Mockfest 6 and 7

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 6

After Legolas put the moves on her under the rock, Randi was more determined than ever to avoid him. So she had pulled out the best weapon she had in her arsenal.

"Gandalf? I want to know about the history of Middle-Earth."

Gandalf raised his eyebrows at her. "That will take some telling, Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen!"

"I don't care!" Randi said a bit too forcefully, but Gandalf did not notice. "I really want to know! Everything!"

"Well then, I shall certainly tell you all that I know..." Gandalf said. Randi let out a slow breath. It would take him DAYS to explain the history of Middle Earth, even if he was just giving her a crash course! She was safe.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"... Which brings us to the second age..." Gandalf puffed as he struggled up the snowy slope of Caradhras. Due to Randi's half-elven heritage, she could walk on top of the snow. She couldn't decide whether she resented the fact that she and Legolas had something in common, or was grateful that he didn't have an excuse to "help" her out.

"What all happened in the second age?" Randi asked, with forced interest.

Before Gandalf could get into it, Frodo fell over and rolled down the slope, fetching up at Aragorn's feet. Randi immediately looked at Boromir. He bent down and picked up the ring. He opened his mouth to speak, and Randi rolled her eyes.

"Give the damn ring back to Frodo right now!" Randi snapped. Boromir jumped and handed the ring back, looking at her strangely.

"Well done," Legolas said softly, touching her arm. Randi slapped his hand away and told him where he could try putting it instead of on her arm, and even Aragorn blanched.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"There is a fell voice on the air," Legolas commented in the blinding sheets of snow being hurled at the Fellowship.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Randi snapped. She was actually quite enjoying herself. She had lived all of her life in Minnesota, and was used to frigid weather. But she was definitely not used to standing in a blizzard in nothing but a dress and feeling comfortable. Because of this, she was in a great mood. So when Legolas had offered her his cloak, she had told him to go to hell in a very pleasant tone of voice.

"It's Saruman!" Gandalf shouted back.

"Blah, blah, blahbity blah," Randi commented idly, playing with an icicle and wondering if she could discreetly stab Legolas and make it look like an accident.

"He's trying to bring down the mountain!"

"Gandalf! We must turn back!"

"No!" Gandalf began stubbornly shouting incantations into the howling wind, which of course had no effect at all, whatsoever. Randi stifled a yawn.

A moment later, she found herself partially buried in snow. It was no small task to get herself out, and she managed it without any help from Legolass-hole. Thank God. The elf in question shot her a concerned glance, despite the fact that she was standing comfortably on top of the snow while most of the rest of the Fellowship was still partially or fully buried.

"My lady, are you-"

"Just leave me the fork alone, all right?" Randi snapped, brushing off her dress. "I can take care of myself! It's the others that need help, in case you haven't noticed."

"I did not notice," Legolas said, eyes widening as he dug out a few hobbits. "Thank you for alerting me," he added with a smile. Randi nearly tossed her cookies all over the mountainside.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"The walls of Moria!" Gimli said, pointing impolitely at the walls.

"Gandalf," Randi almost begged, "tell me about the mines!" Legolas had been staring at her ever since they had gotten off the mountain, and Gandalf had seem disinclined to talk. That hadn't left Randi with many options other than ignoring him, and it was difficult to ignore an elf staring at the back of her head. It made the little hairs on her neck prickle, and whenever she turned around to glare or flip him off, he only smiled at her. It was infuriating.

"Talk to the hobbits for a change," Gandalf said grumpily, and Randi scowled. The only comforting thought was that soon enough the big battle in the mines would occur, and if she was lucky, she wouldn't live through it. Though, since she was a Mary-Sue, she probably had latent sword-fighting/martial arts skills.

They stopped at the gate, and Randi watched apathetically as Gandalf tried to figure out the password and Merry and Pippin chucked rocks in the water.

Then she watched apathetically as the gate opened.

Then she watched apathetically as it became apparent that no dwarves had lived in the mines for quite some time, though quite a lot had died there.

Then she watched apathetically as the Watcher in the water attacked and was defeated.

Then she ambled apathetically forward as the entrance to the mines collapsed with a rumble and crash of stone on stone.

And when Legolas worriedly checked to see if she was all right, she apathetically punched him in the nose.



Chapter 7

It was the third day in the mines. Randi wasn't exactly having the time of her life, but she was determined to not show it. It was bad enough that Legolas was always asking her if she felt all right, she definitely didn't need him to know for a fact that she was not all right at all.

Right now, the Fellowship was at a standstill. They had reached an intersection, and Gandalf did not remember which way to go. Gimli was very stand-off-ish, so Randi was talking to Boromir. He was going to die soon enough anyway; she figured it was safe to talk to him.

"So, Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen..." Boromir began.

"Randi," Randi corrected firmly. "Call me Randi or don't call me anything at all."

"Er, Randi, then," Boromir said uncertainly, as if he could not quite believe that Randi was a real name. Personally, Randi thought it almost funny how readily everyone accepted the name 'Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen.'

"Where are you from?" Randi asked quickly. She would rather listen (or at least pretend to listen) to the most boring of Boromir's childhood stories than try and explain her own childhood. Especially considering the fact that her actual childhood was nothing like the childhood Celestina had fabricated. To be honest, Randi wasn't even sure that she would be able to explain her real childhood; perhaps when she opened her mouth, Celestina's demented tale would spill out instead of the truth.

