Mockfest 15 and 16

[nobleplatypus]

Chapter 15

Legolas pulled back and looked at the still-petrified girl in front of him. Randi felt sick. That could not have just happened… it could not have just happened. Legolas's eyes darkened with concern at her horrified expression. He shook Randi's shoulder gently, frowning slightly.

"Randi?" He shook her shoulder harder. "Randi! RANDI!"

Randi's eyes snapped open. Legolas stopped shaking, looking relieved. "You passed out. You must eat something!"

Randi had a sneaking suspicion that she had regained control of her motor functions. To test her theory, she tried to wind up and slap Legolas as hard as she could. She was successful. "YOU BASTARD!!" She sat up straight, glad to be able to move again. She furiously scrubbed her hand across her lips as Legolas gaped at her in shock.

"What did you strike me for?!" He asked, touching his cheek and wincing.

"What the hell do you THINK?!" Randi snapped back, scowling.

"I think I have done nothing to merit an attack, my lady," Legolas said sincerely, a bright red handprint slowly appearing on his cheek like a developing Polaroid.

"Like HELL you didn't!" Randi shrieked, enraged.

"You were teasing me," Legolas said slowly. "Then you fell silent. I pulled back the sheet to see if you were all right, and you were just lying there. I shook your shoulder until you awoke." He frowned at her. "If you would just eat something, it would not happen again."

"Wait…" Randi said slowly, "you mean… I just fainted?"

Legolas nodded. "I'm going to fetch you some food, and when I return, you are going to eat it. No arguments." The elf walked out, leaving Randi to ponder what had just happened. She had passed out. Why hadn't she wound up in Celestina's office?

There was a cackling inside her head. 'You liked it, girl! Admit it!'

'You bitch!!' Randi thought back furiously. 'I forking HATE you!!'

'Tsk tsk, such language!' Celestina laughed. 'From now on, that will be what happens when you lose consciousness… so it would be in your best interest to stop trying to kill yourself.'

Randi resisted the impulse to use her telepathic powers to tear down every building in a five-mile radius. Unless she could die instantaneously, it would mean visions of Legolas doing god-knows-what to her, and she'd be powerless to stop it. No forking way. It wasn't worth it. At least in reality he wasn't doing stuff like… like that…

Celestina seemed content to leave it at that, and didn't say anything else. When Legolas returned with a tray of food, Randi scarfed it down like there was no tomorrow.

*~*~*~*

Randi was fully healed a few days later, and spent most of her time wandering around Lothlórien avoiding people. At the moment, her spirits were about as low as they had ever been. She had exhausted her options. She couldn't kill herself. She could try reasoning with the Fellowship, but what would be the point? If she actually succeeded in getting anyone back to normal, it would only last for as long as it took Celestina to poof down and "fix" it. Randi was not about to give up… but she had no idea how she could fight it anymore. All she could do was stop Legolas from actually doing anything to her… and after being so close to ending it all, that fairly simple task did not seem like enough. Randi leaned against a fence and gazed miserably into a field full of horses. Were there horses in Lothlórien? She didn't know. Well, there were horses in THIS Lothlórien, anyway. As Randi watched, one of the horses lifted its head, looked over at her, and trotted up to the fence.

Hi there!! The horse whuffled in Randi's face. Randi blinked.

"Oh my forking god… did you just talk?!" Randi shoved the horse's nose out of her face and frowned. "Just what I need. A sympathetic barnyard creature."

Barnyard creature? The horse cocked its head and peered at her.

"Yes." Randi shook her head. "Good lord, I'm talking to a horse. If you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go ask for some elvish meds." With that, she turned and started to walk back towards the flet in which she was staying.

Oh, oh wait! The horse kept pace along the fence. Please don't leave! You're the first person who's ever been able to hear me! I want to TALK some more!

"About what?" Randi asked, watching the horse out of the corner of her eye.

Anything! Everything! The horse whickered delightedly. Oh, there's so much that I want to SAY! Just over the past week I've been thinking real hard about dirt, and I've decided that--

"Okay," Randi interrupted. "No. Just… no. It's bad enough that I'm talking to you; I REFUSE to talk about something as mundane as DIRT!"

But I have theories, you see, the horse thought breathlessly. I was eating grass the other day… well, I eat grass EVERY day, but that's not the point… the point is, I was eating grass, and I noticed that it seemed to be coming FROM the dirt! I think, here the horse lowered its thoughts dramatically, that the grass is actually COMING OUT of the dirt!! Like it's GROWING from the dirt! Isn't that WILD? The horse paused, obviously expecting Randi to gasp or something.

"You really think so?" Randi said, looking at the horse with raised eyebrows.

Yes! The horse nodded its head.

"You know… I think you may be onto something," Randi said, then turned and continued on her way.

Oh wait, don't leave! The horse paced her again. Please! Stay and talk with me!
"Look, Mr. Ed," Randi said with a sigh, "you seem like a very nice horse and all of that, but I really don't feel too chatty right now."

What did you call me? Was that a name? I don't have one… did you just give me one? Ed? Ed! That's a nice name!

Randi sighed heavily. "Are you a boy?"

