Mockfest 4 and 5

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 4

Randi slumped in her chair at the council of Elrond, still feeling vaguely nauseated. The fact that Legolas had kindly held her hair out of her face while she retched into the bushes didn't help matters much.

Elrond was going on about a ring. Randi would have paid attention, but she was too occupied being miserable and trying (and failing) to ignore the many significant glances Legolas kept shooting her way. She had seen the movie, anyway; she knew the general idea. Well, she was absolutely NOT going to join the Fellowship, that was for damn sure!

*~*~*

"I would like you to join the Fellowship," Elrond said later that day, as Randi was heading to the stables to steal a horse and bail.

"Like hell," Randi said flatly, still walking determinedly in the direction of the stables.

Elrond winced at her language. "But Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, I thought you would want to go to along!" He paused, frowning at her. "I know that you have been hurt in the past, but you need to learn to open your heart and-"

"You know," Randi said, voice dripping with sarcasm, "I would really appreciate it if you would just go back into your Homely Hell-house and sip on a nice, hot cup of shut the hell up."

Elrond stopped in his lack of tracks, taken aback. "Well, I would appreciate it," Elrond said peevishly, "if you would at least pretend to be a little respectful." He paused again. "Why don't you want to join the Fellowship?"

"I don't want to be here at all, okay?!" Randi snapped, rounding on her "uncle." "I want to go home and shag my boyfriend rotten! I most definitely do NOT want to go along on some stupid quest, risk my life, and be HIT ON by one of Santa's little helpers, all right?! I wouldn't even be useful!" She turned back towards the stables.

"Ah," Elrond said, nodding wisely. "You do not think very highly of yourself, that is the problem!"

Randi stopped and turned slowly back around, disbelief etched across her features. Was it possible that this guy had ignored all but her very last sentence and, in the twisted labyrinth of his mind, turned it all into a simple self-esteem issue?! "What part of 'I want to go home and shag my boyfriend' don't you understand?!" Randi asked in disbelief.

"It's settled, then!" Elrond said, smiling. "I'm sure your travels with the Fellowship will help you to realize just how special you really and truly are, my long-lost third-cousin's niece!"

"I am not related to you," Randi pointed out, hands on hips, "I have wonderful self-esteem, and I am NOT, I repeat, NOT going with the Fellowship!"

The author chortled quietly to herself.

*~*~*

Randi was bobbing up and down. She stirred sleepily. Something did not feel quite right.

Then she remembered. Celestina Windbreaker. Being hurled unwillingly into the world of Mary-Sues. Randi frowned in her not-quite-sleep. And now she was bobbing up and down. This was strange. Her bed in Rivendell had not been bobbing like this when she had gone to sleep the night before.

Randi opened one eye. There was grass passing by. Hmm. Odd. Randi opened her other eye, and saw more grass, peeling steadily away. There was a shadow on the grass. It was a tall, slim, shadow that was oddly bunched out in its left shoulder region. Randi peered to her left, and saw a quiver full of golden-fledged arrows.

"GODDAMNMOTHERFORKINGSONOFACRACKWHORE!!!!" Randi shrieked, struggling like a madwoman in Legolas's grasp.

"My lady! You're awake!" Legolas looked back and smiled at her. "What was it you just said? I am afraid I didn't catch it."

"PUT ME DOWN!!" Randi shouted directly in Legolas's ear, pounding his back with her fists and praying that it would leave bruises. Legolas winced slightly and set her down gently. Randi looked around in horror.

They were in the middle of freaking nowhere. And 'they' was the Fellowship of the ring. All of them were looking at Randi as if she were the crazy one for making such a fuss, as opposed to them being the crazy ones for carrying her along against her will while she was SLEEPING, for Pete's sake. Randi stumbled backwards away from Legolas (who was rubbing his ear but trying to look like he wasn't) and glared in open-mouthed shock at the others. Even Bill the pony looked a bit reproachful.

"How DARE you??!!!" Randi shrieked. Several birds in a nearby shrub took flight in alarm.

"Elrond said that you wished to come with us," Gandalf said slowly, giving Randi an odd look.

"Well, Elrond's a forking liar!" Randi snapped, and Sam gasped in shock and clapped a hand over his mouth.

"You looked so peaceful sleeping, I did not want to wake you," Legolas said with a shrug and a small smile. Randi continued to look apoplectically enraged, and Legolas's eyes darkened with worry. "If I have offended you in any way, Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, I am very, truly sorry. Please forgive me," Legolas begged, looking on the verge of tears.

