Mockfest 8 and 9

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 8

Randi decided that she did not like running in a dress. Then she decided that she didn't like running, period. Then she decided that she especially didn't like running away from a butt-load of orcs, next to an elf who kept attempting to hold her hand no matter how many times she told him to leave her the fork alone. So when they stopped, completely surrounded, Randi was grateful. A bit disappointed, perhaps, because she clearly wasn't going to die anytime soon... but definitely grateful to not be running.

Randi slipped through the tightly-bunched Fellowship until she was standing next to Gandalf, and not Lego-the-fork-away-why-don't-you. But, of course, the elf was by her side once more a moment later. It was getting to the point where it seemed like they were wearing an invisible pair of handcuffs or something. It made Randi want to crawl into a hole and die. Either that or kill someone... preferably a pointy-eared, irritating someone who couldn't take a hint.

The orcs scattered, and Randi sighed. That must mean the balrog was here. Which meant that soon Gandalf would fall and then...

"GODDAMNIT!" Randi snapped. It had just hit her. Gandalf would fall. He would fall and then it would be that much harder to avoid Legolas! Shoot!

"What is this new devilry?" Boromir asked, looking from Randi to Gandalf.

"A balrog," Gandalf said heavily, and Randi felt Legolas tense up next to her. 'Good,' she thought. 'I hope he wets himself.' "A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. RUN!"

And they ran, pursued down the hall by the balrog. Randi thought hard as they ran. All those stairs... it would be so easy to trip... to trip and fall to her death... how tragic! Randi smirked. How very, very tragic! Randi snickered.

They had reached the steep staircases. Randi was actually a bit grateful for her half-elven heritage; it meant that she was sure-footed enough that she wouldn't trip until she was ready. And by 'ready' she meant: 'when Legolas was too far away to possibly be able to save her.' She tried to distance herself from him, but he stuck to her like a freaking leech! This was, as usual, going to be more difficult than she thought.

They reached the slight gap that Randi remembered from the movie. Perfect!

"I'll go first!" Randi almost shrieked with delight. She was quite certain that she could make the jump if she tried... which was why she didn't plan on trying. Randi bent her knees and executed the most pathetic little bunny hop ever seen in any realm at any point in the space-time continuum. Her roomy would have been proud. Randi could tell her all about it in a minute or so, as soon as she was properly dead.

Randi was falling... and then she felt something brush past her shoulder, and the next thing she knew, she was dangling with her cheek pressed against cold, hard rock, and the collar of her dress digging painfully into the side of her neck. She glared with fury at the golden-fledged arrow that had neatly skewered her dress and pinned her to the side of the chasm.

"GOD DAMN IT!!!" Randi bellowed, and whether the boulders that fell from the ceiling were loosed by the balrog or her furious screams, no one could tell. "WHY THE HELL WON'T YOU JUST LET -- ME -- DIE???!!!" She reached up and started to tug furiously at the arrow, but when she finally tugged herself free a pair of strong hands grabbed her arms. She was hauled up out of harm's way by Leggo-of-me-you-jerk in an eye-blink. The elf pulled her into a fierce hug.

"Don't scare me like that!" He groaned in her ear. Randi kneed him in the crotch.

"HOW MANY TIMES," she shrieked at Legolas (who was doubled over in pain), "DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO NOT FORKING TOUCH ME??!!" Then she continued down the stairs, leaving the rest of the Fellowship behind, still struggling to cross the gap safely. Fork them all; she was so forking SICK of this! She'd throw herself off the bridge of Kházad-dûm and be done with it. No one could stop her if they were too busy eating her dust.

Randi had reached the bridge. No one, as far as she could tell, had followed her. A few orcs with bows had spotted her but, seeing who it was, promptly turned their arrows on themselves instead. Randi jogged to the very center and stared down into the blackness of oblivion. It was beautiful. And soon it would swallow her up and take her out of this forking nightmare. Randi bent her knees, preparing to jump.

"Please don't," a voice said softly. Randi grimaced and turned to face Legolas, who was standing just before the bridge and looking at her in a way that would have been heart-breaking, had Legolas possessed even one infinitesimally small scrap of her heart.

"You can't stop me," Randi said half-gloatingly, bending her knees again.

"I know," Legolas said in a tortured whisper. Randi rolled her eyes. If he was trying to guilt her into not jumping, he was doing a bad job of it. Why the fork should she listen to him? He was the one who had been making things so god-damned difficult!