The horse snorted, looking amused. I'm not a boy; I'm a HORSE, you silly!

"I mean, are you a MALE horse?" Randi looked the horse over.

Oh! Oh, yes, I'm a stallion! Ed arched his neck and looked ridiculously proud of himself, as if being male was something he'd been working hard at for a long time. And I've been working out! See? See? I lost thirty pounds this summer! He trotted in a little circle, showing off his silky mane and tail and his gleaming white coat. Every morning I go for a nice, brisk gallop around the pasture, and then I rear for about a half hour, Ed demonstrated, kicking out his legs ecstatically, and I've just been HOPING that someone would pick me to ride, but no one ever does! I can't imagine why, can you?

"No idea," Randi said dryly. Ed poked his nose over the fence and looked hard at her.

Will YOU ride me? I just feel so unfulfilled sometimes…

'Oh, dear god,' Randi thought to herself. 'A horse who needs some serious therapy. And I'm the only one he can talk to. Someone shoot me.'

Oh please please please please please?? Ed bumped her shoulder with his nose. It'll be fun! Come onnnn! Right now! We'll go for a run! You'll LIKE it! And then I'll be able to work off that apple I ate this morning!

Randi looked at him doubtfully. "I don't have a saddle or anything. I'll fall on my ass!"

What donkey? Ed looked around in a mixture of confusion and suspicion, and Randi fought the urge to laugh hysterically.

"Never mind. The point is, I can't ride bareback."

Oh, yes you can! You're an elf! All elves can ride bareback! Besides, Ed lifted his head and looked slightly insulted, I wouldn't let you fall!

Randi looked around, then she looked back at Ed. She had nothing better to do. And if she wasn't going to fall (she believed that Ed would be careful, and she was also a Mary-Sue), well… a ride might be a good way to take her mind off things. "Oh all right," Randi said, scaling the fence and settling herself on Ed's ridiculously silky back.

Okay, grab onto my mane… but don't tangle it! And hold on tight… but not too tight! Okay… here we go! Ed took off like a shot, with Randi holding on for dear life and deeply regretting her decision. Ed chatted merrily the entire time. I find that lavender dresses go very well with my coloring, by the way. Now, see, there isn't any grass coming out of the dirt here, which makes me think that maybe ALL dirt doesn't grow grass, you know? Dirt's just so COMPLEX, it's hard for me to figure out! But I'm confident that if I study it enough, I'll figure it out! Oh, see, this is where I practice my rearing sometimes, and that tree over there is just great for scratching your back with! You should try it sometime! And now that little brook over there has these little squirmy things in it, and I tried to catch them once, but I ended up getting water up my nose and I snorted all over the place…

Randi looked up at the sky, wondering what she had gotten herself into.



Chapter 16

Randi sighed as she stared up through the trees. The Fellowship would be leaving Lothlórien soon. Avoiding them would no longer be an option. Randi was taking advantage of her last few days alone by isolating herself as much as possible. Ed, conveniently, provided plenty of opportunities to escape. She was currently riding under the trees far away from where the Fellowship was staying.

Truthfully, she was starting to worry. Lately she had been battling an urge to burst into song. And not something fun like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" backwards. Oh, no. Sometimes it was Sarah McLachlan, sometimes it was Celine Dion, sometimes it was Enya. Currently, she was fighting a losing battle with her own vocal chords. Ed, sensing her unrest, kept looking back at her in confusion.

Are you okay? He finally asked.

Randi opened her mouth, meaning to say, "I'm fine," or something along those lines. Instead, out burst Evanescence. "Wake me up inside!"

What?! Why are you singing? Ed tossed his head nervously.

"WAKE ME UP INSIDE!" Randi replied, horrified. She had no control over her own voice. This was terrible! As if she wasn't Mary-Sue-ish enough!

Save me! Ed cried in a panic. My rider's gone nuts! But there was no one around to answer his plea.

"CALL MY NAME AND SAVE ME FROM THE DARK!" Randi bellowed against her will. Ed was still nodding his head nervously, but now it was to an inaudible beat which exactly matched the song Randi was trying not to sing.

Wake me up? Ed repeated slowly, confused. But you ARE awake!

"Bid my blood to run!!" Randi crooned.

Ew… Ed snorted.

"Before I come undone!"

Save me! Ed thought-screamed again.

"Save me from the nothing I've become!" Randi sang. Ed's terror slowly faded as he, too, was captured by the haunting melody. "Briiiiinnnnnggg meeeee toooooo liiiife," Randi sang softly.

I'VE BEEN LIVIN' A LIE! Ed starting head-banging violently. THERE'S NOTHING INSIIIIIDE!!!

"Briiiiiiiiiiinnnngggg meeeee too… tooooo… NOOO!" Randi finally managed to regain control of her voice. "NO! I REFUSE! I WON'T SING IT! I WON'T!!" She collapsed forward onto Ed's mane, sobbing.

Aww… I liked that song! Ed pranced for a bit. How does it go again? Bake me up? Wait… that's just wrong! I hate that song!

"Me, too…" Randi said shakily. "Oh, God… this is just too much…" She sat up and wiped her eyes, scowling. "DAMN YOU, Celestina!"

