Club of the Ring: Stuck in the Snow!

[nobleplatypus]

Here's a brand-spanking-new chapter of club of the ring! HUZZAH!

Will: (looks around in confusion) Where are we?
Platy: On LJ. Ff.net booted this fic off, remember?
Will: (eyes fill with tears) How come?!
Platy: It's a technical thing.
Jack: They're asshats?
Platy: (shrugs) Yeah, pretty much.
Jack: Ah. (nods)
Platy: But it is only a temporary setback. The show must go on! And so it shall!
Will: YAY!
Platy: I don't own stuff, yadda yadda yadda. On with the story!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Cut to a room in Riv 'N' Dell. Fro and Bill Bo have a chat)

Bill Bo: (pulls out a sword. It's a nice sword) My old sword, Sting! Take it, take it! (holds out Sting to Fro)

Fro: (hefts sword) It's so light! (swings it and knocks down a lamp) SWEET!

Bill Bo: Well, yes, the elves made it! Their arms are all so thin; they need light swords. The blade glows blue when orcs are close. And it is times like those, dear boy, that you have to watch your back. Now, check out THIS thing! (pulls out a vest that shines a lot and is just Fro's size) Ain't it cute? As light as a light, light thing, and as hard as a hard, hard thing! I want to see you put it on! Come on, strip!

Fro: (starts to take off his shirt)

Fro fan girls: YEA! TAKE IT ALL OFF!!

Dave: (on a chain 'round Fro's neck) Well, hey, it's my old friend Bill Bo!

Bill Bo: Ooooh, my old ring! (eyes light up, starts to drool) I would like to hold it once more… I'd like that a whole lot… just one last time…

Fro: Uh… I think not. (starts to put his shirt back on)

Fro fan girls: Awwww!

Bill Bo: Watch me turn all gross and freak out! HISS! (dives for ring)

Fro: AUGH! (jumps back) Geez!

Bill Bo: (turns his back on Fro and looks all scared and sad) This is all my fault! I brought this on you, my boy… it sucks to be you! Oh, it sucks to be you! (bursts in to tears)

Fro: Um… there, there… (puts his hand on Bill Bo's arm)

(Cut to the next day. The Club of the Ring sets out! They walk and walk and walk, past hills and tall hills and lakes and streams and rocks and stuff, and look all bold and hot and stuff… well… not Gimp and Alf and Bill the small horse, but the rest look hot)

Alf: We must hold to this course west of those tall hills that steam for a long time. If all goes well and our luck holds, the gap of Row will not be blocked, and from there our road turns east, to the land of More Doors.

(They stop for lunch and a rest… but Bor, Mer, and Pip don't want to rest, so they have a sword fight.)

Mer's sword: CLANG CLANG CLANG!

Bor's sword: CLANG CLANG CLANG!

Bor: Not bad! Let's try that once more!

Pip: That was good, Mer!

Mer: (grins as he eats some fruit with one hand and fights with the hand that's left)

Mer's sword: CLASH HONK CLANG!

Goose: GOD DAMN IT! Can't I get one CRUMB of peace?! (flaps off in a huff)

Mer: Uh…

Gimp: If one were to ask me what I though, and I note they are NOT… (coughs) I would say you plan to go the long way 'round! We could go through the mines of Doom, Death, and All Things Bad! My cuz would give us one hell of a par-TAY!

Alf: No way, Gimp. I would not go through the mines… well, I might if a short dude told me to, but or else I would not go through there. It's much too warm for my tastes.

Stride R: Move your feet, Pip!

Pip: What? (looks up at Stride R)

Bor's sword: (whacks Pip on the hand)

Pip: OW! DANG!

Bor: Whoops.

Pip: For that, you must die! (kicks Bor in the shin)

Mer: Yeah, let's get him! (slams in to Bor) For the Shire!

Pip: For my HAND! (jumps on Bor's chest)

Stride R: Heh heh heh… (laughs as Bor gets his ass kicked)

Bor: (screams as Mer sinks his teeth in to his hand) OW! Oh, dear God, I thought it was just a joke!

Pip: KILL! KILLLLLLL!! (foams at the mouth)

Bor: SOME ONE HELP ME!

Stride R: Fork, the short dudes have snapped! (runs to pull them off)

Mer and Pip: (grab Stride R's legs and trip him)

Stride R: THEY'VE GOT ME, TOO! AAIIEEEE!! (writhes in fear as Mer starts to gnaw on his boot)

Leg Less: Look at me spring up on to this rock like a young buck! (boings up on to a rock) Whee! Elves kick ass!

Sam: (looks past Leg Less at a dark cloud thing far off in the sky) What the fork is that?

Gimp: Looks like a cloud to me. Hey, it's shaped like an axe! Cool!

Mer and Pip: (stand up all calm; the red light of blood lust has left their eyes)

Bor and Stride R: (pick them selves up and look at the short dudes in fear and shock)

Mer: I think it looks like a tree.

Pip: No, it's shaped like a fish!

Fro: Looks like a horse to me.

Leg Less: I think it looks like a huge flock of crows that will peck out our eyes and crap on our heads!

Sam: (squints) No, Fro is right. It DOES look like a horse!

Leg Less: No, I mean it! It's a bunch of black crow spies from Sars!

Stride R: Crap! Hide!

Bill: (thinks: Where can I hide?! I'm a small HORSE! SHIP!)

All: (duck down and hide by rocks and shrubs and stuff)

Huge flock of crows: (fly through the air, led by the goose) CAW CAW CAW! Dude, where are they?

