Lost recap the Second
Oct. 19th, 2006 05:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nobleplatypusYou know, I've never lost my voice before. BUT THERE'S A FIRST FUCKING TIME FOR EVERYTHING, IT SEEMS.
Anyway. Onto the recap, which is going to be a hell of a lot shorter than the last one because I'm lazy, and only took notes instead of taping the show.
Previously on Lost: the hatch blew up, and there was much rejoicing.
Locke wakes up in the jungle. He's lying on his back and looking confused as hell, and it's pretty much exactly like the opening shot of Jack in the Pilot. Locke hears mysterious rustling, just like Jack did in the Pilot. Locke turns to look, just like Jack did in the Pilot. Locke sees a naked Desmond, which would be just like Jack did in the Pilot, had the Pilot been written by me. "Okay, we're about fifteen seconds into it... you know what this show needs? A naked Scot!"
Locke tries to call out to Desmond, but he can't speak (my original impression was that Locke had just thought better of it, because if I saw a naked man while I was lying prone in the jungle, I sure as hell wouldn't want to draw attention to myself). He can, however, walk. He stands up, and Eko's Jesus Stick falls out of a tree and just about brains him. Back to the beach he goes.
Charlie and Claire note Locke's return. Actually, it's mostly Claire who does the noting; Charlie couldn't care less. It's pretty clear that Claire is wearing the pants in this relationship: "Hey, there's Locke. What happened to him? When did he get back? Is he okay? What's going on? Why is he dismantling his shelter? Don't you think you should go find all this stuff out for me, Charlie?" So Charlie does. [insert whip-cracking sound effect here]
Charlie asks Locke what he's doing, and Locke explains, through a series of vague but insistent arm motions, that the sea witch stole his voice in exchange for a pair of legs, and if he doesn't get Prince Jack to kiss him by sunset on the third day, he'll turn back into a merman and become the sea witch's prisoner for all of eternity. Either that, or he needs to talk to the island. I suck at charades.
Charlie leaves Locke to his own devices, but Locke comes back with a notepad and pen. He tells Charlie that he needs his help. He writes very big, which irks me because it's a waste of paper and last I checked, it's only food that's getting regularly dropped, not office supplies. Charlie's like, "Yeah, remember the time you beat the crap out of me on the beach? I do. Sod off." But Locke is insistent. He needs Charlie to "stand guard." Charlie agrees, probably because he just likes being able to heckle Locke mercilessly while Locke can't respond.
Flashback. Locke has hair, and a truck, and he picks up a hitchhiker named Eddie who is totally poor man's Billy Boyd. They're heading for Eureka--I smell a crossover! They get pulled over almost immediately by a cop, who informs Locke that his taillight is out, and I guess a busted taillight is a serious offense that requires both of them getting out of the vehicle. Cop wants to see what Locke has in the back, so Locke shows him an assortment of guns. The cop is like, "..." But Locke says, "I've got papers for them right here, in this red binder," and I guess it checks out or something. Personally, if I was a cop and I pulled over a guy who had eighty guns in his trunk, I wouldn't care if the guy had papers. I'd be like, "You're under arrest for creeping me right out." But this cop just says, "Well, you may have papers for your eighty guns, but do you have papers for that hitchiker you just picked up?" Eddie quickly chimes in, "He's my uncle!" Cop can't beat that. They drive off.
Flashforward. Locke builds a little hovel thing and starts mixing up some of his famous whacky paste. Turns out the hovel is a sweat lodge. I'm not entirely sure why a sweat lodge is necessary on a TROPICAL ISLAND, but what do I know? Locke goes in, giving Charlie strict orders to stand guard but not enter the holy island shrine, and starts trippin'.