Randi rolled her eyes again and, in the process, saw that a new orc with a bow had arrived, and was aiming it at Legolas. Her heart lurched. Just because she hated the stupid elf didn't mean that she wanted him to die!

"Legolas, look out!" Randi cried, pointing at the orc. Legolas just stood there like a complete chump, gazing sorrowfully at her. His hands hung limply at his sides; he did not reach for an arrow to take out the orc or anything. "Legolas!" Randi whined, shifting from one foot to the other. "It's going to shoot you, you idiot! Move!"

The orc pulled the bowstring back to its raggedy ear, a cruel smirk spreading across its features. Legolas was still standing, as if rooted to the spot. For an instant, Randi was torn. Then, screaming a series of very inventive curses, she ran off the bridge and slammed into him, the arrow missing him and grazing her shoulder instead. Randi winced. The orc who had shot the arrow hurled itself off of the ledge it was standing on as punishment, and the orc that ran up to take its place took one look at Randi and promptly followed suit.

"You DOOFUS!" Randi screamed, punching Legolas's arm and sitting up. She examined her shoulder and swore some more. "God damn mother-forking son of a crack whore!" At least it wasn't bleeding too much.

"Your shoulder!" Legolas cried out in dismay, reaching out as if to more closely examine the wound but hastily pulling his hand back when Randi gave him a death glare.

"Yeah, and it's all YOUR forking fault! I hope you're happy!"

"I am," Legolas said sincerely, smiling a bit sadly at her. Randi scowled.

"Just so you know, I WILL be dying as soon as I can possibly arrange it. Just because I saved your life doesn't mean that mine will be any longer than it absolutely has to be!" Randi stood up, and Legolas rose to his feet as well.

Legolas looked like he wanted to say something, probably something disgustingly sweet and touching, but right at that moment the rest of the Fellowship came hurtling around the corner. They all scrambled across the bridge. All except Gandalf.

"Damn it," Randi cursed quietly to herself as she watched Gandalf make his last stand against the balrog. He was one of the few things that stood between her and Legolas, and he was about to fall. Peachy forking keen. Randi decided that she preferred not to watch, and no one noticed her as she slipped out of the mines and into the sunlight. She wandered out across the rocks, then plopped down, buried her head in her hands, and started to sob.

"Oh, stop that!" an all-too-familiar voice said. Randi's head snapped up, and her eyes blazed with rage as she hurled herself at Celestina Windbreaker, wrapping her fingers around the Goddess's throat.

"HOW DARE YOU?! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME??!!" Randi screamed, trying her hardest to throttle the life out of the cruel deity.

"Let go of me!" Celestina snapped, and Randi felt her fingers being pulled away by unseen forces. She staggered back a few paces, still straining against invisible barriers in an attempt to kill the one who had literally dropped her into this mess. "Unprecedented!" the Goddess continued, straightening her hideous chartreuse dress. "I have never seen such an ungrateful little whelp in all my eons of existence!" Celestina folded her arms and glared right back at Randi. "I've given you the hottest elven archer in the history of literature and film ON A PLATE, and you are doing NOTHING! Do you not possess hormones?!"

"Did it ever occur to you in your 'infinite' wisdom," Randi snapped sarcastically, "that I don't WANT the hottest elven archer in the history of literature and film?!?! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! I LOVE HIM! I WANT HIM!!!!!"

"Well, tough!" Celestina said pitilessly. "Because you aren't getting him any time soon! The rules state that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of here by any means until you two are deeply in love and it is at LEAST appropriately tragic! I should know! I wrote them!" Celestina flipped her ebony hair back and pulled out a long parchment and started to read. "Right here, paragraph twelve, sub-section B, line thirty-six and three-fourths! 'No Mary-Sue shall be permitted to return to her own world until she is thoroughly in love with canon character being Sued.' In your case, Legolas! 'Then the options are as follows: Mary-Sue may die tragically in battle, Mary-Sue may die tragically of tuberculosis, Mary-Sue may die-"

"Just shut the fork UP!" Randi snatched the scroll from the Goddess's hands and ripped it to shreds. "There! That is what I think of your stupid, stupid rules! Confetti!" She tossed the scraps in the air and danced around as they floated to earth. "WHEEE! HA HA HA!" It occurred to Randi that she was probably going crazy. Oh, well. Might as well enjoy it.

"You little FOOL!" Celestina shrieked. "Do you have any idea what you have just done?!"