"First of all," Randi said in a dangerously calm voice, "my name is NOT Litherien-whatever, it is RANDI! Second of all, I am NOT going with you guys! Now which way is it back to Rivendell?"

Aragorn shook his head. "The journey back is much too dangerous for a lady such as yourself to attempt alone."

"Oh!" Randi snapped, trembling with rage, "so it is perfectly all right for me to be on a quest to take the brainchild of evil incarnate into said evil incarnate's STRONGHOLD, but traveling from here to Rivendell on my own is TOO DANGEROUS??!!!!"

"Yes," Legolas said, nodding gravely.

There was a short pause.

"YOU'RE ALL COMPLETELY BONKERS!!" Randi screamed.

"Please stop shouting," Pippin begged, hands over his ears.

"STOP SHOUTING??!!!" Randi shouted. "STOP SHOUTING????!!!!!"

"Yes!" Pippin whimpered.

"We need to keep moving," Gandalf said, frowning at Randi. "We cannot delay. Time is of the essence."

"And apparently," Randi snapped sarcastically, "intelligence is not!" She glared at every Fellowship membership individually and yelled, "I HATE YOU ALL!" Then she burst into tears.

Almost immediately, Randi felt a pair of arms engulf her, and soothing phrases in elvish were murmured into her ear. Randi shoved Legolas violently away, screaming an unintelligible string of curses, the only somewhat-distinguishable phrase being: "DON'TYOUFORKINGTOUCHMEDAMNITIHATEYOUCELESTINAWINDBREAKERGOTOHELL!!!!!!"



Chapter 5

Randi was thinking hard as she walked.

Her first thought had been to ditch the Fellowship first chance she got. The problem was, she highly doubted that she would ever get that chance. Legolas was watching her like a hawk. He probably wouldn't hesitate to knock her unconscious and then carry her some more... in fact, he'd probably prefer to knock her unconscious so he could carry her some more. Randi shuddered involuntarily. She wished her roomy was here.

Randi shot a glance of loathing up at the sky, where she imagined that Celestina biatch was watching her. 'This is war,' Randi thought grimly. 'This is forking WAR!'

Then it hit her. Randi almost laughed.

She didn't want to be a Mary-Sue... so she simply wouldn't be a Mary-Sue! She knew most of the characteristics; she would just go out of her way to do the exact opposite! Randi began composing a list of Sue-like qualities and trying to figure out how she could combat those within her limited means.

All right. Mary-Sues are attractive. Hmmm. Well, there wasn't much Randi could do about her looks; Celestina had probably enhanced them when she turned her half-elven, and she hadn't exactly been hideously ugly to begin with. But that didn't mean she couldn't make herself less desirable! Randi saw a huge puddle of mud up ahead and started to discreetly angle herself towards it. She could fall in and make it look like an accident! Sure, she'd get covered in muck and would probably reek, but then the Fellowship would be less inclined to walk near her, and she might get a chance to sneak off! Randi was desperate enough that some personal discomfort seemed like a fair price to pay for getting away from the stupid Fellowship of the stupid ring.

Randi walked closer and closer to the puddle, resisting the urge to cackle. There was a small rock near the edge. Perfect! She could trip! Randi walked casually towards the rock, pretending to look elsewhere. Her foot stubbed the rock, and she started to fall...

... and was caught about a nanosecond later by none other than Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.

"GODDAMNIT!!" Randi shouted in frustration.

"My lady, you nearly fell into that puddle of mud!" Legolas said, setting her down a safe distance away. Randi glared at him furiously for a minute, then bolted for the puddle. He caught her again. "What has gotten into you?" Legolas murmured in concern. "Why would any maiden WANT to fall into a mud puddle?"

"Because it does WONDERS for my COMPLEXION!!" Randi snapped, enraged. "CLEANSES my PORES, you know?!?!" Legolas was still holding onto her, so she kicked him in the shins. "Let GO of me, you bastard!"

Legolas let go of her, taken aback. Then, much to Randi's fury, he started to laugh, a disgustingly melodious sound.

"WHAT?!" Randi snapped, smoothing out her dress where his hands had wrinkled it.

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, you amaze me!" Legolas laughed some more. "None of the elven maidens from the palace are anything like you! It is so refreshing to be able to speak with someone different!"

"My NAME," Randi growled, "is RANDI!" Then she stormed off.