And he sees Boone, who has nice hair in the afterlife. Locke tries to talk to Boone, but can't. "You'll speak when you have something worth saying," Boone assures him. Man, if only EVERYONE on the island could suffer that affliction; we could wrap this show up by sweeps. Locke has lost the use of his legs again (Boone seems to have that effect), so he climbs into his wheelchair and Boone pushes him into a whacky-paste-induced vision of an airport in which everyone is all clean and made-up and stylish. So Boone's all, "Someone here is in need of your help... but who could it be?" We find out that Sayid's got Jin and Sun taken care of, Charlie and Claire and Baby are "all right... for now," and Kate, Sawyer, and Jack are beyond Locke's reach for the moment. Which pretty much leaves the tailies, only the writers conveniently killed all but two of them off, so gee, it must be Eko.
Locke wakes up, exits the sweat hovel, and tells Charlie he has to "save Eko's life." Out loud. He can talk now.
Locke and Charlie tromp through the jungle. Locke repeatedly tries to order Charlie to go back to his woman, because he shouldn't be hanging out with Locke because Locke is a toxic friend, but Charlie is stubborn and wants to continue the hike. They find Eko's cross, and Locke deduces that a polar bear has dragged the man off. This would be about when I'd throw in the towel, but Locke and Charlie continue.
And flashback. Locke and Eddie arrive at Locke's little commune where there is another sweat lodge, coincidentally. They have a picnic, and everyone is very nice and welcoming of Eddie. It's almost creepy, actually.
Flashforward. Where the hatch used to be, there is now a big PIT and I laughed and laughed. I'm still not entirely sure how an implosion caused the hatch door to go flying all the way to the beach, but it's not like this show is particularly scrupulous when it comes to little details like how far one place is from another or how a racing yacht anchored just offshore managed to escape everyone's notice for two whole years or what an implosion technically entails. They find a dead boar, which is an "active kill," which means the bear will be coming back for it. If the bear had a boar, why did it bother with Eko? Anyway. They hear rustling in the bushes. Locke throws his knife and kills Hurley's canteen.
Hurley gives them the low down on what happened during his ill-fated hike. Charlie's like, "Hey, we're on an ill-fated hike, too!" Hurley says, "Thanks, but I'll pass," and scrambles for the beach.
Polar bears are the Einsteins of the bear community. And they shed.
Flashback. Eddie has obviously been watching the show, as he launches right into a conversation about daddy issues. They see someone hauling fertilizer into the greenhouse, so it's either marijuana or explosives. Eddie wants in on the bomb, and Locke laughs. Marijuana, then. Either way, Eddie doesn't get to see it.
Flashforward to a cave of doom. Locke makes Charlie stand guard again, then enters the cave.
Hurley is walking back to the beach when he hears rustling in the bushes. "Bear... is that you?" Hee! It turns out it's naked Desmond. Hurley is disturbed and gives Desmond one of his enormous shirts.
Back to Locke. He's armed with a torch and hairspray, which cracks me up. Locke, you pyro. After stepping on a twisted tonka truck (my little brother totally had one of those), he finds Eko all bleeding and dazed. A tug-of-war ensues between Locke and the bear, and Locke uses his improvised flamethrower to chase the bear off. Between them, Charlie and Locke haul the semiconscious Eko away.
And somewhere in the cave scene there was a flashback in which we found out that it IS weed in the greenhouse, and that Eddie is in fact an undercover cop, oh dear. Locke insists that he can "fix this," which I thought was one of Jack's issues.
Back to Hurley and Desmond. I can't really remember what exactly happened, but here's what I wrote in my notes: "Hurley rocks. Failsafe 'convenient.' Desmond is all, 'Locke's going after them--he said so in his speech.' What? Mind-reading? Whacky paste?" Take from that what you will.
Flashback. Locke takes Eddie deer hunting, but it quickly turns into Eddie hunting. Locke has Eddie at gunpoint, and there's not much Eddie can do because Locke didn't load his (Eddie's) gun. Locke asks Eddie if he (Locke) was chosen as Eddie's ticket in because he's such a pushover, and Eddie's like, "Yup." So Locke's like, "I'm going to shoot you." So Eddie falls back on the whole, "I know you, Locke. You're not a killer, so you won't kill me" thing. Yeah, Colleen tried that, didn't work. But it works on Locke, who doesn't fire because he's distracted by the DRAMATIC CRESCENDO.
