool, why aren't you up at the fort, eh? That is where all the cool folks but me are.
Thin guard: We have to stay up here and guard the dock and that ship. (points to small ship)
Jack: Yeah, well, where can the dock go? And it seems to me that a ship like that nice big one way the fork out there (points to nice big ship) makes this ship look like a piece of crap.
Thin guard: But this ship here is way fast!
Jack: Not as fast as the Black Pearl.
Fat guard: (laughs) The Black Pearl is not a real ship, you freak!
Thin guard: Dude, yes it is! I saw it this one time!
Fat guard: (snorts) At band camp?
Thin guard: No, last night!!
Fat guard: Weren't you drunk last night?
Thin guard: No! I will have you know that I was just fine!
Fat guard: Dude, you could not walk straight.
Jack: (slips past them while they fight)
Thin guard: I could so!
Fat guard: Could not!
Thin guard: Could so!
Fat guard: COULD NOT!
Thin guard: COULD SO! (sees Jack on small ship) Hey! Dude! No! Bad touch!
Fat guard: Get off of that ship! (they run to the ship)
Jack: I just can't help it, this boat is so darn cute . . . this ship, I mean.
Thin guard: Who are you?
Jack: My name is Smith.
Fat guard: Why are you here?
Jack: Why am I here? That is so deep. Why are we all here? (looks full of deep thoughts)
Fat guard: No, why are you here?
Thin guard: And no lies!
Jack: Oh, fine. (rolls eyes) I want to steal one of these ships, get a crew, sail here and there, burn stuff, and have a darn good time while I do.
Thin guard: Dude, I said no lies!
Fat guard: Dude, I think that was the truth.
Thin guard: If that were the truth, he would not say it, you dope!
Jack: He would if he knew how thick you two were.
(cut to top of fort)
Butch: Liz, can we talk? You look hot, by the way.
Liz: (pants, gasps, fans self, leans on wall, looks like she could pass out soon)
Butch: I hope this does not come out all rude, but… I want to make sweet love to you from dawn to dusk and then some.
Liz: I can't breathe! And you are gross! (half falls, half jumps off of fort)
Butch: Yeah, I know what you mean… wait, did you just say I was gross? (turns) Liz?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene four: Jack saves Liz and then runs for it!
(on the boat with the guards)
Jack: … and then they made me their chief.
(Cut to Butch)
Butch: Liz! Crap! (acts like he wants to jump in, too)
Gill: No, dude, you will go SPLAT on the rocks!
Butch: But Liz did not go SPLAT on the rocks! She went SPLASH in the sea!
Gill: Yeah… (shakes head) weird…
(Cut back to Jack and the two guards)
Jack: (to fat guard) So . . . will you save her, then?
Fat guard: Nope.
Thin guard: Not it!
Jack: Ugh. (shakes head) You want a job done right . . . (takes off guns and boots and hands them to guards) Hold my stuff for me. Lose it and die. (jumps in to save Liz)
(cut to in the sea)
Coin thing: COME AND GET ME, BAD GUYS!
Sea: FOOM!
(cut back to boat)
Wind: Whoops, have to let the cat out! (turns)
Thin guard: What the fork was that?
Fat guard: The… wind?
(cut back to sea)
Jack: Glub! (takes off Liz's skirt and then hauls her up to the dock)
Thin guard: I got her! But I think she is dead. Ew! (drops Liz on dock and scrubs hands
on coat) I touched a dead girl! Bleh!
Jack: Oh, shut up! (rips off old bad dress thing and hands it to thin guard)
Liz: HACK! (starts to cough up wet stuff)
Fat guard: Oh, that makes sense. Dude, you are smart!
Jack: And you are not. (sees coin thing, looks at Liz) Where did you get that?
Butch: (points nice new sword at Jack's neck) What's this, a bad guy caught off his guard? (laughs, then stops and looks mad) Get up! And don't touch what's mine!
Swann: (helps Liz up) Liz! Are you all right?
Liz: I am just fine.
Swann: (looks at thin guard, who points at Jack. Then looks at Jack) How dare you save my child? (to guards) Shoot him! Shoot that bitch till he is DEAD!!
Liz: Dad! Butch, don't kill him; he saved my life!
Butch: Oh, fine. (to Jack) Let me shake your hand. (Jack shakes, Butch grabs his arm and rolls up his sleeve) Ha! I knew it! 'B' for bad guy!