Goose: The jerks were right here, I swear!

Flock of crows: You dragged us all here for SQUAT! (flap off in a huff)

All: (crawl out and feel their hair for poo)

Leg Less: (feels some) DAMN IT! (starts to sob) Why me?!

Alf: Pies from Sars!

Leg Less: You mean "spies," and I said that just a short while back!

Alf: I'm old, give me a break. We can't go South. We must climb up the big tall huge hill with snow on top! (claps hands and grins) Let's get on it!

(Time jump. They all trudge through the snow on the big tall huge hill. Well, Leg Less does not trudge, he skips on top of it. And George is curled up nice and snug in Leg Less, so he has to do no work at all.)

Fro: (trips) Oof! (rolls down the hill and slams in to Stride R's legs) Ow…

Stride R: You all right, short dude? (picks up Fro and wipes the snow off)

Fro: I'm fine, but… (feels round his neck) Dave is gone!

Dave: (ten yards up the hill in the snow) Yoo hoo! I'm right here!

Bor: Yoink! (picks up Dave and stares at him)

Dave: Look at how I shine in the sun… I bet I go just great with your neck and your chest…

Bor: It is a strange fate that we should go through so much fear and doubt for so small a thing… (starts to reach up like he wants to poke Dave) such a small, small thing…

Stride R: BAD TOUCH!

Bor: (looks up in shock)

Dave: No, no, I don't mind! Crap!

Stride R: Give the ring back to Fro.

Bor: (walks down the hill and holds out Dave)

Fro: (grabs Dave and puts him back round his neck)

Bor: As you wish. I don't care. (rubs Fro's head) Good luck! Woo! (walks off)

Stride R: (lets go of his sword hilt) Thank god that's done with!

(cut to Sars in his tall thing. There are a bunch of pits in the ground, and loads of orcs make shields and swords and stuff. The black crow spies, still led by the goose, swirl down through the pits till they are by Sars)

Goose: (lands in front of Sars) Dude, you should have seen them! They swung their sharp things back and forth like I was not there! And it HURT! (cries)

Crows: We did see some guys start to slog up a tall hill thing while we were on our way back, though.

Sars: (to self) So, Alf (oops, guess not), you try to lead them up the tall huge hill thing. And if that fails? Where will you go THEN, punk? If the tall hill kicks your ass, will you risk a road more fraught with bad stuff?

(Cut back to the Club of the Ring, in a huge storm of snow)

Leg Less: (walks in front and squints in to the wind) There is a fell voice on the air!

Fell voice: (fades in and out) … hear… bells… ling… oooooooo…oooooo…

Alf: It's Sars!

Rocks: (fall) WE WILL CRUSH YOU! Wait, no we won't!

Stride R: He wants to bring down the whole hill! We must turn back!

Alf: NO! (starts to chant stuff in to the wind, which does not help)

(Cut to Sars, on top of his tall thing, the wind in his hair. We see a huge storm build from the tall thing towards the huge hill. Sars sings at the top of his lungs)

Sars: JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JING A LING, RING TING TING A LING TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… (sways back and forth to the beat, staff held high) COME ON IT'S -

(Cut back to the Club)

Light ning: ZAP BOOM! (strikes the snow on top of the hill)

Snow: (falls) WE WILL DUMP ON TOP OF YOU!

Leg Less: (pulls Alf back from the edge as snow lands) Saved your life! WUMPH!

(there is a short pause while the snow just sits on top of the Club of the Ring)

Leg Less: (pokes his head out) Wow! What a rush! (digs self out of snow, then helps out the rest as they pop up one by one)

Stride R: (to Alf) I don't know 'bout you, but I'm all funned out.

Bor: We made for the gap of Row! Or take the west road to my home town!

Stride R: Row takes us too close to Sars! (to self) And your town takes us too close to your freak of a dad!

Gimp: If we can't go on top of the tall hill, let's just go THROUGH it! Let us go through the mines of Doom, Death, and All Things Bad! Be sides, the cold makes my bad leg ache like a mo fo!

(brief cut to Sars)

Sars: The mines of Doom, Death, and All Things Bad. You fear to go in to those mines. The dwarves dug too deep. You know what woke up in the dark of the Pit With No End. Flames and smoke and dark stuff!

(cut back to the Club)

Alf: Let Fro pick! (wipes brow) Whew! Glad it's off my chest!

Fro: Well, thanks a lot! (thinks for a bit)

Gimp: (starts to chant) Mines, mines, mines, mines, mines…

Bor: (glares at Gimp and starts to chant as well) My town, my town, my town, my town…

Mer and Pip: (look at Gimp and Bor, then start their own chant)

Mer: Home, home, home, home, home…

Pip: Food and ale, food and ale, food and ale…

Leg Less and Stride R: (chant) Not the mines, not the mines, not the mines…

Sam: (chants) Just your bitch, just your bitch, just your bitch…

Gimp: (chants) MINES! MINES! MINES! MINES!

Bill: (thinks: I don't care, just get me the hell off this tall hill thing!!)

Fro: (claps hands on his ears and screams) ALL RIGHT! WE'LL GO THROUGH THE DARNED MINES!

Gimp: YES!

All but Alf, and Gimp: DAMN IT!

Alf: So be it. If we all die, it ain't MY fault!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And we shall leave off there. Leave a comment! :-P By the by, "Pies from Sars" was an actual typo… but I thought it was funny and left it. ^_^