Flashforward. The three hikers take a break. They can hear a stream, so Charlie goes to get water (side note: I want to see an episode where someone gets seriously ill from drinking this water without boiling it first. I watch Survivorman; that shit's full of bacteria that will seriously fork you up). Since they're alone, Locke takes the opportunity to spill his soul to unconscious!Eko, going on about how he could have saved Jack, Kate, and Sawyer if he had just let Eko push the button, wah, wah. Eko is like, "You can still save them," and at that point Charlie comes back and we see that Eko is out cold again, so it might have just been a residual effect of the whacky paste.
They make it back to camp, where Locke makes a big speech about how he's going to save the world. In the process, he reveals that Jack and Kate and Sawyer have been kidnapped, and two "red shirts" (who will eventually become secondary characters, but are only given one line each this time so we can all pretend they've been slowly and cleverly intigrated into the inner island circle and not just dropped in out of nowhere) scold Hurley for not telling them this immediately. "Why didn't you tell us this, Hurley?!" Shut up, bitch; I already don't like you. Firstly, you're supposed to be a real actress, but you deliver this line more melodramatically than the actual extras do when they're thrown a line. And secondly, if you've been on this island the whole time, then you already know that no one says anything of any value unless they're being tortured, and half the time even torturing doesn't work. If you want to know what's what, you're going to have to be more proactive. Or you could shut up. Or both. Bitch.
Anyway. Hurley gives Locke a bit of a funny look, then looks at Desmond, who is still dressed in just Hurley's shirt and hurling rocks into the ocean. Hurley gets severe deja-vu from this. Was Desmond in the hospital, too?
Next week, on Lost: I don't know. We changed the channel.
Anyway. Onto the recap, which is going to be a hell of a lot shorter than the last one because I'm lazy, and only took notes instead of taping the show.
Previously on Lost: the hatch blew up, and there was much rejoicing.
Locke wakes up in the jungle. He's lying on his back and looking confused as hell, and it's pretty much exactly like the opening shot of Jack in the Pilot. Locke hears mysterious rustling, just like Jack did in the Pilot. Locke turns to look, just like Jack did in the Pilot. Locke sees a naked Desmond, which would be just like Jack did in the Pilot, had the Pilot been written by me. "Okay, we're about fifteen seconds into it... you know what this show needs? A naked Scot!"
Locke tries to call out to Desmond, but he can't speak (my original impression was that Locke had just thought better of it, because if I saw a naked man while I was lying prone in the jungle, I sure as hell wouldn't want to draw attention to myself). He can, however, walk. He stands up, and Eko's Jesus Stick falls out of a tree and just about brains him. Back to the beach he goes.
Charlie and Claire note Locke's return. Actually, it's mostly Claire who does the noting; Charlie couldn't care less. It's pretty clear that Claire is wearing the pants in this relationship: "Hey, there's Locke. What happened to him? When did he get back? Is he okay? What's going on? Why is he dismantling his shelter? Don't you think you should go find all this stuff out for me, Charlie?" So Charlie does. [insert whip-cracking sound effect here]
Charlie asks Locke what he's doing, and Locke explains, through a series of vague but insistent arm motions, that the sea witch stole his voice in exchange for a pair of legs, and if he doesn't get Prince Jack to kiss him by sunset on the third day, he'll turn back into a merman and become the sea witch's prisoner for all of eternity. Either that, or he needs to talk to the island. I suck at charades.
Charlie leaves Locke to his own devices, but Locke comes back with a notepad and pen. He tells Charlie that he needs his help. He writes very big, which irks me because it's a waste of paper and last I checked, it's only food that's getting regularly dropped, not office supplies. Charlie's like, "Yeah, remember the time you beat the crap out of me on the beach? I do. Sod off." But Locke is insistent. He needs Charlie to "stand guard." Charlie agrees, probably because he just likes being able to heckle Locke mercilessly while Locke can't respond.