"Let's see," Randi said, looking deep in thought. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that I have just ripped up your stupid scroll and scattered your oh-so-precious rules to the winds!" Randi picked up a few scraps and scattered them again for emphasis. "See? Here I go! Scatter, scatter, scatter!" Randi cackled dementedly, and Celestina recoiled in horror.

"I'll make another copy immediately," Celestina muttered to herself. "And YOU, dearie, had better just hope that Legolas doesn't get any funny ideas between now and when the new copy is complete!"

"What the hell do you mean?" Randi asked, blowing on a scrap so that it sailed back into the air and giggling.

"These rules," Celestina snapped, "do not just limit your actions as a Mary-Sue, they limit HIS, since he is the canon character BEING Sued!"

"Meaning...?" Randi asked, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow.

"Meaning," Celestina said acidly, "that... oh, by the Valar, child, don't you know ANYTHING?!" The Goddess slumped for a minute, then sighed and continued in a more patient tone of voice. "Do you think that the REAL Legolas Thranduilion would EVER fall for you?"

"I sure as hell HOPE not!" Randi said, rolling her eyes.

"Exactly! In the Mary-Sue realm, characters are twisted into whatever the author wants them to be! Out of character, OOC, does that ring a bell?"

"Ye-es..." Randi said slowly. "What's your point?"

"My point," Celestina snapped, waving a pathetic scrap of parchment, "is that in this particular Mary-Sue realm, Legolas is a sensitive archer who is madly, madly in love with you! That is all that matters! Those are the only aspects of his character that have even remotely been explored or developed! And these rules that you so thoughtfully ripped to shreds have KEPT him the polite, sensitive, one-dimensional puppy dog that he's been so far! And now that YOU'VE destroyed it, IT'S ALL BLOODY RUINED!!!"

"Er..." Randi said slowly, still not sure that she got it. "So he's one-dimensional. I could have figured that out on my own. And if he IS one-dimensional, who the fork cares? Seems to me that it just makes him more predictable."

"That's not the point! The Legolas that you are Sueing is based on a three-dimensional character, and those dimensions still hold true in this realm, even if they aren't explored! To put it simply, the Legolas you have been dealing with has been filtered and translated to suit the author's needs! And now that you've wrecked the rules, the filters have been removed!"

"So, you mean he'll be his regular old self and not fall in love with me?" Randi grinned. "Sweet!"

"You say that now," Celestina said bitterly. "Just wait until you have to deal with the REAL Fellowship! Damn it, I'm going to get scribbling right now!" Celestina disappeared in a *POOF* of violet smoke.

And the unfiltered Fellowship of the ring came staggering out of Moria.



Chapter 9

Randi faced the Fellowship, suddenly nervous. Would they even remember her? What would they think of her?

Sam, Merry, and Pippin collapsed, grief-stricken. Boromir held Gimli back; the dwarf was trying his hardest to go back into the mines and avenge Gandalf. Frodo wandered aimlessly away from the others. Aragorn grimly wiped the blood from his sword as Legolas approached Randi. He opened his mouth, and Randi received her first unpleasant shock of the day.

She had no idea what the hell he was saying.

"Sbnjhert fhrua xjy aeg dfiusah?" Legolas asked. Randi blinked, then slowly shook her head.

"I don't understand you," Randi said slowly. Legolas frowned.

"Gnjrelkjn njtkrle, Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen! Chufrieoa fnrejkaldjf njelka, fnrejkl nrfjk lanj; fhui ndsfjg huixlret ggrjis?"

"I don't forking know your language, all right?!" Randi snapped impatiently. Her shoulder was starting to throb unpleasantly where the orc's arrow had grazed it, and she was beginning to think that ripping up Celestina's rules may not have been such a wise choice.

Legolas's frown deepened. Randi shifted nervously. The elf didn't really look angry to her... more confused than anything else, she decided. And he would be; she had been able to speak their language before. She had no way of explaining her sudden lack of understanding. What if he and the others thought it was just some sort of weird, mean, and badly-timed joke?

"Buialkjnsd fhdjsk fndsj jthew jdksal bnvcsme snjkcn," Legolas said slowly, as if that would help. Randi just shook her head and shrugged, the shrug making her shoulder hurt even worse. Randi winced. "Buklsa weruildpt!" Legolas said, touching her dress where the arrow had torn it.

"It's nothing," Randi said pointlessly as Legolas turned and called Aragorn over (at least, that's what Randi assumed he was doing, since Aragorn came striding over to them a moment later). Legolas nodded at Randi's shoulder, and the two of them had a conversation that sounded quite interesting and important. Pity she was missing it.