Swann: Hang him! Hang that bitch till he is DEAD!
Liz: Dad!
Butch: Keep your guns on him, men. Gill, go get some chains! (looks at Jack's arm some more) Hmm, a bird. You must be Jack!
Jack: Jack the Great, if you please, sir. Or Jack the Bold. Pick one. (shrugs)
Butch: Where is your boat, Jack the Bold?
Jack: What's wrong with Jack the Great?
Butch: Just tell me where your boat is!
Jack: (sighs) I don't have a boat. My folks did not give me one. Rub it in, why don't you?
Guards: Oh. Gosh, that is so sad . . . (wipe tears, sniff)
Thin guard: He said he would steal a ship.
Fat guard: I told you it was the truth! Here is all of his stuff. (hands Butch all of Jack's stuff)
Jack: (slumps) Aw, dude . . . I thought we were friends.
Fat guard: Mum says I can't be friends with bad guys. (shrugs)
Jack: Do you do what Mum tells you all the time? (smirks)
Fat guard: Shut up!
Jack: Mum's boy! Mum's boy!
Fat guard: I said shut up! (pokes Jack with gun)
Jack: Watch it, punk.
Butch: (looks at all of Jack's stuff) Well, your stuff sucks, Jack. In fact, you suck, Jack. You have to be the worst bad guy I have heard of in my whole life!
Jack: But you have heard of me! (is put in chains)
Liz: Butch, you suck!
Butch: Make those chains nice and tight, now . . . heh heh heh!
Liz: He saved my life! Who cares if he is a bad guy?!
Butch: I care. And he just saved your life once, for Pete's sake. He is still a bad guy, and bad guys suck and they should all die. I think we've been through this.
Jack: This is what I get for my good deed…
Butch: Yep! God, I love my job!
Jack: Well, I think this would be a good time for me to leave. (throws chains 'round Liz's neck)
Guards: What the fork!
Jack: This just proves that you don't know Jack . . . heh heh heh!
Swann: No! Don't shoot!
Jack: That's more like it! Now, I want all of my stuff back. And my hat! Come on, Butch, hop to it! Now, Liz… can I call you Liz?
Liz: No! (thinks: Why is it that this jerk that I do not know will call me Liz but my good friend Will of eight years won't? Sheesh…) It's Miss Swann!
Jack: Miss Swann, if you would be so kind… (Liz takes Jack's stuff) Now, if you will be more kind… (Liz puts on Jack's sword and hat) Now, if you will be more kind…
(winks)
Liz: I hate you.
Jack: Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you saved my life, we are square. See ya! (shoves Liz at the guards and runs for it)
Swann: Now will you shoot his ass down?!?!
Butch: Fire!
Guns: BANG BLAM BANG!
Guards: (trip) Oof!
Jack: Still not dead! (swings on rope) Wheeeee! Ha ha ha! You guys all suck ass! (runs off)
Butch: Catch him! He needs to be hung at dawn and if he is not I will be in one hell of a bad mood for the rest of the week, at least!
Guards: Find him! Quick!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bad Guys of That Warm Sea Place: the Curse of the Black Pearl!
Scene One: on a ship.
(there are some sparks, then there is fog, and the sea, and then there is a ship and a small girl)
Young Liz: (sings) Yo ho, yo ho, a bad guy's life for me. (sighs) I wish I could sing the whole song . . .
Gibbs: Shut up, kid! Bad guys sail here and burn stuff. And you are bad luck! Just thought you should know.
Butch: Don't tell her crap like that! Shoo!
Gibbs: I must go drink and sulk now.
Young Liz: I think bad guys rock, and I want to meet one, like, soooo bad!
Butch: No, you don't. Bad guys suck and they should all die.
Swann: Shut up, Butch. Keep it tame for the kid.
Butch: Oops. (slinks off)
Young Liz: I don't mind!
Swann: Well, you should.
Young Liz: Grr . . . (sees Will in sea) Dude, there's a dude down there!
Gibbs: (roars) Get that small child out of all that wet stuff!
Butch: Yeah! (looks at kid) Well, hey, he is not dead!
Gibbs: (sees ship in flames) Well, hell.
Swann: (sees ship, too) What the fork!
Butch: I think it blew up.
Gibbs: I think bad guys did it.
Swann: Right! (snorts) Let's see you prove it!
Gibbs: You want a piece of me?!