Flashback. Locke has hair, and a truck, and he picks up a hitchhiker named Eddie who is totally poor man's Billy Boyd. They're heading for Eureka--I smell a crossover! They get pulled over almost immediately by a cop, who informs Locke that his taillight is out, and I guess a busted taillight is a serious offense that requires both of them getting out of the vehicle. Cop wants to see what Locke has in the back, so Locke shows him an assortment of guns. The cop is like, "..." But Locke says, "I've got papers for them right here, in this red binder," and I guess it checks out or something. Personally, if I was a cop and I pulled over a guy who had eighty guns in his trunk, I wouldn't care if the guy had papers. I'd be like, "You're under arrest for creeping me right out." But this cop just says, "Well, you may have papers for your eighty guns, but do you have papers for that hitchiker you just picked up?" Eddie quickly chimes in, "He's my uncle!" Cop can't beat that. They drive off.
Flashforward. Locke builds a little hovel thing and starts mixing up some of his famous whacky paste. Turns out the hovel is a sweat lodge. I'm not entirely sure why a sweat lodge is necessary on a TROPICAL ISLAND, but what do I know? Locke goes in, giving Charlie strict orders to stand guard but not enter the holy island shrine, and starts trippin'.
And he sees Boone, who has nice hair in the afterlife. Locke tries to talk to Boone, but can't. "You'll speak when you have something worth saying," Boone assures him. Man, if only EVERYONE on the island could suffer that affliction; we could wrap this show up by sweeps. Locke has lost the use of his legs again (Boone seems to have that effect), so he climbs into his wheelchair and Boone pushes him into a whacky-paste-induced vision of an airport in which everyone is all clean and made-up and stylish. So Boone's all, "Someone here is in need of your help... but who could it be?" We find out that Sayid's got Jin and Sun taken care of, Charlie and Claire and Baby are "all right... for now," and Kate, Sawyer, and Jack are beyond Locke's reach for the moment. Which pretty much leaves the tailies, only the writers conveniently killed all but two of them off, so gee, it must be Eko.
Locke wakes up, exits the sweat hovel, and tells Charlie he has to "save Eko's life." Out loud. He can talk now.
Locke and Charlie tromp through the jungle. Locke repeatedly tries to order Charlie to go back to his woman, because he shouldn't be hanging out with Locke because Locke is a toxic friend, but Charlie is stubborn and wants to continue the hike. They find Eko's cross, and Locke deduces that a polar bear has dragged the man off. This would be about when I'd throw in the towel, but Locke and Charlie continue.
And flashback. Locke and Eddie arrive at Locke's little commune where there is another sweat lodge, coincidentally. They have a picnic, and everyone is very nice and welcoming of Eddie. It's almost creepy, actually.
Flashforward. Where the hatch used to be, there is now a big PIT and I laughed and laughed. I'm still not entirely sure how an implosion caused the hatch door to go flying all the way to the beach, but it's not like this show is particularly scrupulous when it comes to little details like how far one place is from another or how a racing yacht anchored just offshore managed to escape everyone's notice for two whole years or what an implosion technically entails. They find a dead boar, which is an "active kill," which means the bear will be coming back for it. If the bear had a boar, why did it bother with Eko? Anyway. They hear rustling in the bushes. Locke throws his knife and kills Hurley's canteen.
Hurley gives them the low down on what happened during his ill-fated hike. Charlie's like, "Hey, we're on an ill-fated hike, too!" Hurley says, "Thanks, but I'll pass," and scrambles for the beach.
Polar bears are the Einsteins of the bear community. And they shed.
Flashback. Eddie has obviously been watching the show, as he launches right into a conversation about daddy issues. They see someone hauling fertilizer into the greenhouse, so it's either marijuana or explosives. Eddie wants in on the bomb, and Locke laughs. Marijuana, then. Either way, Eddie doesn't get to see it.