'But you have such a lovely singing voice,' Celestina cackled in Randi's head. 'I think that ALL of Lothlórien should be able to hear your dulcet tones!'

"No! NO!" Randi objected, gripping a fistful of Ed's mane.

'Yes!' Celestina hissed in Randi's head. 'I think a little Avril Lavigne is in order!'

Before Randi could object, Ed leaped into the air as if he had been stung and bolted back towards the more heavily-populated area of Lothlórien, Randi hanging on for dear life. She was also stubbornly clenching her jaw. She wouldn't do it. She wouldn't sing. She WOULDN'T! She would die first!

Ed galloped right into the middle of the clearing that the Fellowship was staying in and skidded to a halt, trembling. The Fellowship turned to stare at Randi, whose mouth was trembling as she fought the overwhelming urge to burst into song.

"Milady? Are you all right?" Aragorn looked curiously up at her.

Randi clenched her teeth, but they felt as if they were being slowly pried apart by an invisible force. Her lips quivered violently. Legolas frowned, probably thinking that she was about to cry.

"Randi, are you all right?" Legolas repeated Aragorn's question.

Randi abruptly lost the battle. "It's a DAMN COLD NIGHT!" She shrieked. Everyone took an involuntary step backwards. "Trying to figure OUT THIS LIFE!!" Ed stamped nervously.

I don't much like this song, either, he confessed. It has the d-word in it!

"Won't you… take me by the hand, take me somewhere new… don't know who you are, but I…. I'M WITH YOU-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" The hobbits exchanged delighted glances, and Boromir was nodding to the beat. Good lord; they were ENJOYING it! Randi thought she was going to be ill. She WOULD have been ill if her mouth wasn't otherwise occupied. "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CONFUSING? MAYBE I'M JUST OUT OF MY MIND!! Hey yea-YAH, yea-YAH, yea-YAH, yea-YAH! HEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!!!" Legolas was positively beaming up at her. Randi, through a tremendous act of willpower, stopped singing. Then she slid off of Ed's back, shoved her way through the Fellowship (who were all trying to congratulate her on a song well-sung), and retched into the bushes. Legolas kindly held her hair back out of her face, as he had so long ago in Rivendell.

*~*~*

Randi was curled up between two tree roots, sulking. Ed was grazing outside her hiding place, occasionally commenting on the different states of the dirt in the area.

It's a bit firmer over here, Ed said thoughtfully. But it's all soft right here… whoopsy! My hoof sank right in! Ed jerked his foot out of a mole hill as Randi rolled her eyes. There's no grass in this soft stuff… but you'd think that there would be, since softer stuff is more comfortable! How strange!

"Maybe the grass is masochistic," Randi suggested dully. Ed looked at her, eyes wide.

I never thought of that!

Before either of them could continue, Randi heard a voice inside her head. For once, it wasn't Celestina.

'Will you look into the mirror?' Galadriel asked.

'Hell no,' Randi thought back. There was a pause. This was clearly not the reply Galadriel had expected. Seemingly at a loss, the elf-witch continued as if Randi had given a positive response.

'Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things: things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet come to pass.'

'Yeah. Not interested,' Randi thought, rolling her eyes again. Some people just couldn't take a hint.

'Um…' Randi bit back a giggle. She could almost see Galadriel fidgeting. 'Just get over here and look in the mirror!'

'No,' Randi thought back calmly.

'Look in the mirror, damnit!'

'No, thank you,' Randi smiled serenely. 'I really don't want to.'

'Well… well, FINE.' Galadriel left Randi's mind in a huff. Randi laughed.

"What is so amusing?" Legolas peered in at her. Randi scowled. She did not have the patience to deal with lovesick elves.

"Ed, will you get rid of Leggy-lulu, please?" Randi asked, rubbing her temples. If Mary-Sues could get migraines, she would have one.

Who, him? He seems nice. And he likes you, Ed said blankly.

"Exactly!" Randi snapped. "Make him leave!"

"If you wish to be left alone, you need only ask," Legolas said peevishly. "But you have been isolating yourself ever since you were well enough to walk around by yourself. It worries me. It worries all of us."

"So sorry to worry you," Randi snapped sarcastically. "And if I isolate myself, it's because I forking HATE you all… but I don't expect you to understand that."

"Hate us?" Legolas frowned at her as he sat down outside her half-assed sanctuary. "Why?"

"Oh, look at yourselves!" Randi snapped impatiently. "I don't NEED a reason!"

Legolas nodded slowly. "Lord Elrond told us of your difficulty in coming to terms with your half-elven heritage. It must be difficult trying to find a balance between…"

Randi's jaw dropped as Legolas continued. What - the - fork?!?!

"… What with Aragorn and Boromir echoing your more human thoughts and desires and I representing…" Legolas droned.

This was just ridiculous, Randi thought to herself. Now she was having difficulty accepting her heritage?! Where in the hell had THAT come from?! Oh, man. Celestina was just pulling stuff out her ass now… not that she hadn't been doing that from the beginning. Randi stared up through the tree branches and sighed, waiting for the elf to shut up.