Swann: Bring it on, bitch!
Butch: No brawls on my watch!
Swann: Oh, fine. Liz, take care of that boy.
Young Liz: (nods) Sure thing! I think I'll just stroke his hair . . .
Young Will: GASP!
Young Liz: GASP!
Young Will: GASP!
Young Liz: GASP! (calms down) Don't be scared, dude. I'm Liz Swann.
Young Will: I'm Will, but my last name is too long to say . . . you know how it is . . .
Young Liz: Yeah . . . (long pause)
Young Will: Well, then. (faints)
Young Liz: I think I'll just frisk him now . . . (finds coin thing with skull on it and lots of small marks) Well, ship! You are a bad guy!
Butch: Hey, can that boy talk, or what?
Young Liz: (hides coin thing) He said that his first name is Will, but that is all he could say . . . you know how it is . . .
Butch: Yeah . . . (long pause) Well, take the kid down the stairs . . . you know (waves hand in vague way).
Young Liz: (looks at coin thing, looks up, sees big black bad guy ship with big black flag on it) GASP! (shuts eyes)
END DREAM
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene two: A dress and Will gets hot!
Liz: (wakes up) Well, that was odd . . . I used to have small, light brown dots on my nose but now they are all gone. (Gets coin thing from desk) I think I will put you on. (puts it on).
Swann: Liz! Do you have clothes on?
Liz: Yep! (hides coin thing)
Swann: (lets self in) Sheesh, are you still in bed? It's, like, noon. (pulls on large cloth things that are in front of the large glass things that most rooms have to let in light and let you see out… or, the drapes). It's a nice day. I got you a gift! (takes out nice dress). It's a nice dress.
Liz: Ooh! Yes it is!
Swann: Damn straight!
Liz: Wait . . . why did you buy me a nice dress?
Swann: I felt like it, of course!
Liz: (grins)
Swann: I lied. I just want you to look nice for Butch.
Liz: Damn it!
Swann: Soon to be Big Butch! He thinks you are hot, you know.
Liz: Ew! (gets laced up in old bad dress thing that girls used to have to wear all the time but don't now thank God). Ow! It is way hard to breathe in this thing.
Swann: Shut up; it is the cool, 'in' thing to wear, so you will wear it, by God!
Guy who serves Swanns: There is a way hot elf dude down there!
(cut to "down there")
Will: (breaks stuff)
Light thing: CLUNK!
Will: Crap! (hides light thing) No one will know . . .
Swann: Will! What's up?
Will: I have that sword you asked for. (takes sword out of case) This part is steel and this part is gold. Mind if I show off some?
Swann: Not at all.
Will: Check this out! (starts to show off)
Sword: WHOOSH WHOOSH FLIP FLIP FLIP SWOOSH!
Swann: Ooohhh!!!
Sword: FLIP SWISH FLIP SWISH WHOOSH!
Swann: Wow!
Will: Look, no hands!
Sword: SWOOSH FLIP HONK SWISH SWOOSH!
Swann: Neat!
Sword: FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP TWIRL SPIN FLIP! (stops)
Will: Here you go! (holds out sword)
Swann: Hot damn! (takes sword) That was way cool . . . but not the part where you killed the goose.
Will: Yeah, I can clean that up…
Swann: Big Butch will like this sword, though! Tell your boss he did a great job!
Will: Ouch. (looks crushed… not that Swann can tell)
Liz: (comes down stairs)
Swann: Liz! You look hot!
Liz: Dad, ew. (sees Will) Will! What's up? I had a dream with you in it!
Will: Did you, now? (thinks: Hot damn!)
Swann: Liz, don't be gross!
Liz: (rolls eyes) Geez, Dad, it's not like it was a sex dream! (to Will) It was on the day we met… you know.
Will: (looks crushed once more) Oh, yeah. I mean, that is neat, Miss Swann.
Liz: (shrugs) Yeah, I thought so. And call me Liz, will you?
Will: No.
Swann: Good boy! To call a girl by her first name is so rude, it is just not cool at all. Now come on, Liz, or we will be too late for Big Butch to see you in your nice new dress.
Liz: Well, bye, jerk! I would call you by your name, but it is too long for me to say, so jerk will just have to do.
Swann: I said come on! (they leave)
Will: Good day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Liz. (sighs and looks crushed some more)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene three: Jack is here! And Butch is gross.