Boromir began talking animatedly about Gondor. Randi could see Legolas watching her out of the corner of her eye. He looked wistful. Randi's stomach flopped over in protest. 'I know just how you feel,' Randi thought to her stomach.

"Ah!" Gandalf said suddenly, and everyone turned to look at him. "It's this way," Gandalf nodded down the right-hand passage.

"He's remembered!" Merry said, grinning.

"No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. When in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose!"

"Aha," Randi muttered sarcastically, "there are Froot Loops down that way!" Boromir gave her a look, and Randi shrugged. "Inside joke."

"I see," said Boromir, who didn't.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Randi rolled her eyes as Gimli went dashing off into some side chamber. Stupid dwarf. He should be on a leash. She pictured Gandalf tugging Gimli along by the neck and giggled. Then she ambled along after the others as they followed Gimli, feeling very apathetic again.

She knew that Pippin was going to knock the skeleton down the well. She watched him carefully. If he didn't knock it down, she was going to. But he did. Excellent. When the drums started pounding in the deep, Randi had trouble keeping a straight face. Soon, she would die and go home! YES!!! It was all she could do to not clap and jump up and down like a five-year-old seeing a pony for the very first time.

Of course, Legolass-hole was at her side before the echoes of the first drum-beat had even begun to fade, pressing a sword into her hands and asking her if she could use it.

"Sure," Randi lied smoothly. "Oh yeah, I've been sword training since I was five. I'm a forking natural." She held the sword loosely; it felt terribly awkward. Even better; there was little chance that she had any latent mad sword-fighting skillz. She tried swooshing it through the air and nearly dropped it. Perfect. She wouldn't last five seconds!

"Get back behind Gandalf," Legolas said, gently cupping her cheek in one hand. Randi actually let him; hell, she had about two minutes to live! She scrambled back behind Gandalf and gripped the sword like she would a baseball bat, trying to look as if she meant business.

The orcs burst through the door. It only took a moment or two for them to get past the Fellowship and Gandalf to where she stood. Randi pointed her sword at an orc, inviting him to knock it away and gut her. It would be easy, it would be over in two seconds...

The orc ran up to her, shrieking. Randi squinched her eyes shut and waited for the end.

But, unfortunately, the end did not come. Randi opened her eyes to see the orc neatly impale itself on her sword! It staggered backwards and fell over, dead as a doornail! Randi looked down at the bloodied sword and shrieked in rage. This could not be happening!

Legolas looked over, clearly misinterpreting her shout of fury as a battle cry of some kind. He smiled at her. Randi wanted to cry. Maybe the next orc would kill her.

No. The next orc, just like the first one, ran smack dab onto her sword, as if it had been aiming for it! Randi tried lowering her sword to her side, but the orcs just slid into it, neatly slicing their own throats! Randi tried experimentally holding out her hand, and several orcs knocked themselves senseless against her fists. Randi realized with a mixed sense of wonder and dismay that she was kicking ass, literally without trying.

Randi threw down her sword, and orcs started picking it up and stabbing themselves with it. Stooping, she picked up a rock and aimed it at Legolas. Might as well do it now, when no one would know it was her. She would up and whipped the rock as hard as she could at the back of Legolas's head.

It was as if everything was happening in slow motion. Right after she let go of the rock, Legolas turned towards her. He saw the rock, and she could see his expression changing from grim to confused. Oops. He wasn't supposed to see it coming! But before the rock could connect, an orc hurled itself in the path of the missile. The rock thwacked it right between the eyes, and the orc was dead before it hit the ground. Legolas's eyes widened, and he positively beamed at Randi, obviously thinking that she had just saved his life.

"GOD DAMN IT!" Randi screamed, stomping her feet. An orc crawled towards her and stuck its head beneath her boots, and was knocked unconscious. Randi quit stomping. Instead, she stood in a corner with her arms tightly folded, scowling at the floor. Orcs continued to run up to her and, when she refused to offer any sort of harm, they punched themselves in the face or stabbed themselves with their own weapons. One even reached up, gripped its own head, and neatly snapped its own neck.

The cave troll, thankfully, ignored her. Then again, that may have been because by the time it showed up, Randi was surrounded by a pile of dead orcs so high that it completely obstructed her from view. Randi listened to the sounds of the battle, noting with dull interest that her dress and hands were completely spotless. There was blood absolutely everywhere but on her. She actually tried to get blood in her dress, and failed. It refused to stain her clothes.

"Damn you, Celestina Windbreaker!" Randi hissed to herself as the cave troll fell with a groan and a thump. There were a few moments of silence. Then she heard someone scrambling up Corpse Mountain. 'Three forking guesses as to who it is,' she thought sarcastically. 'I should have hit him for touching me. Good God, now he probably thinks I like him! Someone just invent a forking gun and forking shoot me in the forking head right forking now!'

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, are you all right?" Legolas peered down at her, eyes dark with concern.

"No," Randi snapped sarcastically, "I'm dead, actually. It's just taking me a while to stop breathing and moving around, that's all."

"Did you slay all of these orcs yourself?" Legolas asked in disbelief, shifting to keep his balance on the pile.

"It was nothing," Randi rolled her eyes. "It was really nothing. These things practically kill themselves."

Legolas offered his hand. Randi ignored it.