All right, she thought to herself. Scratch the idea of getting dirty. What else could she do to combat the evil enchantment that had been laid upon her? She could try hanging out with other Fellowship members, but she was pretty sure that all of them had Mary-Sues written involving them. What would be the point of avoiding Legolas if it just meant that Aragorn or Boromir was going to fall for her next? Then again... Randi had never heard of ANY Mary-Sues being written about Gimli... or Gandalf! Ha! She knew that Legolas and Gimli would eventually become friends, though... best to buddy up with Gandalf. He was old and stuff; it was safer.

Feeling pleased with herself, Randi sped up until she was walking next to the wizard.

"Hey, Gandalf," Randi said in a very pleasant tone of voice that should have put Gandalf on his guard but did not, because in the Mary-Sue universe, no one is that bright. "I was wondering if you could tell me a bit concerning this quest thingy we are on... I'm afraid my, uh, illness at the council meeting prevented me from paying close attention to what was being said." Randi fought the urge to roll her eyes at her own suddenly altered pattern of speech. She was definitely speaking like a 'Sue, GAG. But if it would help keep Celestina from figuring out what she was up to...

"Why, certainly!" Gandalf said, and proceeded to blather on for close to an hour while Randi smiled and nodded, eager to keep him talking for as long as he could talk without passing out. The more time she spent chatting with Gandalf (if you could call the one-sided conversation a 'chat'), the less time she would have to spend with Leggo-my-eggolas.

*~*~*~*~*

For the next few weeks Randi's day went something like this: wake up, eat, avoid Legolas's attempts at starting a conversation, start to walk, ask Gandalf a question that she knew would require a lengthy explanation, and pretend to listen to said lengthy explanation for the next few hours. If explanation was lengthy enough, she would not have to ask another complex question that day. If it was not lengthy enough, she would attempt to strike up a conversation with Gimli. If that didn't work, she simply ignored everyone and everything around her. It seemed to be working.

They were currently taking a break on a rocky hilltop. Boromir was teaching Merry and Pippin how to swordfight, something that Randi was determined to NOT learn. All Mary-Sues were accomplished fighters, as far as she knew, and she wanted to be as UN-Mary-Sue as she could, even at the risk of her own life. She was also aware that often when Mary-Sues died, they ended up alive and well back in their own world. Randi figured that dying in battle might not be so bad if it meant that she would get to go home. And shag her boyfriend. Rotten.

Also knowing that Mary-Sues had beautiful singing voices, Randi was singing at the top of her lungs, as badly as she could.

"DREAM A BUT IS LIFE!!!!!!! MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY STREEEEEAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!! THE DOWN, GENTLY BOAT YOUR ROW, ROW, ROW, YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, LIFE IS BUT A DREAM A BUT IS LIFE!!!!!!"

Even Gimli was wincing. A good sign.

Legolas had been watching her with a mixture of awe and something like disbelief mixed with horror. Now he turned and sprang gracefully up onto a rock like a forking gazelle. Randi wanted to hurl.

"If anyone were to ask my opinion, and I note they're not..." Gimli was saying.

"But that's not because your opinion's stupid or anything..." Randi muttered under her breath. Legolas heard her and, to her horror, smiled at her. Oh, God, she'd forgotten that elves and dwarves didn't like each other much! God damn it all to hell!

"... I'd say we were taking the long way round! Gandalf, we could pass through the mines of Moria! My cousin, Balin, would give us a royal welcome!"

"No, Gimli," Gandalf said, smoking his pipe (Randi didn't want to know what was in it. "The finest weed in the south farthing" my ass, she thought). "I would not pass through the mines unless I had no other choice."

"Which is why you let Frodo make the decision to go there later, when we're stuck on that godawful mountain-top." Randi muttered, this time making sure that her voice was low enough that Legolas couldn't hear. Maybe she could get herself buried in that avalanche. Nah. That goddamn elf would rescue her, fork it all.

Randi saw the huge-ass flock of birds approaching and sighed. She made a face and mouthed the phrase "Crebain from Dunland!" at the same time Legolas said it. No one noticed.

"Hide!" Aragorn shouted. Randi scrambled to hide under a rock that Legolas was not also hiding under, and had no luck. To make things worse, the rock they were stuck under was awfully small, which made it necessary for them to squish together. In order to fit more "comfortably," Legolas slipped an arm around Randi's shoulders. Randi craned her neck and bit it as hard as she could. Legolas withdrew his arm with a squeak of pain, and Randi cackled quietly.