(Jack is on a small boat. The boat sinks, but takes its time as it does so)
Jack: You know, the sea seems more high than it was . . . oh, fork! (jumps down and starts to bail out boat)
Boat: (sinks)
Jack: (climbs up on the mast, looks cool. Sees dead bad guys, takes off hat. Thinks: Sucks to be them!)
Boat: (still sinks, but just gets to port)
Jack: (steps off of mast and lands on the dock)
Dock boss guy: Hey! You can't park there for free! And what is your name?
Jack: I don't have a name; my folks did not give me one. Rub it in, why don't you?
Dock boss guy: Oh. Gosh, that is so sad. (sniffs, wipes tears)
Jack: Yep. Here is some gold. Now why don't you fork off?
Dock boss guy: (takes gold) Sure thing! Have a nice day here, Smith!
Jack: Thanks! (sees dock boss guy's purse, takes it)
(Cut to Butch at his big to do. He takes out his nice new sword, swings it a bit, and grins. No one is hurt . . . and no geese are killed this time! Cut back to Jack.)
Thin guard: (sees Jack) Dude! You can't come on this dock!
Jack: Why not?
Thin guard: You are not cool like us, that is why not!
Jack: I am so cool. But if I see some folks who are not cool, I will let you know. (he tries to walk past guards, but they stop him) Well, if you two are so cool, why aren't you up at the fort, eh? That is where all the cool folks but me are.
Thin guard: We have to stay up here and guard the dock and that ship. (points to small ship)
Jack: Yeah, well, where can the dock go? And it seems to me that a ship like that nice big one way the fork out there (points to nice big ship) makes this ship look like a piece of crap.
Thin guard: But this ship here is way fast!
Jack: Not as fast as the Black Pearl.
Fat guard: (laughs) The Black Pearl is not a real ship, you freak!
Thin guard: Dude, yes it is! I saw it this one time!
Fat guard: (snorts) At band camp?
Thin guard: No, last night!!
Fat guard: Weren't you drunk last night?
Thin guard: No! I will have you know that I was just fine!
Fat guard: Dude, you could not walk straight.
Jack: (slips past them while they fight)
Thin guard: I could so!
Fat guard: Could not!
Thin guard: Could so!
Fat guard: COULD NOT!
Thin guard: COULD SO! (sees Jack on small ship) Hey! Dude! No! Bad touch!
Fat guard: Get off of that ship! (they run to the ship)
Jack: I just can't help it, this boat is so darn cute . . . this ship, I mean.
Thin guard: Who are you?
Jack: My name is Smith.
Fat guard: Why are you here?
Jack: Why am I here? That is so deep. Why are we all here? (looks full of deep thoughts)
Fat guard: No, why are you here?
Thin guard: And no lies!
Jack: Oh, fine. (rolls eyes) I want to steal one of these ships, get a crew, sail here and there, burn stuff, and have a darn good time while I do.
Thin guard: Dude, I said no lies!
Fat guard: Dude, I think that was the truth.
Thin guard: If that were the truth, he would not say it, you dope!
Jack: He would if he knew how thick you two were.
(cut to top of fort)
Butch: Liz, can we talk? You look hot, by the way.
Liz: (pants, gasps, fans self, leans on wall, looks like she could pass out soon)
Butch: I hope this does not come out all rude, but… I want to make sweet love to you from dawn to dusk and then some.
Liz: I can't breathe! And you are gross! (half falls, half jumps off of fort)
Butch: Yeah, I know what you mean… wait, did you just say I was gross? (turns) Liz?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Scene four: Jack saves Liz and then runs for it!
(on the boat with the guards)
Jack: … and then they made me their chief.
(Cut to Butch)
Butch: Liz! Crap! (acts like he wants to jump in, too)
Gill: No, dude, you will go SPLAT on the rocks!
Butch: But Liz did not go SPLAT on the rocks! She went SPLASH in the sea!
Gill: Yeah… (shakes head) weird…
(Cut back to Jack and the two guards)
Jack: (to fat guard) So . . . will you save her, then?
Fat guard: Nope.
Thin guard: Not it!
Jack: Ugh. (shakes head) You want a job done right . . . (takes off guns and boots and hands them to guards) Hold my stuff for me. Lose it and die. (jumps in to save Liz)
(cut to in the sea)
Coin thing: COME AND GET ME, BAD GUYS!
Sea: FOOM!