Flashforward to a cave of doom. Locke makes Charlie stand guard again, then enters the cave.
Hurley is walking back to the beach when he hears rustling in the bushes. "Bear... is that you?" Hee! It turns out it's naked Desmond. Hurley is disturbed and gives Desmond one of his enormous shirts.
Back to Locke. He's armed with a torch and hairspray, which cracks me up. Locke, you pyro. After stepping on a twisted tonka truck (my little brother totally had one of those), he finds Eko all bleeding and dazed. A tug-of-war ensues between Locke and the bear, and Locke uses his improvised flamethrower to chase the bear off. Between them, Charlie and Locke haul the semiconscious Eko away.
And somewhere in the cave scene there was a flashback in which we found out that it IS weed in the greenhouse, and that Eddie is in fact an undercover cop, oh dear. Locke insists that he can "fix this," which I thought was one of Jack's issues.
Back to Hurley and Desmond. I can't really remember what exactly happened, but here's what I wrote in my notes: "Hurley rocks. Failsafe 'convenient.' Desmond is all, 'Locke's going after them--he said so in his speech.' What? Mind-reading? Whacky paste?" Take from that what you will.
Flashback. Locke takes Eddie deer hunting, but it quickly turns into Eddie hunting. Locke has Eddie at gunpoint, and there's not much Eddie can do because Locke didn't load his (Eddie's) gun. Locke asks Eddie if he (Locke) was chosen as Eddie's ticket in because he's such a pushover, and Eddie's like, "Yup." So Locke's like, "I'm going to shoot you." So Eddie falls back on the whole, "I know you, Locke. You're not a killer, so you won't kill me" thing. Yeah, Colleen tried that, didn't work. But it works on Locke, who doesn't fire because he's distracted by the DRAMATIC CRESCENDO.
Flashforward. The three hikers take a break. They can hear a stream, so Charlie goes to get water (side note: I want to see an episode where someone gets seriously ill from drinking this water without boiling it first. I watch Survivorman; that shit's full of bacteria that will seriously fork you up). Since they're alone, Locke takes the opportunity to spill his soul to unconscious!Eko, going on about how he could have saved Jack, Kate, and Sawyer if he had just let Eko push the button, wah, wah. Eko is like, "You can still save them," and at that point Charlie comes back and we see that Eko is out cold again, so it might have just been a residual effect of the whacky paste.
They make it back to camp, where Locke makes a big speech about how he's going to save the world. In the process, he reveals that Jack and Kate and Sawyer have been kidnapped, and two "red shirts" (who will eventually become secondary characters, but are only given one line each this time so we can all pretend they've been slowly and cleverly intigrated into the inner island circle and not just dropped in out of nowhere) scold Hurley for not telling them this immediately. "Why didn't you tell us this, Hurley?!" Shut up, bitch; I already don't like you. Firstly, you're supposed to be a real actress, but you deliver this line more melodramatically than the actual extras do when they're thrown a line. And secondly, if you've been on this island the whole time, then you already know that no one says anything of any value unless they're being tortured, and half the time even torturing doesn't work. If you want to know what's what, you're going to have to be more proactive. Or you could shut up. Or both. Bitch.
Anyway. Hurley gives Locke a bit of a funny look, then looks at Desmond, who is still dressed in just Hurley's shirt and hurling rocks into the ocean. Hurley gets severe deja-vu from this. Was Desmond in the hospital, too?
Next week, on Lost: I don't know. We changed the channel.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-21 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-21 04:16 am (UTC)And it DOES! He should just belt it and go.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-21 07:08 am (UTC)And he's Scottish. They're used to not having pants. ;p
no subject
Date: 2006-10-21 04:22 pm (UTC)True that! *catcalls*
no subject
Date: 2006-10-21 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-21 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-22 11:11 pm (UTC)