"Anjfkl fdnsjakl thuposd asdkjle?" Aragorn asked, frowning at the tiny wound.

"Snjksfdg," Legolas replied gravely. Randi's head snapped back and forth as she tried to follow their conversation. What the fork were they saying?

"Fvfurtkl asjkelrtuyhl," Aragorn said finally, as if he had reached a decision. "Whyutre ashudire Lothlórien." He turned and started helping the hobbits up. Legolas looked at Randi and spouted some more gibberish, motioning that he wanted to carry her.

Randi's eyes widened in horror, and she staggered backwards, feeling weak. "No! No forking way! You're in character; you're not supposed to be in love with me! Stay back!"

Legolas sighed, looking a bit irritated. Irritated? Randi frowned. He had never looked irritated with her, even when she had kicked him where the sun don't shine. Her mind gave a confused little twitch. Was he OOC or not? Why would he want to carry her if he wasn't?

Legolas looked thoughtfully at Randi for a moment, then started to pantomime firing an arrow. Then he pointed to Randi's shoulder. He did this a few times. Randi suddenly got it, then rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I know I was hit by an arrow. I am aware of that fact. Thank you."

Legolas, apparently, wasn't finished. He took one of his arrows out of his quiver, and sort of stabbed it slowly towards the ground, as if he were poking something or dipping the tip in something, and then pantomimed shooting it again...

"OH, MY GOD!" Randi screamed in sudden understanding as she received her second unpleasant shock of the day. Then everything went black.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Quidsjknl fdnsjakl fndsjtnjr herrlh lietsdew opdowef ldkmfaw."

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen fhdjsk thjklsdif teasxo alskjreas sl dslwomweo mdewsa."

Randi felt annoyed in a distant, trippy sort of way. People were talking about her right over her own head; how rude of them. She would give them a piece of her mind if she could find any to spare. Her mind seemed to be occupied elsewhere at the moment. She wondered if it would come back soon; she needed it.

"Randi?" Someone, it sounded like Boromir, said. It must have been Boromir; no one else had heeded her when she had told them her real name. Randi made an honest effort to open her eyes and failed. Well, she could try and take stock. She was not moving. Okay. That was cleared up. She was most definitely not moving. Randi thought as hard as her currently limited mental resources allowed. She was lying... down... on her back. All right. There were people talking about her, Boromir among them. What had happened? Gandalf had fallen and she couldn't understand anyone so Legolas had had to pantomime so she would know that she had been POISONED OH MY GOD!! Randi's entire being lurched at the memory, and there were several garbled exclamations from those around her. Also, clearly, Celestina was still rewriting the rules.

"Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen," Aragorn said urgently.

"THAT IS NOT MY NAME!" Randi screamed, hurting her throat. Her eyes snapped open or their own accord. Good; that was convenient. She wanted to see where the fork she was.

The Fellowship was standing around her bed. She was in a bed. How the heck did she get in a bed?? There were several other elves around her as well; strangers. No, that wasn't quite right... one of them was Galadriel.

"Aashjltr hasxcder sdjh frjeal dkjahre jklejh sdkfh ureiah sudyfuaif dsl," Galadriel said soothingly. Randi wasn't soothed.

"WHAT THE FORK??!!" She bellowed, sitting bolt upright. She got the impression that she had nearly died and was more than a little bit disappointed that she was still in the Mary-Sue realm. 'Damn you, Celestina,' she thought bitterly. And not only was she still stuck here, but she was stuck here with an unfiltered Fellowship whose language she couldn't even forking understand anymore! 'Damn you, Celestina Windbreaker, to hell,' Randi thought. This was SO not fair at all! The rules were gone and she STILL couldn't do something as simple as dying!

"Ahjtkr shje fhsuai?" Pippin asked. Randi just shook her head, scowling. Galadriel looked at her for a moment, then starting speaking gibberish in her head.

"That's not much help," Randi said flatly. Galadriel paused, then turned to one of the elves behind her and said something. The elf nodded and disappeared, reappearing a moment later with something in a cup, which Galadriel held out to Randi.

Randi took the cup and regarded the contents suspiciously, sniffing. It smelled vaguely minty. She risked a sip. It tasted minty. Not bad. Randi drank the rest of it, and Galadriel neatly caught the cup as Randi collapsed back against her pillow, out like a light.