(cut back to boat)
Wind: Whoops, have to let the cat out! (turns)
Thin guard: What the fork was that?
Fat guard: The… wind?
(cut back to sea)
Jack: Glub! (takes off Liz's skirt and then hauls her up to the dock)
Thin guard: I got her! But I think she is dead. Ew! (drops Liz on dock and scrubs hands
on coat) I touched a dead girl! Bleh!
Jack: Oh, shut up! (rips off old bad dress thing and hands it to thin guard)
Liz: HACK! (starts to cough up wet stuff)
Fat guard: Oh, that makes sense. Dude, you are smart!
Jack: And you are not. (sees coin thing, looks at Liz) Where did you get that?
Butch: (points nice new sword at Jack's neck) What's this, a bad guy caught off his guard? (laughs, then stops and looks mad) Get up! And don't touch what's mine!
Swann: (helps Liz up) Liz! Are you all right?
Liz: I am just fine.
Swann: (looks at thin guard, who points at Jack. Then looks at Jack) How dare you save my child? (to guards) Shoot him! Shoot that bitch till he is DEAD!!
Liz: Dad! Butch, don't kill him; he saved my life!
Butch: Oh, fine. (to Jack) Let me shake your hand. (Jack shakes, Butch grabs his arm and rolls up his sleeve) Ha! I knew it! 'B' for bad guy!
Swann: Hang him! Hang that bitch till he is DEAD!
Liz: Dad!
Butch: Keep your guns on him, men. Gill, go get some chains! (looks at Jack's arm some more) Hmm, a bird. You must be Jack!
Jack: Jack the Great, if you please, sir. Or Jack the Bold. Pick one. (shrugs)
Butch: Where is your boat, Jack the Bold?
Jack: What's wrong with Jack the Great?
Butch: Just tell me where your boat is!
Jack: (sighs) I don't have a boat. My folks did not give me one. Rub it in, why don't you?
Guards: Oh. Gosh, that is so sad . . . (wipe tears, sniff)
Thin guard: He said he would steal a ship.
Fat guard: I told you it was the truth! Here is all of his stuff. (hands Butch all of Jack's stuff)
Jack: (slumps) Aw, dude . . . I thought we were friends.
Fat guard: Mum says I can't be friends with bad guys. (shrugs)
Jack: Do you do what Mum tells you all the time? (smirks)
Fat guard: Shut up!
Jack: Mum's boy! Mum's boy!
Fat guard: I said shut up! (pokes Jack with gun)
Jack: Watch it, punk.
Butch: (looks at all of Jack's stuff) Well, your stuff sucks, Jack. In fact, you suck, Jack. You have to be the worst bad guy I have heard of in my whole life!
Jack: But you have heard of me! (is put in chains)
Liz: Butch, you suck!
Butch: Make those chains nice and tight, now . . . heh heh heh!
Liz: He saved my life! Who cares if he is a bad guy?!
Butch: I care. And he just saved your life once, for Pete's sake. He is still a bad guy, and bad guys suck and they should all die. I think we've been through this.
Jack: This is what I get for my good deed…
Butch: Yep! God, I love my job!
Jack: Well, I think this would be a good time for me to leave. (throws chains 'round Liz's neck)
Guards: What the fork!
Jack: This just proves that you don't know Jack . . . heh heh heh!
Swann: No! Don't shoot!
Jack: That's more like it! Now, I want all of my stuff back. And my hat! Come on, Butch, hop to it! Now, Liz… can I call you Liz?
Liz: No! (thinks: Why is it that this jerk that I do not know will call me Liz but my good friend Will of eight years won't? Sheesh…) It's Miss Swann!
Jack: Miss Swann, if you would be so kind… (Liz takes Jack's stuff) Now, if you will be more kind… (Liz puts on Jack's sword and hat) Now, if you will be more kind…
(winks)
Liz: I hate you.
Jack: Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you saved my life, we are square. See ya! (shoves Liz at the guards and runs for it)
Swann: Now will you shoot his ass down?!?!
Butch: Fire!
Guns: BANG BLAM BANG!
Guards: (trip) Oof!
Jack: Still not dead! (swings on rope) Wheeeee! Ha ha ha! You guys all suck ass! (runs off)
Butch: Catch him! He needs to be hung at dawn and if he is not I will be in one hell of a bad mood for the rest of the week, at least!
Guards: Find him! Quick!
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